


Skyloft Farm

by MissKatieLynne



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-23 01:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 91
Words: 77,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8308822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissKatieLynne/pseuds/MissKatieLynne
Summary: Kate and Alex finally have the family life they've always wanted. A happy marriage, a bouncing baby boy, and a successful farm. But the war is growing, and desperate times mean that a draft is near. Will Kate be able to continue on, should Alex get drafted? What if he never comes back? Will Kate find comfort from another...?
This fic is based off of my farmer, Kate. It begins at the start of year 4, after she has married Alex and had one child, Jak. This is the continuation of her story.





	1. Chapter 1

I couldn’t help but to steal another glance at Jak, sleeping soundly in his crib, as my fingers laced my boots up in their familiar routine. I had allowed myself some time off to spend with Alex and Jak, but I was itching to get back into the fields, tending to the crops and animals, a chore that had become such a part of my life that I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. But I was a mother, now, too. A farmer and a mother. I couldn’t imagine how I would juggle both. Alex and I had discussed switching days to keep up with the demands of the farm, but it has grown so big now that it would be impossible for us to do all that work alone.

Thankfully, Penny had offered to step in and help us care for Jak. She brings the kids with her, teaching them their lessons and caring for Jak. What a natural mother she would make. And the kids love being on the farm, too. They even spend some days helping us and we teach them about everything on the farm. They love collecting from the animals the best.

I straightened and wiggled my toes in my boots. Funny how comfortable those old things felt around me feet. They felt at home. I had missed those boots. I stole one last glance at Jak before hurrying outside and down the front steps where Penny waited with the kids.

“Thanks again for helping us out,” I said to her. “I know you have enough on your plate as it is.”

Penny smiled and rolled her eyes. “Nonsense. I can multitask. And it’s good for the kids to learn about life on the farm. I can try to teach them everything I can, but having first hand experiences is more than I could ever hope for for them.”

“They’re always welcome here, you know that.”

“Jak will be fine, just as he has been for the last couple days.” Penny had noticed another stolen glance toward the house. I sighed.

“I know, I know. I guess it comes with the territory. I worry. It’s terrible.”

Penny laughed. “I’ve got this.”

“I know. He couldn’t be in better hands.”

“Do your thing. We’ll be here. I’ll send the kids over after they eat their lunch.”

I waved to Jas and Vincent who were already hurrying into the house, anxious to see the sleeping baby.

“Don’t wake him!” Penny shouted to them, turning her back to me and chasing them up the stairs.

I forced myself to turn away from the house and turn my attention to the farm. The spring crops had been planted weeks ago by Alex and were just starting to push past the dirt. I joined Alex in the fields as he stood over the little sprouts with his hands on his hips, admiring his work.

“Not bad for my second spring on a farm,” he said as I approached his side.

“But can you keep them alive?” I nudged his side and he pulled me into his arms suddenly.

“God, I hope so, or Jak should be very worried.” He smirked at me and kissed my lips.

I giggled into his chest. “Who on Earth let us have a child?”

“We’re not doing so bad.”

“Give it time.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

I turned away and busied myself with the sprinklers, ensuring that they were in working order.

“Well, eventually he begins to move, and walk, and talk. Before you know it, he’s dating, driving, drinking.”

“Playing football?”

I met Alex’s gaze. “Sure, if he wants. But aren’t you worried about anything? What if he gets hurt? What if he knocks up some girl? What if he doesn’t like Stardew and wants to move to the city?”

“You’re worried that he’ll want to move to the city?” Alex raised an eyebrow.

I sighed. “No. I don’t know. But he’s not going to stay little forever. They grow up and they leave and they make stupid choices.”

Alex shrugged. “I’d say we made some pretty good choices. We teach him to make good choices.”

I let my fingers run through the cool dirt, my gaze away from Alex. “Maybe you made good choices.”

I felt his hand around my arm and he pulled me into him once more.

“You worry too much, you know that?”

I shrugged and looked at my feet. “Maybe you don’t worry enough.”

He kissed my forehead and held my chin in his hand. “Jak is going to be just fine. We’re going to be just fine. We have each other. Hell, we have all of Stardew. Don’t they say it takes a village? Well, we’ve got a village. We have Penny, and Robin, and Leah. We’ve got my grandparents, and Harvey, and Mayor Lewis. Maru, Sam, Shane. And you have me. Isn’t that enough?”

I met his gaze and smiled. “Yes,” I said. “Of course.”

“And you’ve made good choices. You picked me, didn’t you?”

“I supposed I did.” I smirked. “Don’t know what I was thinking!”

“You were thinking, hey, look at that guy with the good hair. He’d give me some nice looking babies.”

I pushed him away, my hands on his chest, and I had to fight the urge to pull him toward me once more. “Yes, that must have been it,” I mocked.

“Hey, you got the whole package with me. Good looks and I’m pretty handy around here, don’t you think?”

I walked away from him, making my way towards the barn. “The whole damn package, baby,” I yelled over my shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

I breathed in deeply as I entered the barn. Old wood and hay filled my nose, bringing a sense of ease and comfort to me. The animals were outside, enjoying the fresh, green grass as I collected the eggs from the coop. Moose greeted me with a nicker as I passed the stables and waited patiently as i milked the cows and goats, tossing him some hay in the mean time. I carried the pales to the little wagon I kept beside the barn and Moose nickered eagerly, knowing that it was finally his turn. He stood patiently as I hooked him up to the wagon and threw myself onto his back. It felt so good to be in the saddle once more. I had missed it all winter.

Moose trotted eagerly forward across the farm where we unloaded the milk into fridges, ready to be shipped off or purchased from someone in town, along with the eggs and truffles that the pigs had dug up. When all of our goods were unloaded, I returned the wagon to rest beside the barn until tomorrow and released Moose from his harness. He trotted through the fields, eager to stretch his legs and graze for the day.

The sun was high in the sky when I found Alex by the house, finishing up his work with the crops.

“We’ll be harvesting in no time,” he said to me as he dusted his hands off on his pants. 

“So begins another year,” I said.

“Going into town?”

I shrugged. “I guess so. Care to join me?”

Alex kissed my cheek. “Let me just clean up.”

We walked hand in hand back toward the house where Penny was feeding Jak in her arms as the kids read quietly on the floor.

“What are we learning today?” Alex asked, peeking over Vincent’s shoulder.

“Miss Penny is making us read quietly. She said we were too loud.”

Penny smiled at me as she cradled Jak. “Jak slept right through it until he decided he was hungry.”

“Can we help with the goats today?” Jas asked me.

“We’re all done for today,” I said to her. “But maybe next week you can.”

“I thought they could help measure the growth of the crops over the next few weeks,” Penny said. “They’re going to keep a farm journal and watch how the crops develop and grow.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” I said.

“I bet the corn will be this tall.” Vincent spread his arms as tall as his little body could manage.

“Well, it’s too early for corn,” Alex said. “But I bet it will be taller than you.”

“We’re going to head into town,” I told Penny.

“Can we go, too, Miss Penny?” Jas whined.

Penny sighed and delivered Jak to me, just finishing his bottle. I patted his back, waiting for the following burp.

“Okay,” Penny said. “But we’re not done for the day, so don’t go running off, now.”

The six of us walked across the farm and into town, Vincent and Jas skipping excitedly ahead of us as we chatted amongst ourselves. But in town, there seemed to be a tension in the air. Kent was the first to greet us, his brows knit together in concern.

“What’s going on?” Alex asked.

“You haven’t heard yet?” Kent said gruffly. “The Gotoro Empire have allies. They’ve been closing in. We’re loosing too many men out there.” I could practically see the pain flash across his face. I knew what he was considering.

Vincent stood at his father’s side, curious. “What’s wrong, Daddy?”

“Come on, Vincent,” Penny said quickly, grabbing the boy’s arm. “Let’s go find Sam.”

“You’re going back,” I said, but Kent did not meet my gaze. His eyes were hard on Alex. My stomach twisted sickeningly.

“There’s a draft.”

“A what?” But they ignored me.

“We need guys out there.”

“Excuse me?”

“We’re losing this war.”

“Stop!”

Both men turned to me, hesitant, Jak still in my arms. He started to cry and I loosened my hold and rocked him gently.

“You’re not putting any ideas in his head,” I growled at Kent.

“He doesn’t have a choice,” Kent hissed at me.

“Enough.” Alex’s voice was deep and angry.

I was suddenly aware of the eyes on us as they walked past. Jodi with wet, worried eyes. George and Evelyn as they looked onto their only grandson. Pierre and Lewis, standing just outside of the shop. Lewis approached in an attempt to ease the tension.

“Let’s not worry or jump to conclusions,” he said calmly, his hand on Kent’s rigid shoulder. “They will make the announcement tomorrow. We’ll play the news on the TV in the community center. We will all get through this together.”

I couldn’t stand helpless in that town square any longer with their eyes on me and the baby in my arms. A single mother - that’s how they were seeing me suddenly. A husband away in a losing war. At least Jodi had Sam. I had no one. A baby. A running farm. The images flooded my mind suddenly. I hadn’t even realized that I was back at the farm, my knees in the dirt, still cradling Jak, his face wet with my tears.

Jodi dropped to her knees in front of me, her hands on my arms.

“Hey,” she cooed to me. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”

I tried to pull away from her grasp, but she helped me to my feet and brushed the tears off my cheeks.

“Don’t worry about this right now,” she said softly to me. “We don’t even know what’s happening.”

“They’re going to take him away from me,” I cried into Jak. “I can’t do this all alone. Why now?”

“You listen to me,” Jodi said harshly. “You are not alone. You will never be alone here, do you understand?”

I sniffed pathetically as she dropped her arms and looked past me with a sad smile on her face.

“Thanks, Jodi,” Alex’s voice said from behind me.

“I’m sorry about Kent…”

“Don’t be.”

Alex’s hand was on my shoulder, but I could not turn to look at him. Jodi smiled to me before she left us alone in front of the house. Dusty trotted to our side, eager to see his master. He wagged his tail and panted enthusiastically. Alex patted his head and I headed into the house. The door opened and closed quickly behind me as I trotted up the stairs, putting Jak back in his crib. I caressed his face as he fell back to sleep and pulled the blanket up around him. When I noticed Alex wasn’t at my side, I turned to find him standing in the doorway. Neither of us moved. Neither of us uttered a word.


	3. Chapter 3

“I’m not going anywhere,” Alex said from the doorway.

“You don’t know that,” I muttered angrily in an attempt to mask my fear. I pushed past him and into our bedroom where I sat on the edge of the bed, my face in my hands.

“I’m not leaving you and Jak,” he said, sitting beside me.

“You don’t have a choice if you get drafted.”

Alex pulled me into his arms and I let him, sobbing into his chest.

“Nothing’s even been decided yet.”

“I can’t think about this right now.”

He pushed me away and held my chin. “Then let’s not think about this. There’s no need to worry right now.”

I stared at my feet. There was a need to worry. My whole life was turning upside down. I didn’t know how I would do it all without him.

“How about dinner?” he said, getting to his feet and pulling me up with him. “Spaghetti?”

I shrugged and forced a smile but I didn’t have an appetite. I pushed the meatballs around my plate, disinterested, Alex’s eyes on me from across the table.

“I know I’m no chef, but c’mon.”

I forced another smile. “No, it’s great. Delicious.” I forced a few bites down my throat. I was suddenly exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep forever.

The rest of the evening was a blur. I somehow managed to wash the dishes and feed Jak dinner before collapsing into bed. Alex pulled me into him and kissed me neck. He ran his fingers through my hair and down my back.

“Please don’t worry,” he whispered in the dark as Jak began to cry. I hurried out of bed; Jak needed me. He needed me.

*****

 

I cradled Jak in my arms as I sat on the couch in the community center. The whole town had gathered and waited anxiously for the announcement to be made on the news. The air was tense as everyone talked quietly amongst themselves. Alex stood at the edge of the room with Shane, his arms crossed as they talked quietly. George and Evelyn sat with me, cooing at their grandson. Leah and Penny tried to talk to me in attempt to distract me, but my stomach twisted in sickening knots and I hardly heard a word that they said. 

When the news finally came on the tv, the room fell deathly silent. 

“… and the Shadow People have joined the Gotoro Empire as allies in the war…”

The room erupted in confused and worried murmurs. 

“The Shadow People?”

“They were supposed to leave us alone.”

“The Gotoro Empire must have bribed them.”

And then the draft process began. We watched in silence as the numbers were mixed together in the tumbler, waiting to be drawn, determining the fate of those we loved. All it took was one date to be drawn; one date and I would lose Alex. I had never been a very religious person, but at that moment. I prayed to Yoba that Alex would stay, safe here in Stardew.

The first of four numbers were pulled. 

“Fifty-nine.”

The third day of fall. There was a quiet sigh of relief. One down. Three to go.

“Twenty-one.”

The twenty-first day of spring. Another safe spot for the people of Stardew.

“One hundred eleven.” 

The twenty-seventh day of winter. One number left.

“Forty-one.”

The thirteenth day of summer.

Alex’s birthday.

My heart sank. The room filled with murmurs as they tried to figure out all the dates. I looked to Alex, his eyes glued to me. Shane turned to him and his mouth moved, but the room grew louder as Evelyn began to cry.

“This can’t be happening,” she muttered.

“Evie, it’s going to be okay…” George took her hand in his.

Kent was at Alex’s side, his hand on his shoulder. I couldn’t make out what he said to him. I searched their faces for answers but found none.

I suddenly realized Jak was no longer in my arms and Penny knelt before me. I searched the room; Leah rocked Jak, cooing to him. He was crying. 

I looked into my empty arms. Penny was speaking to me. Her face was full of concern.

“What?”

Suddenly, the room was silent except for Leah’s quiet cooing. Jak’s cries had quieted. I could hear my pulse beating loudly in my head.

“Alex won’t be alone out there,” Kent said, breaking the eerie silence. “I’m going with him.”

“What are you talking about?” Jodi’s voice boomed through the room. “You just got back.”

“I’ve been home for over a year,” he said to her. “They need my help. Our help. It is our duty to serve our home.”

“Have you forgotten what it’s like out there? Have you forgotten about your nightmares?”

“I can’t be here any more, Jodi.”

“I’m going, too.” Sam stood beside his mother.

“No!” Jodi shrieked. “You can’t take my son!”

Kent was quiet. “You don’t need to come,” he said softly.

“I want to come, Dad. I want to help.”

“You will stay here with your mother.”

Vincent watched with teary eyes as his brother and father argued. He clung to his crying mother.

“You can’t make me stay,” Sam insisted.

“You weren’t chosen in the draft.”

“And neither were you.”

“I’m already a part of this. Do not argue with me. You don’t know what it’s like. I’m prepared to handle it.”

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair.

“Don’t go, Sam,” Vincent cried.

I couldn’t breathe. The walls were closing in on me, suffocating me. I needed to get out of that room.

I stood, and all eyes turned towards me. The room fell silent once more. My stomach churned. Evelyn was still crying, along with Jodi and Vincent. I couldn’t watch two families become torn apart.

I stepped past Penny, still kneeling in front of me, and ran out the door into the cooler, afternoon air. The town was eerie without it’s villagers to busy it’s streets. I suddenly felt worse standing alone in that empty square. My knees felt too weak to hold me any longer and I collapsed onto the ground, sobbing.

I felt two strong arms pull me into a body. Alex. He held me as we sat on the hard ground and buried his head into my neck.

“You said you wouldn’t leave.”


	4. Chapter 4

Alex pulled me to my feet. Some of the villagers had followed us outside and stood quietly at the edge of the square. Shane, Leah and Jak and Penny. Mayor Lewis and Pam. Kent.

I suddenly hated him. I hated everything about him. How eager he was to go back there and take my husband with him. How could he be so dead inside? How could he not care about the sacrifices his family had to make without him? I wanted to do nothing more than to blame it all on Kent. To make him take it all back. To make him undo what was already done.

“You said you wouldn’t leave.”

Alex said nothing, but I could see the pain on his face. He struggled for the words he wanted to say, but for once, he found none.

“Let’s go, people,” Lewis finally said. “There’s nothing more to see here. It’s done with, now. No need to hang around. C’mon, now.”

One by one they dispersed. I hadn’t seen where they had all gone to. I hadn’t noticed them when the passed us. Only when Leah brought Jak to me did I realize the afternoon had melted into evening.

I took Jak into my arms and rocked him gently. We were alone in the square, the three of us. Alex let his forehead rest against mine as we watched our sleeping child.

“He hasn’t eaten,” I muttered. “He needs to eat.”

“Okay,” Alex said softly. We walked home in silence. I sat in the rocking chair as Jak drank in my arms.

“I need to take care of some things,” Alex mumbled to me from the doorway.

“What? Why? Where are you going?”

He approached us and kissed my head softly. “I’ll be right back. I promise. I need to go back into town. I won’t be long.”

I watched as he disappeared around the corner and listened to the door as it closed quietly behind him. What could he possibly need to take care of? He wasn’t leaving yet. Not just yet. There was still time. Some time. He didn’t need to say goodbye yet.

I looked to the empty doorway and began to cry.

*****

 

Alex sat at the bar in the corner of the saloon and watched as Gus absentmindedly cleaned the counter. Shane sat beside him and Gus slid him his usual beer.

“Didn’t think you were a drinker,” Shane said to his glass.

Alex took a swig of his own beer. “Figured now’s a good time to start.”

“You should be home, man.”

“I can’t be home right now.”

“Next week, you’ll be sitting on that bus wishing you never stepped away for a moment.”

“What would you know?”

Shane sighed. “I guess I wouldn’t. I just think you’re being selfish.”

“I’m just having a god damn drink.”

“I never liked selfish Alex. All he did was throw that damn football around.”

“Well, I never liked you.”

Shane raised his glass. “To unlikely friendships, hm?”

Alex rolled his eyes but let his glass tap against Shane’s.

“It’s only because I like Kate.”

Alex smiled. “Yeah. She’s okay.”

“What are you going to do?”

Alex was quiet. “I don’t know.” After a moment, he turned to Shane. “Just stay away from her.”

Shane threw his arms in the air in defense. “Hey, I don’t mess with no married women. Plus she’s got that kid. Not my thing.”

Alex tapped at the counter, signaling for another drink.

“She’ll be okay,” Shane said softly.

Alex nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”

“You, on the other hand…”

“Yeah.” Alex looked into his beer and sighed.

Kent came in and sat himself next to Shane, peering over toward Alex.

“Bus leaves next week, kid,” he said to Alex.

“Fantastic.”

“I’d say I got your back but…” He signaled to Gus for a drink. “I probably won’t be seeing you. You know, you’ll be with the privates and all.”

“Piss off, Kent,” Shane hissed at him.

Kent grabbed his beer, narrowing his eyes at Shane and Alex before throwing some coins onto the counter and pushing himself away from the bar.

“See you on the bus, kid.”

“It’s not his fault,” Alex said to Shane.

“You’re gonna be more of an ass when you get back,” Shane muttered.

“Well, at least we won’t have to be friends, then.” Alex emptied his glass and stood.

“Next one’s on me,” Shane said, raising his glass as Alex left the saloon. He walked down the dark road with his hands in his pockets. Shane was right; he couldn’t be drinking his problems away. That wasn’t him. He just wanted to crawl into bed and hold Kate in his arms forever.


	5. Chapter 5

I stared into the darkness, alone in the bed, jumping as I heard the deadbolt slide in the front door. I listened as the door shut softly and Alex tiptoed into the room. I heard his clothes drop to the floor and felt the bed tip as he climbed in under the sheets, wrapping his arm around me. I wanted to say something - to have a normal conversation with him - but I couldn’t find the words. So I stared into the darkness for a moment more before moving closer to him. I listened for Jak, but he was sleeping soundly in his room. 

“You smell like beer,” I finally muttered. 

“Mhmm." 

"Shane’s not a good influence on you." 

"Eh." 

"Is that what you needed to take care of? Developing a drinking habit?" 

"No.”

I sat up in bed and he met my gaze. “So, what’s your deal?" 

Alex lifted himself up on his elbow and shrugged. "I don’t know. I thought I should see my grandparents. But then I didn’t want to.” He sighed and lay back down, staring at the ceiling. “I just didn’t want to be anywhere." 

"Me too." 

"But I want to be here. With you. For as long as I can." 

I nodded. "Me too.” I pushed myself back into his arms and finally found sleep. 

 

***** 

 

Alex and I worked side by side all morning while Penny watched Jak. Vincent and Jas measured the growing plants and drew pictures of how they thought they would look when they were done. I smiled at their enthusiasm, but the thought of harvesting them all alone crept into my mind. I tried to push the thought aside as we walked the kids back to the house where Penny waited, passing Jak into my arms once more. I kissed his soft head as Vincent and Jas showed Penny their pictures and measurements. 

The six of us walked into town for the afternoon, Vincent and Jas talking excitedly about the growing plants, only to find ourselves in the midst of more drama. 

Outside of Pierre’s, Pierre and Carolyn stood with Abigail as Kent, Jodi, and Lewis stood off to the side. Carolyn turned to us as we rounded the corner, her face red with fresh tears. 

“Get out of here, Alex!” Carolyn shouted at us, stopping us in our tracks.

“Mom, stop!” Abigail yelled at her. “You can’t blame everyone else. This is my decision. Not Kent’s or Alex’s." 

"What the hell is going on?” I muttered. 

“Abigail wants to join the army,” Pierre said. 

Abigail’s knuckles turned white at her sides. “You can’t stop me! They need help! I want to do this." 

"Abigail,” Kent started. “You don’t know what it’s like out there." 

"There was a draft, Kent,” she hissed in his direction, “which means they’re desperate." 

"This is a losing war,” he reminded her, his brows knit together.

She crossed her arms. "I can be there just as much as anyone else." 

"You need to be here,” Carolyn growled at her daughter, grabbing her wrist. “You’re being foolish.”

Abigail pulled away from her mother. “I’m not. This is my decision. I want to do this." 

"Why?” This time it was Alex who spoke.

I turned to him. His expression was hard. He hated this as much as everyone else.

“Why the hell would you want to put yourself in that situation? Do you think I want to be there? Do you think Kent wants to be there?" 

Abigail was quiet now, but still fuming.

Pierre put his hand on his daughter’s shoulder. "We need you hear, Abby.”

Abigail met my gaze. A sense of defeat washed over her face. I forced a smile to her and she sighed. Without another word, she turned away and went inside the shop, the door slamming behind her.

“Well,” Lewis said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “This has certainly been a dramatic few days for our little town.”

Kent grunted and walked away, finding his way into the saloon.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” Carolyn began, turning to us. “I didn’t mean to-”

Alex shrugged. “Sure. Water under the bridge.”

A familiar tension hung in the air. Everything was tense from the moment the draft was mentioned, and it wasn’t going to get any easier.

“I smell Evelyn’s cookies…” Lewis said, breaking the silence. He made his way towards the house. One by one, everyone else left, returning to their business until Alex and I were alone in the square.

“Speaking of your grandparents,” I said, shifting Jak in my arms and avoiding his gaze. “You should probably talk to them.”

Alex nodded.

Penny waved to me from the playground where Jas and Vincent played. I kissed Alex’s cheek as I passed and made my way to Penny who pushed Jas on the swing. I sat on the bench, bouncing Jak on my knee and Penny sat beside me.

“How are you doing?” she asked me.

I nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay,” she said simply. She knew when I needed to talk and when I didn’t, and in that moment, I didn’t. So instead, I bounced Jak on my knee and we watched the kids play.

 

***** 

 

Alex pushed the front door open. George was in front of the tv, as he usually was, and Evelyn was in the kitchen, just pulling a batch of cookies out of the oven. She turned and smiled at her grandson as he entered.

“Just in time,” she said, putting a plate of warm cookies on the table.

Alex hesitated in the doorway for a moment before sitting himself at the table. He tossed a cookie in his mouth and smiled. Evelyn sat across from him, her hands folded in front of her.

“So.”

“So,” Alex said between bites of another cookie.

George made his way into the kitchen and grabbed a cookie from the plate. “She’s been baking since yesterday,” he muttered to Alex.

“I bake when I’m worried, George!”

“Bah.” George waved a hand at her.

“Don’t you ‘bah’ me, George. Do you even care about what’s happening right now? Alex is leaving, Kate is going to be alone with Jak. This shouldn’t be happening.” She began to tear up.

“Gram…”

“Evie, everything will be fine,” George muttered. Alex will be fine. Kate and Jak will be fine. Kate loves your cookies. Bake her some damn cookies.”

“You don’t know that, George.”

“Stop,” Alex said simply. He didn’t come to hear them argue.

"Alex can take care of himself, right?” George said, turning to his grandson.

Alex hesitated. He didn’t know what to say to his grandparents, so he nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be fine, Gram.”

George put his hand on his grandson’s knee. “Just watch out for those mines. Blow your legs right off. Can’t afford another cripple around here.”

Evelyn cringed. “Is that really necessary, George?”

“Would you rather him walk right into those mines?”

Evelyn rolled her eyes and stood, returning to the kitchen to busy herself with the dishes.

“There won’t be any mines,” Alex muttered.

George patted Alex’s knee. “Right. You’ll be fine, kid.” George cleared his throat. “Missing my show, yanno,” he muttered under his breath. He wheeled his chair around and returned to the living room.

Alex stood. “Thanks for the cookies,” he mumbled.

Evelyn wiped her hands on the dish towel as she walked towards him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. “You’re a good boy.”

“I’m not a dog,” Alex groaned.

Evelyn pushed back and smiled to him. “Want to stay for some dinner?”

Alex shook his head. “Tomorrow?”

“Okay. Sounds good. I’ll make your favorite.”


	6. Chapter 6

I sat on the bench with Penny watching Jas and Vincent play on the playground, cradling Jak in my arms. Alex and I were able to wrap up the farm work quickly that morning and decided to take advantage of the warm day. Alex and Shane stood together, leaning on the fence, watching the kids. Even Sam was out, playing with his little brother, and Abigail helped Jas build a sand castle. For a moment, I forgot that there was a war going on. I forgot that my husband would be shipped away and I would be left to tend to a farm by myself. In that moment, everything was right in the world.

I looked towards Alex and Shane. Shane’s lips moved, but he continued to watch Jas. Alex was looking toward me. I smiled when I met his gaze, but his returned smile was uneasy. I turned back to Jak and cooed to him. I let my fingers brush the little bits of hair on his head.

“What do you think they’re talking about over there?” I asked Penny.

She studied the two men for a moment. “You.”

I sighed. “Everyone’s talking about me. The poor mother, alone on that big farm.”

“No one’s talking about you,” she assured me.

“I bet this is how Jodi felt when Kent left.”

“Jodi managed just fine, and you will too.”

“I don’t want anyone’s pity. I see the way they look at me. It’s like they know something I don’t. Like they think I’ll be alone forever. A widow.”

“Don’t say that.”

I moved my finger into Jak’s little hands and he grabbed hold happily.

“You know we’re all here for you if you need our help.”

“I don’t need help.”

Penny sighed. “You’re stubborn sometimes.”

I smiled and let my eyes wander around the town. Lewis and Marnie stood just outside Pierre’s, talking quietly amongst themselves, as if in passing, but I knew better. Gus was just opening up the saloon for the afternoon. He shook out a couple of towels just outside. Evelyn busied herself with her gardens. Even George was out enjoying the fresh air. Sebastian made his way over from the house, probably to hang out with Sam and Abigail. Jodi and Kent were making their way over as well, spending what time they had left together with their family. Vincent trotted over to his father, excitedly telling him about what he learned on the farm that morning. Penny had taught them about photosynthesis in the plants. He couldn’t say the word to save his life, though.

My gaze turned back to Alex and Shane. They were smiling now. Laughing. Something Shane didn’t do often unless he was making fun of Alex. I wondered what they joked about.

“You know,” Penny started. “Things really changed after you moved here.”

“Hm?”

“Like you brought everyone together. I know it sounds cheesy. But everyone likes you here. Don’t think you’re going to be alone through this.”

I nodded.

“And don’t try to do it alone. You work too hard on that farm sometimes. There are plenty of strong guys around here. Put them to work.”

I looked at the men around me and couldn’t help but to laugh. Sam? Sebastian? Elliot? Help on the farm?

“Please,” I said. “They wouldn’t have a clue.”

Penny smiled. “Well, maybe not. But Shane helps around Marnie’s. So, there’s one guy. I bet Clint could be used for some heavy lifting. And you’ve got me to watch Jak whenever you need it. I bet Leah would, too. Or Emily, or Jodi.”

I met Shane’s gaze. He smiled crookedly.

“Maybe.”

 

Penny took Jak from me and tickled his feet. “Go have some time to yourself for a bit. You and Alex need it.”

“Thanks.” We did need it. We were spending too much time trying to distract ourselves, and not enough time spending what little time we had left together. And at that moment, I just wanted to be alone with Alex. I kissed Jak’s forehead and headed towards Alex, taking his hand and pulling him away.

“What? What are we doing?”

“Just come on,” I said, shooting him my most flirtatious smile.

Shane looked on dumbly. “Oh. Bye. Have fun.” He winked at Alex as I dragged him down the road towards home.

 

*****

 

“There’s my boy!” Evelyn cooed to Jak, kissing his cheek as he giggled. I passed the baby into his great grandmother’s arms. Evelyn leaned in and kissed our cheeks before she went into the kitchen with Jak, still cooing to him.

I followed her into the kitchen. “I brought leek,” I said, opening my basket.

“Oh, you know just how to get on George’s good side!”

Evelyn pushed us towards the table, which was already set with the dinnerware. Alex and I took our seats as George came in.

“You’ll never guess what the kids brought you, George,” Evelyn said, setting a plate of leeks in front of him.

George’s eyes lit up at the fresh leek before him.

“You know,” I began, “I only grow them for you.”

“The best leek come from the best fertilizer,” George said, pointing a finger at me.

“The best money can buy. Pierre gets it for me special.”

This seemed to please him. George smiled and continued. “You put them down a good six inches, you know. And compost. Always add compost.”

“Do I look like a first time farmer over here?”

He narrowed his eyes at me and leaned in. “Listen, kid. You want to grow the best crops? I’ll tell ya how to grow the best crops. My father was the best farmer on this side of the Gem Sea.”

“That’s a lot of talk coming from someone who’s never been to my farm,” I joked to him.

George leaned back, but not before snagging one of the leek. I watched as he took a bite. He crunched the leek thoughtfully before swallowing.

“I guess you know what you’re doing,” he said as he reached for another. “But I should come by some time and show you all our secrets.”

“Save room for dinner, George,” Evelyn scolded as she set a hot casserole on the table. “I’ve got my famous cookies for dessert.” She sat across from me and sighed.

“You should come over tomorrow, too,” Evelyn said.

I hesitated and exchanged a glance with Alex. “Sure.”

“And the day after that I’m making something special for George. We’ll do a nice lunch.”

“Gram…”

“Oh and we can have a nice breakfast together, too.”

“Alex will be gone by then, dear,” George reminded her in between bites of his dinner.

I pushed my fork at the casserole.

“Well,” Evelyn began very quietly. Her voice started to crack. “I just want to make sure he’s fed well and we get to see him before he goes.”

George waved his hand in her direction. “He won’t get no cookies, but they feed those guys pretty damn well, I’d say.”

I decided to busy myself with Jak, feeding him little spoonfuls of his own dinner and wiping his face, in an attempt to keep my composure. If Evelyn couldn’t keep it together, there was no way I’d be able to.

“Oh, cookies. I’ll make you cookies before you go.”

“I don’t think I can take cookies with me,” Alex started.

“Nonsense. Every soldier needs some fresh cookies.”

“Evelyn, he’s going to be the laughing stock of the army if you send him with damn cookies,” George muttered. “Leave him alone.”

“He’s all I have left, George!”

The room was deadly quiet. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and continued to wipe at Jak’s face, not daring to look at anyone else.

George cleared his throat. He was no longer inhaling his casserole and leek. “Evelyn…”

“I lost my daughter, George. I won’t lose my only grandson. He’s not going. That’s final.”

I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t even want to move. I wanted to be out of that room. Out of that house. Did Jak need a diaper change? Could I use that as an excuse?

“Damn it, woman,” George yelled, “you’re gonna rub that baby’s face right off.”

I froze and let the napkin drop from my hands.

“Enough.” Alex’s voice was uncomfortably loud in that kitchen.

I met his gaze for a brief moment before looking across the table. Evelyn had her face in her hands. George’s face was angry, but I knew it was a mask for the pain he shared with his wife. Alex’s mother never came up in conversation with me around.

I stood and took Jak into my arms. “Maybe I should go…”

“Nonsense,” Evelyn said softly between a sob. “This is ridiculous. Sit down.”

I sat, still holding Jak.

“You just be careful, okay?” Evelyn held Alex’s hand with both of hers.

“Yeah. Of course. Everything will be fine.”

Evelyn nodded, patted his hand, and cleared her throat. “Let’s just enjoy our dinner, hm?”


	7. Chapter 7

Alex and I kept to ourselves the next day. I couldn’t stand to see Evelyn after our dinner. The pain I would feel when Alex left was nothing compared to the pain Evelyn would feel, losing the only family she had left. I suddenly felt selfish, thinking I was the only one who would suffer without him. Since the draft, I had worked hard to keep my composure, but everything was beginning to unravel. And it was a rainy day, anyway. A perfect excuse not to leave the house.

We slept in late. There wasn’t much that needed to be done around the farm. The cows and goats didn’t need to be milked. The sheep didn’t need sheering. All that we needed to do was collect eggs and fill the water troughs inside the barn and the coop. And there was certainly no rush for that.

So we stayed in bed for as long as Jak would allow us, listening to the rain on the roof with our arms around each other. And when Jak began to cry, we sat together for breakfast, laughing at Jak’s face when he had his first bite of scrambled eggs.

Penny was at the library with Jas and Vincent. She had called to see if we needed her help, but I told her not to worry. I took Jak with us as we hurried through the rain and into the coop. We collected the eggs and filled the troughs quickly, getting back to the house where we spent the rest of the day. And no one bothered us.

 

*****

We were back into our usual routine the next day. Penny juggled Jak and the kids as they explored the farm enthusiastically while Alex and I worked. By midday, the chores were done. I took Jak from Penny and kissed his cheek.

“Evelyn was out this morning,” Penny informed me. I had told her about what happened. “She seems to be in good spirits.”

I watched as Alex showed Jas and Vincent how to weed the crops.

“I was being selfish,” I said. “I never really stopped to consider how they would be feeling about all this.”

Penny shook her head. “You’re not being selfish. You’re allowed to be upset.”

“But-”

“Shush. Don’t get hung up on this. You have enough on your plate. Enjoy what you have left.”

I nodded and swallowed back the lump in my throat. The days were going by too fast. In just a couple of days, Alex would be gone.

*****

 

Alex slid into his seat at the bar beside Shane. It was still fairly early, but he had wanted to see his friend before he went home for the night. And after a few days of working hard on the farm and playing with the kids, Alex wanted one last drink before he shipped off.

“Big day tomorrow,” Shane muttered.

Alex didn’t turn to him. “Mhm.”

Gus passed him a beer.

“Are you ready?”

Alex looked to him at the corner of his eyes. “How could I be ready for this? For war? To leave my family?”

Shane was quiet. They drank in silence for a moment.

“They’ll be okay. They’ll be here when you get back.”

“If I come back.”

Shane sighed. “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“Yeah.”

Shane finished off his beer. “Don’t worry about Kate and Jak. They’ve got family here.”

Alex nodded absentmindedly as he stared into his drink. “Make sure she’s okay.”

“Me?” Shane hesitated. “She’s going to be fine.”

“I know.”

“She can take care of herself.”

“I know.” Alex’s voice was harder now. “Just… keep an eye out for her. I guess.” He turned to Shane. “Okay?”

Shane held his gaze for a moment. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Please. If she needs anything…”

“Yeah, man. I told you she has family here.”

“Yeah, I know. But I can’t exactly count on anyone else here to even lift a rock if she needed it.”

Shane shrugged. “I never would have thought you’d ever lift a rock in your life.”

Alex smiled. “I guess that’s true.” He finished his beer, stood and stretched.

“Don’t worry,” Shane said, finishing his. “I’ll lift those rocks if she needs it.”

“I know.”

He stood and shoved his hands in his pockets. “But only until you get back. I don’t do farming. I do enough shoveling chicken shit as it is.”

“Guess I have to come back then, because Yoma forbid you get a little dirty.”

Shane shrugged. He followed Alex out of the saloon. The sun was just setting behind the mountains, casting the little town in a dim, golden light.

“Guess I’ll be back to drinking alone,” Shane said as they walked.

“I’m sure Kate will be around. I know she can hold her own.”

Shane laughed. “She could probably out drink me.”

“I don’t think anyone could out drink you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shane narrowed his eyes at Alex.

Alex shrugged. “It means you’re a big drunk.”

“Uh uh. That’s Pam.”

“Oh. So you’re the alcoholic?”

“Also Pam.”

Alex scoffed.

“You have a problem with me?”

Alex shook his head. “Nah, man. It’s not like you’re an obnoxious drunk like Pam.”

“I’m not a drunk,” Shane muttered.

Alex sighed. “Forget it.”

“You’re just mad that you can’t keep up.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “I really don’t know why I hang out with you.”

“Me neither.”

“Well, I’ll be gone tomorrow, so you can go back to being a loner.”

“This may be the alcohol talking,” Shane started, “but I will certainly miss One Beer Becky.”

“I’m One Beer Becky?”

“Yes. Clever, right? I’m a clever drunk.”

“Becky?”

“’Cuz you drink like a girl.”

“I have got to pick better friends,” Alex muttered.

Shane slapped his shoulder. “Just don’t die.”

“Well, I’ll do my best.”

“Cool. See ya tomorrow.”


	8. Chapter 8

I always felt safest with Alex’s arms around me. As he wrapped them around me that morning, my heart broke as I wondered when I’d feel that safety again. I pushed as close as I could into his chest and his arms tightened as he buried his face between my shoulder and neck.

“C’mon, Alex.” Pam’s voice was softer than I had ever heard it before.

I could feel his body tense before he pulled away. I looked at the ground, my vision blurred. I couldn’t look at his face. I couldn’t break down.

His fingers were delicate on my chin as he lifted my face to his. His lips were soft against mine. I kept my eyes closed for a moment when our lips parted. I searched for Jak, still in Penny’s arms. She rocked and cooed to him, meeting my gaze briefly. She smiled as if to reassure me.

Alex took my hand in his and my eyes turned to him. He smiled crookedly at me and I forced a smile back, sucking in a breath.

“Okay,” I said softly, at a loss for words.

“I’ll be back,” Alex said, his voice quiet. “I promise.”

I nodded and attempted to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. It was getting too big. I couldn’t breathe.

His hands released their hold on mine, My heart pulled painfully in my chest, begging him not to leave.

He shifted the bag on his back, kissed my forehead, then pulled himself away, heading towards the bus where Pam and Kent were waiting. I watched as Kent put his hand on Alex’s shoulder before following Pam onto the bus. Alex turned back to me and forced a small smile. His lips moved: “I love you,” he mouthed to me.

“I love you,” I mouthed back and blew him a kiss.

The bus doors closed behind Alex as he made his way up the steps. Penny brought Jak to me and I cradled him in my arms. Pam shifted the bus into gear and pulled forward. I held Jak close, waving his little arm to his father in the window.

Alex had been strong over the last week, but as that bus passed us and caught the morning sunlight, I caught the glisten of tears on his cheeks. I blew another kiss towards Alex and he returned it before disappearing into the tunnel and out of Stardew Valley.

I stood there with Jak in my arms long after the bus disappeared. I hadn’t even noticed the crowd disperse around me. Jodi, Vincent, and Sam had returned home. Penny was gone. Evelyn and George. Mayor Lewis. But someone remained. I felt their presence; their eyes on me.

“Looks like it’s just you and me, Jak,” I said quietly. Jak met my gaze and smiled. His fists curled around my fingers.

I turned away from the road and noticed Shane leaning against a tree, his arms crossed.

“You’re not alone,” he said to me.

I sighed. “I know. But the farm’s getting too big for me to do on my own now. It was different a year, two years ago.”

“What can I help with?”

I shook my head. “I don’t need help. I’m fine.”

“You said yourself it’s getting to be too much.”

“No one here can exactly help me with it. They’ve got their own things to tend to.”

“I’m not completely useless when it comes to the animals,” he pointed out.

“You’ve got enough on your plate.”

“C’mon, how hard can it be? You’ve got a good set up over there. Auto feeders. Heaters in the winter. Can’t be too hard. Milk some cows? Collect some eggs?”

“Muck the barn, fill the silo, brush and sheer, troughs need to be cleaned daily. Fences need to be repaired. Hay needs to be cut. And that’s not including the crops, the green house, the house, the kid…”

“Sounds like you need the help, then.”

I sighed. “You don’t have to do that.”

Shane shrugged. “Kinda. I promised Alex.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t get you two.”

“Hm?”

“I don’t get how you became friends. You guys used to hate each other.”

“I never hated him.”

“You hate everyone.”

Shane pushed himself off the tree and pointed a finger at me. “That’s only partially true.” He smiled.

I walked passed him towards the farm and he followed.

“You guys are total opposites.”

“Eh. He became a little more tolerable after you came along.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Plus, we were the only two that didn’t hang out with anyone else. Guess we were the odd ones out. So we kind of had to be friends if we wanted any friends at all.”

I laughed. “Didn’t think you cared to have friends.”

“Well, to be honest, I don’t. But turns out he’s a fun drunk. And you’re all right, too.”

“So the plan was to turn him into a drinking friend?”

“A happy accident.”

“Ah.” 

“But now I have no drinking buddy.”

I was quiet.

“I’m taking applications for a new one if you’re interested.”

I forced a smile. “I have some good references. You won’t be disappointed.” I stopped at the door.

Shane nodded. “Well, you know where to find me. See you tomorrow morning?”

“You really don’t have to.”

“Oh, shut up all ready. I’ll be here as soon as I can.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Are you sure you don’t mind? I mean, usually I’d be able to split things up with Alex…”

Penny smiled at me and took Jak from me. “And I watch him when you guys are both busy. Don’t worry, really. You’re not putting me out. You’re my friend.”

I sighed. “I know. If Shane ever shows up, maybe I’ll be done early.”

Penny was quiet as she brushed Jak’s cheek. “Did you hear about Abigail?”

“What? No?”

“She’s gone.”

“Gone? What do you mean?”

“Snuck off last night. To join the army.”

My heart sank. “Seriously?”

Penny nodded. “Carolyn and Pierre are a mess.”

“Shit, I can imagine.”

Penny shook her head and sighed. She met my gaze and forced a smile. “Maybe it will all be over soon.”

“Yeah,” I muttered. Alex hadn’t even been gone a day and it already felt like a lifetime.

“I’m sorry,” Penny started, her eyes soft. “I didn’t mean… I know I have it easy…”

“Stop,” I said, waving my hand. “It’s hard for all of us.” I sucked in a breath to steady myself. “I’m going to get to work.”

Penny nodded. “Don’t work too hard.”

******

 

It was almost ten when Shane showed up at the farm. I had been up for four hours. Jak had his breakfast, the crops were watered, I fixed a few of the sprinklers, harvested the mushrooms, gathered the eggs, mucked the coop, and was moving on to the main barn when he moseyed on over. The cows and goats still needed to be milked, the sheep sheered, the barn mucked, and the fences fixed.

He hopped over the fence as I dropped the pails at my feet.

“Figured you had backed out,” I said as I wiped my face with my arm.

“Sorry,” he grumbled. “I’ll get up earlier tomorrow.”

“Forget it,” I said. “See? I’ve got this. Just need to take care of the animals and the barn and the fences.”

“That will take you all day.”

“Well, that’s the life I signed up for.”

“What about Jak?”

“Penny’s at the house.”

“So, she’s going to take care of him all day? You’ll hardly see him.”

“Well, I have to make sacrifices to provide for my son.”

Shane rolled his eyes and grabbed the pails. I followed him into the barns where he began milking the cows. I smiled as I readied the goats to milk them. A warm breeze blew through the open barn doors as we worked quietly, falling into a steady rhythm. 

“So, what’s the plan after this?” Shane asked.

“The barn needs to be mucked. The sheep sheered. Fences need to be fixed.”

“Hay needs to be cut,” Shane continued.

“Moose’s stall needs to be cleaned.”

“Troughs need to be filled.”

I sat up straight on my stool, stretching my back. “Sounds about right.”

“I’ll take care of the fences,” Shane said. “I brought my tools.”

“I have plenty of tools here.”

“But they’re not my tools.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ll take care of the rest of the barn.”

“Then on to hay?”

I bent over and resumed the milking process. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“Can it wait until tomorrow?”

“If there’s time, why wait?”

“Because you’re doing way too much.”

I sighed. “It keeps my mind busy.”

“I get that.”

We continued to work without conversation, but the stillness was comforting. I listened to the chickens squawk and the birds chirp just outside.

When Shane finished, he left the pails by the door, tipped an imaginary hat in my direction, and headed outside with tools in hand. I left the goat milk beside his pails and proceeded to sheer the sheep. When that was finished, I wheeled in the wheel barrow, mucking the dirty shavings and lining the floor with fresh bedding. I dumped the muck into the tractor, then scrubbed the troughs cleaned, refilling them with fresh water. I drove the tractor towards the muck pile across the farm, dumping the fresh manure and returning the tractor to the shed. I loaded the milk pails and eggs into the wagon and hooked Moose up, securing the harness around him. I climbed into the seat and signaled Moose onward, moving across the farm once more where the milk and eggs would be stored for shipping.

Shane didn’t look up when he passed, too engrossed in his work to notice. His shirt was off now, thanks to the hot afternoon, and he was focusing hard on putting more fences together. His back was in the dirt as he inspected the underside of the wood.

The sound of Jak’s laughter turned my attention away from Shane and onto the house where Penny held him just outside. Vincent and Jas were with her and they cooed to the baby. I pulled Moose to a stop as the kids trotted over, eager to pat his nose.

“How’s it going?” Penny asked.

“It’s going,” I said. “Shane’s helping me with some things.”

“That’s nice of him.” She looked passed me to where he stood, admiring his work. “Oh.” She blushed as she noticed his bare chest.

Shane made his way to us, using his shirt to wipe the dirt off his face. Penny turned away, busying herself with the kids.

“Will you put your damn shirt on?” I growled. 

Shane smiled as he shimmied into his dirtied shirt.

“Are you done with the fences?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

I jumped down from the wagon and began to lift the pails. Shane followed suit and we loaded the milk and eggs into cooler to be shipped.

“Are you done for the day?” Penny asked me.

I looked to Shane, feeling silly that I turned to him for an answer.

“I mean,” I hesitated. “Whatever Shane feels up to, I guess.”

Shane shrugged. “Not up to me.”

“All that’s left is the hay.”

“That will take well into the night. It can wait until tomorrow. There will be more time.”

I sighed. He was right. But I hated not having anything to busy myself. Already, I was thinking of Alex, and my chest grew tight. I cleared my throat. “I can do it myself. You can go home.”

Shane’s eyes seemed concerned for a moment before they rolled in his head. “I’m not going home until you call it quits for the day.” He took Jak from Penny and pushed him into my arms.

“Spend some time with your freaking kid for once.”

I watched Jak as his eyes drifted to each of our faces. He giggled and babbled to himself.

“Yeah,” I muttered. “Okay.” I could at least cook dinner. I was getting hungry. And clean the house. The bathroom could be cleaned… again.

“See you in the a.m. then,” Shane said. He tipped his invisible hat once more to me, then to Penny, before turning to Jas.

“Let’s go, kid,” he said to her.

“Piggyback!” Jas shouted, chasing him across the farm. Shane ran ahead playfully before squatting on the ground. Jas jumped onto his back and they turned back to wave.

“Guess that’s our cue, Vincent,” Penny said to the boy at her side, taking his hand. She turned to me and smiled. “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow, too?”

I nodded, watching as they walked down the road, leaving me alone on the farm.


	10. 10

I splashed cold water on my face and stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes seemed just as dead as I felt after spending most of the morning vomiting. Jak screamed from the bed room. I groaned as I slid against the cold wall and onto the floor, waiting for my stomach to settle. Jak continued to cry and yell, so I pushed myself to my feet and made my way to his room. I cradled him in my arms and cooed to him. I got his bottle from the kitchen and he quieted immediately as I paced the kitchen, my mind a chaotic blur. Milk the cows. Gather the eggs. Check the sprinklers. Was anything ready to be harvested yet? I couldn’t remember. There had to be. Spring was coming to an end. I’d need to get my summer crops going soon. Leek. I promised George some fresh leek. 

I put the empty bottle down and proceeded to burp Jak, my mind still going a mile a minute. I hadn’t heard from Alex. He said he would call as soon as he could. He promised to call as often as he could. A year, at least. I couldn’t wait a year. What if it wasn’t over in a year? My unsettled stomach continued to flip sickeningly. 

I felt Jak burp up on my shoulder. I threw the cloth in the hamper and put him back in his crib. He smiled at me as he looked into my eyes and laughed. I called Penny. 

“Are you busy? Can you watch Jak for a few minutes?" 

"Of course. Is everything okay?" 

"Yeah. Yeah. I just need to… run out for a second." 

"Okay. I’ll be right there." 

It didn’t take her long to show up at my door. She didn’t have class with the kids today. I was grateful for that. 

"Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked as I rushed passed her. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll be back." 

It was still early, but I knew Dr. Harvey would be there. He would see me. Maru wasn’t even there when I showed up. I knocked frantically at his door. He looked me up and down when then door opened. 

"I need a pregnancy test,” I said to him. 

“Okay.” He nodded. “Of course." 

I waited impatiently for the results, sitting in the cool waiting room. He came in and sat next to me. 

"I’m pregnant,” I said. 

Dr. Harvey nodded. 

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit." 

"What do you need from me?" 

I shook my head. "Nothing. It’s fine. It’s fine." 

His hand was on mine and he smiled. "Yeah. It’s fine. Alex will be thrilled." 

I rolled my eyes. "Ugh." 

"I know it’s not ideal." 

"Certainly not." 

Dr. Harvey hesitated. "I’ll do whatever you want." 

"I’d rather not be pregnant but…” I suddenly realized what he meant. “No. No no. It’s fine. I’m fine. I can handle this. Shitty timing, but it’s okay.”

Maru walked in the front door. Dr. Harvey stood and smiled. 

"What’s going on?” she asked, surprised to see me there.

I stood. “Nothing. Jak has a little fever this morning. Thanks, Dr. Harvey." 

"My pleasure. Jak will be fine." 

I hurried out of the office and back to the house, not wanting to keep Penny long. She was talking quietly to Jak when I got back. 

"What’s-” she started.

“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out as I closed the door behind me.

Penny hesitated. "Oh. Is that… good?" 

"It is what it is,” I said with a sigh and walked into the house.

Penny smiled. “It will be good.”

“Maybe. Do you think so?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Do you think so?” 

“No.” I slumped into the chair and groaned. “I can’t do this. Two kids under two. A farm.”

Penny sat beside me. “You can do this. It will be okay. I will help you in any way I can, you know that. I’ll take the kids. You have Shane helping you around the farm. That’s the best help you could get around here. Mayor Lewis will do what he can, too. And don’t forget Evelyn and George. They’d love spending time with their great grandkids.”

I shook my head. “I can’t be relying on everyone to take care of my children for me, or my farm.”

“You can’t do this alone, Kate. We’re all here for you. Let us help you.”

I nodded reluctantly. I was proud of the work I had done, by myself, on the farm, but I knew I needed to swallow that pride and focus on my children. And that would mean leaning a little more on my friends. I hated to put that burden on them. I didn’t want to be selfish, but it was more selfish not to focus on my family. I had to keep telling myself that. That it was okay to get some help. I would need it now more than ever without Alex.

“Well, I have nine months before I need to worry about anything.”

Penny shook her head. “You can’t be working that whole time. You need to take care of yourself, for your baby.”

“The farm is all that’s keeping me going right now…”

“I know,” Penny said softly. “It will get easier.” She smiled. “It will be just like when you were pregnant with Jak. Leah and Maru and I will be here to keep you busy. We’ll have fun. Leave the farm stuff up to Shane. He seems to have a good handle on this. Hell, maybe we can convince Sam and Sebastian and Elliot to help out.”

I smiled. “That would be funny to see.”

“You know,” Penny lowered her voice. “You didn’t hear it from me, but I heard Clint asked Emily out.”

My eyes widened. “Really?”

Penny nodded. “I’ve seen them hanging out more, too. He hasn’t been hiding as much in the house. I bet we could put him to work.”

“All right, all right,” I said, giving in, and feeling a little better. “I can do this. We can do this.”

Penny smiled. “Good. Just promise me you will take it easy. Let us take care of things for you. You deserve a break. But don’t worry, we’ll keep you entertained. Just picture the guys arguing over who’s going to milk the cows.”

I laughed loudly. I pictured Sam and Sebastian staring at the utters, clueless as to what to do.

The front door opened and Shane poked his head inside.

“We gonna do this thing or what?”

Jas pushed passed him and skipped up to Penny. She stood on her tip toes and peered at Jak, cooing to him and making silly faces.

“Where’s Vincent?” Penny asked Jas.

The girl shrugged. “Late like always.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s usually late?”

Jas crossed her arms. “Shane doesn’t let me be late any more.”

I met Shane’s gaze and he winked at me. “Cow’s aren’t gonna milk themselves,” he said.

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” I said, glancing at Penny before heading outside.

“You’re in a weirdly good mood,” I commented as I followed Shane to the barn.

“I brought you something,” he said, tossing a box of frozen pizza at me.

I looked at the box skeptically and raised an eyebrow. “Frozen pizza?”

He leaned in and whispered. “I’ve got a stash I stole before JoJa Mart closed.”

“You are a wonderful role model to Jas,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“C’mon, everyone likes pizza.”

“Pizza and beer after a hard day on the farm,” I began, considering the idea. “Doesn’t sound too bad.”

Shane’s eyes lit up. “Wow. Yes. You’re perfect.”

I hesitated. “I should… put this in the freezer.”

Shane cleared his throat and shrugged. “Yeah. Whatever.”

“Pizza and beer later.”

“Whatever.”

I smiled. “Don’t try to cover up that ridiculous excitement. You’re not the grump you pretend to be. And now I know you’re secret.”

He shrugged again. “Don’t be lying to be woman. I want pizza and beer later.”


	11. Chapter 11

I took the pizza out of the oven and cracked open a beer from the fridge. Jas sat excitedly at the table with Shane.

“Aunt Marnie never lets me have pizza,” she said as I handed her a slice.

“That’s probably because she’s sick of seeing so much of it in the house,” I said, narrowing my eyes at Shane.

Shane shrugged as I handed him his long awaited pizza and beer.

Jas peered at Shane’s bottle. “What’s that? Can I have that?”

Shane shot a disapproving glance at Jas. “No. This is for adults.”

She scrunched her nose. “It looks like pee.”

“Tastes like it, too,” I said as I sat across from Shane.

“Why would you drink that?”

Shane shoved his slice of pizza in his mouth. “’Cuz I like it.”

“Eww.”

Jak began to cry quietly in the other room. Jas jumped from her seat.

“Can I go check on him?” she asked.

I nodded and she trotted into Jak’s room. I listened as she cooed to him in an attempt to make him laugh.

Shane stared at his beer disapprovingly as he chewed. “I don’t usually drink in front of her,” he mumbled between bites.

I shrugged. I could tell he felt guilty, but I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. “She’ll forget about it tomorrow,” I tried, but I didn’t think it worked.

Shane didn’t say anything. He leaned back in his chair and looked towards Jak’s bedroom, waiting for Jas to return.

He turned back to me and raised an eyebrow. “Where’s your beer? Thought you were looking forward to pizza and beer.”

I shrugged, not meeting his gaze, and shoved the pizza in my mouth. I felt his eyes on me and panicked.

“Do you like seafood?” I said as I opened my mouth.

Shane’s eyes widened for a moment before he burst into laughter. He took a sip of his beer. “You are so weird.”

I blushed and swallowed, pinching my lips together. “Yup. I am well aware of that.”

Shane narrowed his eyes at me. 

“What?”

He shook his head. “Just never expected you to be weird.”

“I prefer unique.”

Shane laughed again. “Just not a side I’m used to seeing,” he said with a shrug.

“I work hard to give the impression that I’m a normal, put together, functioning adult. Otherwise, no one would take me seriously. Especially with this big farm.”

Shane nodded as he looked at his beer. “Well, I like weird Kate, too.”

I smiled and took another bite of my pizza. “Thanks.”

 

*****

 

Shane and I finished the chores early the next morning. I was anxious to see Evelyn and George and share my news. I thought it might give them something good to look forward to, and I was craving some of Evelyn’s cookies.

Shane dusted his hands off on his pants. “What’s up for the rest of the day?”

“I’m taking Jak to visit his great grandparents,” I said.

“Ah.” Shane was quiet.

“What are you going to do?”

He shrugged. “Uh. Make a pizza, I guess.”

“That’s it?”

“I’ve been kind of… trying to avoid Marnie.”

“Why?”

He hesitated and wrinkled his nose. “I saw her with Lewis.”

I pinched my lips together in an attempt to hold back my giggle, but Shane caught on.

“Did you know about them?”

I nodded.

“And you didn’t think to tell me?”

“Well, it’s really none of your business,” I said. “Plus, they asked me not to say anything.”

Shane looked at me with a mix of disgust and disapproval. “Ugh.”

“C’mon, what do you care? It’s cute.”

Shane shook his head as he turned away from me, heading home. I rolled my eyes and made my way to Evelyn and George’s. They greeted me happily, Evelyn taking Jak from me. She held him high and cooed to him before planting a kiss on his cheek. I sat down at the table across from her.

“It’s so nice of you to stop by,” she said to me, rocking Jak gently. 

“Of course.”

“I know you’re so busy on that farm.”

“I’ll always have time to come by.” I hesitated. “Especially if there are cookies.”

Evelyn smiled and hurried to the kitchen, bringing a fresh plate of cookies over for me. I took one and smiled in thanks. The chocolate chips melted in my mouth. I was in heaven.

“There’s something I need to tell you, too,” I said slowly. I decided to just jump right in. “I’m pregnant.”

Evelyn’s eyes widened and she smiled. “Oh, dear, you are? That’s wonderful!” But her smile faded quickly. “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

I shook my head. “I’m okay.” I sucked in a breath. “It will be okay.”

Evelyn nodded. “It will be. Alex will be so excited.”

I heard George clear his throat from the other room and he entered. “I thought I smelled cookies,” he said, taking one from the plate. He nodded to me as he ate the cookie.

“George, did you hear? Kate’s pregnant.”

“Hmm. Thought I heard something like that.” He smiled at me before he went back into the living room.

Evelyn sighed and shook her head. She turned her attention back to me. “You know we’re here for you, Kate,” she said. “We’re family. You can come to us with anything.”

I nodded. “I know. Thank you, Evelyn.”


	12. Chapter 12

Shane hadn’t showed up yet, and I was anxious to get to work; just another day on the farm. I stopped to examine the crops on my way to the barn, distracted by the weeds that had seemed to pop up over night. It was an endless job to keep them from coming back. I got on my hands and knees and began to pull them up from the ground, freeing my little sprouts.

“You’re pregnant?”

Shane was standing over me now. I hadn’t even heard him. I said nothing as I continued to weed around the crops. Shane pulled my arm until I was on my feet. His grip was hard. His face was angry.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s none of your business,” I hissed.

Shane’s eyes narrowed. “Did you really think you could keep that a secret around here? Sooner or later you’ll start to show. No way farm work is making you fat.”

“This isn’t your business.” How dare he just come over here and act like he was in charge of me. I was furious.

“It is damn my business. You can’t be working like this if you’re pregnant.”

I pulled my arm forcefully out of his grip. “This is my farm and my responsibility.”

“You have a responsibility to your unborn child.

I turned away from him. “I’m only a few weeks along. I can keep working.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” His voice was softer now.

I met his gaze. “Because I don’t want to be treated like I’m helpless.”

“No one’s treating you like your helpless. We’re looking out for you. You cannot put your body through this kind of stress. It’s not good for you or the baby.”

“And who named you Dr. Shane?” I argued, my hands on my hips.

Shane’s brows knit together. “I’m being serious, Kate. I made a promise to Alex, and I’m pretty sure that includes his unborn child.”

“You’re not responsible for me.”

“Well, someone has to be, because you won’t be responsible for yourself.”

“I don’t need this right now,” I grumbled, turning away again.

“Well, get the hell over it. For now on, what I say goes.”

I crossed my arms. “It doesn’t work like that, Shane. You don’t run this place.”

“I do now.”

“This isn’t your farm.”

Shane sat on the fence. “Mine.” He spread his arms. “All this is mine for the next nine months.”

I suddenly realized how ridiculous our conversation was and couldn’t help but to laugh.

“You think this is funny?”

“This is hilarious, actually. My husband is off in a losing war, I’m pregnant with his second kid, alone on this big huge farm, and you want to take on all the shit shoveling duties around here.”

“I’d say it’s more ironic than funny. Actually, a pretty shitty situation. No pun intended.”

I looked to my belly and tried to picture the little fetus inside and began to somber up. “I don’t want to sit around with nothing to do,” I muttered. “This farm is all I have right now.” I turned away and looked at my feet. “I can’t even bring myself to look at my own son sometimes. He looks too much like Alex.” When Shane didn’t say anything, I turned back to him. “It’s just hard. You know?”

He looked at his feet. “Yeah. No. Kinda. I can only imagine how you feel right now.”

“I’m scared. I’m scared shitless.”

“I don’t blame you.” He pushed himself off the fence and smiled. “At least let me help you. You know, with the heavy lifting. I’ll leave the baby stuff up to Dr. Harvey. But as soon as he says to stop, you stop. Promise?”

I nodded. “I promise.”

 

*****

 

Shane busied himself with the animals for most of the morning. I didn’t need to say anything for him to know I needed some space. Some time to myself to think about things. I thought about my new child, growing inside of me, as I ripped the weeds from the ground and tended to my plants. 

I stood and noticed George making his way over to me. I smiled in greeting as he looked over the crops. 

"What are you doing here?“ I asked. 

"What? I’m not allowed to come by and say hi?” he said gruffly. 

“No, of course you can." 

"I told you I’d come by some time and share my secrets. Looks like you could use some help around here." 

"I didn’t think I was doing that terribly…" 

"Nah. Not terrible at all, actually. I’m impressed. But it’s a very big project you have for yourself." 

"I’m managing." 

"Oh, I’m sure. I can’t imagine Alex was much help around here." 

I laughed. "You’d be surprised. He’s a hard worker." 

George nodded in approval. "Good. He needed to do something more than toss that ball around.” He sighed. 

“You know,” I began, trying to change the subject. I could tell he was missing his grandson as much as I missed him. “The corn don’t seem to be doing as well this year. Could be from the lack of rain we’ve had. Maybe these damn weeds. Do you think you could take a look and give me some pointers?" 

"I suppose." 

He followed me through the field until we got to the corn sprouts, wilting in the sun. 

George peered at them carefully, rubbing his chin in thought. "They don’t look too bad. I’ve seen worse. You should have seen my grandfather’s crops this one summer. What year was that? Ah,” he waved his hand, dismissing the thought. “No matter. We hadn’t had rain in months. Driest spring we ever had, giving summer a rough start. Crops were pitiful that year. But my gramps, he was a smart man. Knew a few tricks. Well ain’t dry, yet." 

I shook my head. "Sprinklers are doing their job." 

George nodded. "Just a touch of gramp’s fertilizer I bet would help." 

"I bought some from Pierre-" 

"No, no.” He waved his hand at me. “Pierre doesn’t have my gramp’s knowledge of this stuff. I can get you some of it. A special little mix. Will help with those weeds, too. I have his notebook somewhere at home… leave it to me.”

I smiled. “Thanks. That would be great.”

 

*****

 

Just as he promised, George was back that evening, and old, battered notebook in hand. He opened the page to me, pointing with his old, bony finger.

“You can have that,” he said. “Just take care of it.”

“Of course. Thank you so much.”

George smiled. “Anytime.”


	13. Chapter 13

I had started to lose count of the days as each one wore on, melting into the next. The same old routine, day in and day out. Collect the eggs, milk the cows and goats, sheer the sheep, check their food and water, make hay, weed, water, and harvest the crops. And when that was done, I spent time with Jak and Penny, helping her teach the kids about life on the farm. Even Shane partook in some of the classes, emerging from his collection of frozen pizza boxes to spend time with Jas. Which then brought Sam to to the farm on some days, sometimes helping Vincent with his school work, other times distracting them from Penny until she yelled at Sam.

It was comforting to see them all come together, working together, playing and laughing on my farm. It was what I had always hoped life would be like with Alex and our children. And someday, I would have that. As soon as Alex came back. My heart ached for him. He would have loved to been here with everyone.

As the weeks passed, I started to feel more and more pregnant. Between the morning sickness, the back pain, and the cravings, I knew I would need to see Dr. Harvey soon. But that only meant he would tell me to stop working. But summer was coming to an end. I had too much to do. I couldn’t stop yet. Not just yet.

The pain was worse one morning as I began to harvest some crops. Shane was on the other side of the field, working on the corn. I tried to stretch out my back without him noticing, but it only made the pain worse. The cramping moved to my sides and my stomach. I started to feel nauseous. I needed to sit down, just for a minute. I waited until Shane turned away and hurried into the house. I searched the medicine cabinet in the bathroom for asprin. Anything to stop the pain.

“Are you okay?” Shane’s voice was on the other side of the door. 

“Shit,” I muttered under my breath. I could hear the concern in his voice.

“Yes,” I called through the door. I swallowed the pills quickly, praying they would take away the pain that shot through my body. There was too much to be done. 

I opened the door. Shane stood just outside, worried.

I smiled. “I’m fine. I promise.”

“All right,” he said hesitantly. “But please tell me if you’re getting tired.”

I sucked in a breath. “Nope, I’m good.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to see Dr. Harvey?”

“It’s just a little back pain from the milking earlier. I’m fine. Really.”

“Did he say anything? Can you keep working?”

I pushed passed him. “Yes,” I muttered. “I promise I will stop when he tells me to.”

He didn’t seem convinced, but he followed me outside. His eyes were on me the rest of the morning and into the afternoon, studying me.

“You need to see Harvey,” Shane said as we finished for the day.

“I said I’m fine, Shane. You don’t need to worry.”

“Well, I do. Please just go. What does it hurt?”

I sighed. I needed to get him off my back. “Fine,” I muttered.

He followed me into town, as if expecting me to skip out. He practically pushed me into the office. Maru smiled as we entered and her eyes went to my belly.

“Starting to show,” she said happily.

I nodded.

“She has back pain,” Shane said.

“It’s nothing,” I mumbled.

Dr. Harvey stood in the doorway, hearing us enter. “Back pain?”

Shane nodded.

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Harvey asked as he walked to me.

“I’m fine. Really. He’s overreacting.”

“Well, it doesn’t hurt to be cautious, hm?” He looked me over quickly. “Let’s take a look.”

I followed him out of the waiting room, leaving Shane behind, and into the exam room.

“You are getting into your second trimester,” Dr. Harvey said.

“Listen, I’m fine. It’s just a little back pain from working this morning.”

Dr. Harvey nodded. “Most likely. We can run some tests, though, just to be safe.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want any tests. Please.”

Dr. Harvey sighed. “All right. But if it continues or get worse, please come back right away. It might not be a good sign. And for now, I think you should take it easy. Cut back on the farm work. You’re getting further along now, so you need to make some cutbacks.”

I groaned. “All right. Fine.”

Dr. Harvey smiled. “You’ll be fine. You’ve got a lot of help around here.”

I nodded and left the exam room, pushing passed Shane and back outside. He hurried behind me.

“What did he say?”

“He said I’m fine. Just like I said.”

“Did he do some kind of test?”

“No. I don’t need a test. I’m fine.”

Shane didn’t except this answer. “How can he know that? What did he say? Do you need to stop working?”

I was irritated now. “He said I’m fine, Shane. Relax. Go get a damn drink or something.” I left him standing alone in the square and made my way back home.


	14. Chapter 14

It had been a week since I saw Dr. Harvey, but the pain did not go away. I tried to drown it with any drug I could find in my bathroom, but it only dulled the pain. I knew I should stop working, but there was just a few left things to do before winter settled, and I was determined to get everything done before I sat on my ass all winter, getting fatter and fatter.

Shane and I were just finishing for the day when I started to feel ill. He pushed me into the house until I collapsed onto the couch, exhausted.

“You need to see Harvey,” Shane growled at me.

I shook my head. I was sweating. “I’m fine. I just did a little too much today. Have this cold coming, too, I think. I just need to rest.”

“Do you still have the pain?”

“No.” I lied. I met Shane’s gaze and smiled in an attempt to reassure him. “I just need a nap. Jak has Penny. I’ll be fine. Couple of hours.”

Shane seemed to give up. “All right. Fine. But I’m coming to check on you later.”

I shrugged. “Whatever makes you feel better, man.”

I listened as he got up and left, the door closing quietly behind him. It was eerily quiet in the house. But I was tired, and fell asleep quickly.

*****

 

I awoke quickly to a strange sensation in my stomach. A familiar pain - like the contractions I had felt with Jak. My heart raced. It couldn’t be contractions - could it? No, I was far too early to give birth. Only my second trimester.

I tried to stand, but my knees shook and the pain shot through me. I fell to the floor, on my hands and knees, and groaned. I crawled to the wall and propped myself up against it, sitting on the floor.

My head spun from the pain - pain unlike anything I had felt before. Pain worse than any childbirth. I clutched at my stomach. There was blood all around me. Where had it come from? The pain ripped through my body and I cried in agony. I wondered if I would die there, with no one around to find me. It was dark - everyone was in their homes, with their families, together. And I was alone. 

Jak cried in the next room. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t help him. Who would care for him when I was gone? Penny? Leah? I needed to call someone. My phone was just in my pocket. 

I struggled to move my body to get my hand around the phone. My stomach burned in searing pain. I could hardly breathe. I needed to call someone. Anyone. I hit redial. 

“Kate?" 

I couldn’t recognize the voice. I tried to look at the name on the screen, but it was a blur. My head spun rapidly. 

"Kate? Are you okay?" 

No. I wasn’t okay. But I couldn’t find the words I needed. I groaned and the phone dropped from my hands. I lay on the floor and waited.

***** 

 

I was drifting in and out of consciousness when I hear the voices. Hands grabbed at my arms and pulled at me. I felt a solid surface against my head and grew nauseous. I was sitting up now and the world started to come to around me. 

"We need to get her to Dr. Harvey." 

"Someone call him and tell him we’re on our way." 

"C'mon, Kate, I’ve got ya.” Shane lifted me off the floor. He carried me in his arms out the door. 

The night air was cool - fall was on our doorstep. I looked around. Penny was on the phone, talking frantically to who I assumed was Dr. Harvey. Lewis was beside Shane. He smiled at me when I met his gaze. 

“Well, what on Earth happened to you?” he said in his usual way - an attempt to lighten the grim situation at hand. But this time, his voice shook. Panicked. 

Dr. Harvey met us up the road, running towards us with some tools in hand.

“What happened?” He searched frantically for my pulse. He pressed against my stomach. The pain was too much. I screamed. 

They spoke frantically to one another. I couldn’t make out their voices.

“There was blood everywhere…" 

"Get her inside." 

The lights of his office were too bright. It made my head hurt and spin even more. Shane put me down on one of the beds. I continued to drift in and out of consciousness as Dr. Harvey worked. 

When I came to once more, I was alone. I had no idea how long I had been out for. I searched the room and found a clock in the wall. One o’clock. The window was dark. I pushed myself up in the bed. My heart rate beeped on the monitor. I jumped for a moment as I realized I was attached to equipment. Dr. Harvey must have noticed, because he was at my side in an instant. 

"How are you feeling?” he asked. 

“Okay.” My voice, though soft, sounded too loud.

He sat on the edge of the bed. I knew what he was going to say. I knew what had happened. It didn’t make it any easier for him. Or me. 

“She’s gone,” I said. 

Dr. Harvey nodded, his eyes wet. “I’m so sorry." 

I shook my head and lay back down. "Not your fault,” I muttered, staring at the ceiling. 

“I couldn’t save you both,” he said softly. “I thought I was going to lose you.” He hesitated. “I chose you.” I could tell the choice pained him greatly, but I couldn’t comfort him. It was his job as a doctor, after all. 

“What happened? Why did it happen?" 

He shook his head and cleared his throat. "Could have been any number of things.” He was hiding something. 

“It’s my fault." 

He met my gaze, his brows knit together. "Why would you say that?" 

"I didn’t take care of her." 

"This isn’t your fault. Please know that. Things happen." 

But it was my fault. I didn’t heed Dr. Harvey’s precautions. I didn’t take care of myself. I let myself fall into a state of stress and depression. I worked too hard around the farm, despite everyone’s arguments. I ignored them all, and I lost my baby because of it. 

Shane’s head poked in from around the corner. 

"I want to keep her until the morning,” Dr. Harvey said to him. “You can go home, Shane." 

"If you don’t mind, I’ll stay. Kinda promised Alex, anyway." 

Dr. Harvey didn’t bother argue. He patted my leg as he stood up and left the room. Shane made himself comfortable in the chair beside my bed, kicking his legs up on the arm of the chair. 

"You don’t have to stay." 

Shane shrugged. "It’s either here or drink at the bar." 

"It’s one in the morning." 

"Yup. And Gus has it running all night tonight." 

"Why?" 

"Well, guess everyone was just pretty shook up about what happened. They’ve been waiting for updates." 

"Oh." 

"You know how it goes. Small town." 

"Mhm." 

Shan was quiet. "They care. Want to make sure you’re okay." 

"Yeah." 

"I can go update them now.” He started to get up. 

“Can you stay?" 

He paused. "Mhm. Course.” He sat back down. 

We sat in silence for a moment, each lost in our own thought.

“I would have named her Clara,” I finally said, my voice breaking.

Shane nodded. "Clara. Good name. I bet Clara would have looked just like you.”

“She has Alex’s eyes." 

"Hopefully not his attitude." 

I forced a smile. 

 

***** 

 

Gus pulled his phone out of his pocket. A text from Shane. 

"This one’s on me, people,” he said with a heavy sigh. “To baby Clara." 

The glasses raised around the room. 

"To baby Clara.”


	15. Chapter 15

“Kate?”

Shane’s voice. He knocked at the door.

“Kate? Kate. C’mon, Kate.”

It was locked. I hardly ever locked the door. The knob jiggled. He knocked harder. His voice was strained.

“Kate… Kate… C’mon… Open the door…”

My ass hurt. I hadn’t moved from my corner on the floor. Across from me, I could still see the blood. Though it had been cleaned up days ago, it stained my memory.

 

*****

 

I heard the voices outside. They were trying to get in again. Penny was with them this time. I heard Maru. Dr. Harvey.

Penny wanted my child. Jak. She was going to take Jak from me. My son. My only son.

Her voice was soft. Concerning. A mask.

“Kate, please,” she begged. “Let us in. Let me take Jak for you. Let’s talk.”

No. Not my son. Don’t take my son.

I cradled him in my arms. He was sleeping soundly. How big he was getting. He was walking. Babbling. “Mama,” he would say. “Mama? Outside, Mama.”

I remembered reading somewhere that a child’s first words were usually Daddy.

Dusty edged closer to my side. Misu lay at my feet. I cried into the dog’s fur.

——

 

Shane stood in Dr. Harvey’s office. Dr. Harvey busied himself with paperwork at his desk, not looking at Shane.

“She needs help,” Shane muttered.

“I’ve done all I can do to help her.”

“She doesn’t come out of that house. No one has seen her in weeks. There has to be something you can do.”

Dr. Harvey looked him over carefully. “She’ll pull through this.” He turned back to his papers.

“I’m not so sure.”

Dr. Harvey stood, his brows knit together. “What do you want me to do, Shane? Load her up on pills? That won’t help her. I won’t do that to her. It will only mask the problem.”

“It will help her.”

He shook his head. His forehead creased with worry. “She’s not in a good place. Drugs… they’re too strong. I wouldn’t want them in her possession. I won’t risk it.”

“That’s your go to excuse for everything.”

Dr. Harvey narrowed his eyes. “Why? Because I wouldn’t give you, a depressed alcoholic, any? Because I don’t trust you not to fuck up? I’m a doctor. I do what is in the best interest for my patients. Drugs are not in anyone’s best interest right now. Not hers, and certainly not yours.”

“This isn’t about me. This is about Kate.”

Dr. Harvey shook his head. “I don’t trust you, Shane. All it takes is one bad night. You know that as well as I do. One night of drinking, one night of too many pills. There’s been enough death and drama here. I won’t put up with any more.”

Shane could feel his chest tighten. A mixture of shame and helplessness. He just wanted to help her. To see her smile again. “So I’m supposed to just sit here and watch her suffer?” he hissed. “She will destroy herself.”

“She has an entire community to help her. I’m confident she will pull through this. She’s a tough girl. She just needs time.”

Shane turned, defeated, and headed for the door.

“You’re in dangerous territory,” Dr. Harvey said to him. “She’s a married woman.”

Shane hesitated before slamming the door shut behind him.

 

*****

 

“Kate?” It was his voice again. This time, it was stern. Harsh, Cold. “Damnit, Kate,” he growled. “I’m getting you out of here, whether you like it or not.”

I listened as he fumbled with the knob. There was a strange, careful sound. Clicking. Picking. He was picking my lock. The door opened.

Miso greeted him, rubbing against his legs and letting out a whine. He followed the cat into the bedroom. Dusty wagged his tail and whined, but did not get up from his spot on the edge of the bed.

“Kate.”

I felt his body next to mine but I could not move, trapped in my own mind. My body felt numb. His arm brushed up against me. There was a pain in my chest and in my stomach, but it wasn’t real: a memory of the pain Clara had caused my body.

I waited, expecting him to say more. To encourage me to get up. To go outside. To talk. But he didn’t. His arm wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him. I didn’t move. Couldn’t move. My breath caught in my throat. I wanted to cry, but I felt like there was no water left in my body. I was thirsty. Hungry. My stomach growled.

I was suddenly upright, staring into Shane’s eyes. He was pulling at me. Pulling my arms. I was on my feet, but my knees buckled under my weight. I fell into his arms and sobbed into his chest. He lifted me. Sat me on the bed. Held my hands. Looked into my eyes.

“I brought pizza.” His voice cracked.

He stood and left. I panicked. I searched for him, and he returned with a glass of water.

“Come on.”

I took the glass and stared at it.

“Drink that, and the next one will be vodka.”

He was trying to be funny. I would have smiled. Would have laughed. I pressed the glass to my lips and emptied it. It was so cold. So refreshing.

He pulled me up once more. I steadied myself on his arm. He pulled me into the bathroom and started the shower.

“In.”

I stared at the running water. It looked cool. I pulled off my shirt.

“Woah. Okay. You got this.”

He closed the door quickly and I slunk into the shower. I stood as the water cascaded over my body. I let the water run for a few minutes before turning it off. I pulled the towel from it’s hanger and wrapped it around me. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and looked at my fogged reflection. I looked like death. I dried myself, shimmied into my clothes, and made my way into the kitchen. There was a basket of fruit on the table. I sat and eyed the arrangement.

“Penny brought that for you,” Shane said casually as he sat beside me.

I picked at the grapes and plopped them into my mouth. Crunchy and sweet. My stomach growled in response. Shane smiled approvingly.


	16. Chapter 16

Shane slept on the couch that night. He didn’t trust me alone. But I had been alone for a long time. Long before I came to Stardew. I knew how to be alone.

I listened through the night at his restless snoring. A few times, it was quiet. I wondered if he was awake, listening for me, but he never got up.

He had coffee ready when I got up, and I drank it eagerly. 

“You know,” he said. “I’ve been keeping up with everything out there. Now, I’m not saying you owe me, but a thank you would be nice.”

I sipped my coffee. My farm. My animals. I was a terrible farmer.

Shane watched me for a moment. “Listen,” he said matter-of-factly. “If I have to get up and get through each day, you do, too.”

My chest tightened. 

“We’re gonna get through each day, okay?” His eyes were soft. I met his reassuring gaze and nodded.

“Okay,” he said. He stood and held his hand to me. “At least come check out the farm.”

He lead me outside, Jak in my arms, and guided me through the farm. The crops had all been harvested. It looked so empty. The air was cool. Winter was close. He brought me into the barn and pointed at the trough.

“Look,” he said. He made his way over, showing me the spicket above the trough. “It’s connected to the well, like the sprinklers, so you don’t have to worry about frozen hoses this winter.” He straightened and admired his work. “I can’t take all the credit. Gus and Clint helped me with this. Actually, it was Vincent’s and Jas’s idea. Smart, eh?”

I forced a smile.

Shane’s eyes were soft, but he forced a smile in return. “So, you know. Pretty cool. Auto waterers. Did it in the coop, too. With the heater going, you’ll be all set.”

He pulled me out of the barn and to the stable. Moose greeted us with a nicker and Shane treated him to a carrot.

“He’s been looking for you,” Shane said as he patted the horse’s nose. He moved aside and I reached for his warm neck, scratching him just under his mane. His ears flicked at the bugs and he sighed happily.

I followed Shane back across the farm towards the house. I sat on the front steps and rocked Jak quietly. Shane sat beside me and sighed.

“Well,” he began. “I did what I could around here.”

I nodded. 

“I wish there was more I could do.” His voice was soft. “For you.”

I let my hand brush through Jak’s hair and he yawned. I felt Shane’s eyes on me.

“What do you want me to do?”

I didn’t even know what I wanted. How could I answer such a question? There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t bring my baby back. Couldn’t bring Alex back. Couldn’t change any of it.

Suddenly exhausted, I leaned against his shoulder and sighed. They rose and fell softly with each breath. After a moment, I felt his hand on my chin and he pulled me to him, forcing me to meet his gaze. His eyes searched mine.

“Just say something,” he whispered.

I pulled away and looked to my feet. I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t have anything to say. I hadn’t even heard my own voice in so long. I looked over my farm. The sprinklers lay dormant. The trees were bare. But the fences were in tact. The animals fed on the browning grass. The silo was stocked.

“Thanks.”


	17. Chapter 17

The snow came early, bringing fall to a very cold ending. The farm was blanketed in white, and Jak was amazed as he jumped through the drifts, his eyes sparkling beneath his little hat and scarf. I smiled as I watched him play, my coffee warm in my hands. I had already checked on the animals and they were tucked in happy and warm. There was nothing to be done on the farm that day - a much needed break for Shane and I, and surly Penny who had her hands full with the two kids and a rambunctious toddler. But that morning, I was alone with my son, enjoying the first snowfall of the year.

I had been dreading the winter, knowing there would not be much to do to keep me busy like there was in the spring and summer. But I felt surprisingly at ease as I sat on the door step. I had made it this far without Alex and it had started to get easier. The worst was behind me - losing him, losing Clara. I couldn’t imagine anything getting worse. For once, I felt a sense of peace. I didn’t need my familiar routine, and I was grateful for that. I was ready to live in the moment with my son - to see the joy on his face on Christmas Eve, the sparkle in his eyes as he watched the snow fall. He was growing up too fast.

“Cold enough for ya?”

Shane sat beside me, rubbing his hands together.

“What are you doing here?”

“What? Don’t want me around now that there’s no work to do? I see how it is.”

I smiled. “No. You know that’s not true.”

“Hmp.” He crossed his arms.

“Shane…” I hesitated.

“Yeah?”

I shrugged. “Thanks for all your help around here.”

“Someone’s gotta do it.”

I turned to him. “I mean it. With everything that happened…”

He waved his hand at me but did not meet my gaze. “Forget about it.”

I looked at my feet. It all felt like an eternity ago. The pain. The blood. The darkness.

I pushed the memory out of my head and watched Jak play.

“You probably saved my life.”

Shane was quiet. He was watching Jak, too. He shrugged. “Nah. Just didn’t feel like explaining to Alex why I didn’t keep a better eye on you.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Plus, who would get stuck with Jak? And this farm? I mean, we had a lot riding on your survival.”

“You just can’t be serious, can you?”

Shane met my gaze. “I don’t do well with serious.”

“Well, I’m sorry to have been such a burden on your non-serious lifestyle.”

“Yeah, you should be. I can’t handle all this drama. I’ve got enough of it.”

I sighed.

Shane pulled me into his side. “All right. I’m kidding. I’m done.” He kissed my head.

my heart seemed to skip in my chest. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s the least I could do. I owed you.”

“You owed me? For what?”

He stood and stretched. “A life for a life, hm?” He turned to me and smiled. “Anyway, I’m freezing my ass off out here. See you later?”

I nodded and watched him walk down the road into town.

A life for a life.

I returned to watching Jak. He chased Dusty through the snow. The dog bounded in the snow drifts happily. I knew Shane struggled with something in his past, but he always kept it to himself. Despite how close we had grown, I felt like I hardly knew him. I hated the idea of not knowing, but I could see it in his smile that he was okay. Whether it was because of me or not. At least, I hoped he was okay.

I was okay. Even in the dreariness of winter, where I usually felt my worst, I was okay. I wanted to do nothing more but to enjoy this magical time of year with my son. I pulled out my phone and texted Penny. ‘Bring the kids over.’

“How about a ride?” I said to Jak, standing and taking his hand. He jumped excitedly at my side.

“Moose?” he said over and over. He loved spending time with the animals.

“Go get your sled,” I instructed him.

I watched as he waddled through the snow, taking his large sled and dragging it behind him. I took the rope from him as he hopped into it and I pulled him across the farm and to the paddock where Moose greeted us. I patted the horse’s neck and fed him a carrot before throwing his saddle on and tying a long piece of rope to the sled. I tied the other end to the horn and stepped into the stirrup, throwing my leg over. I turned over my shoulder; Jak waited excitedly in the sled.

“Ready?”

“Fast!”

I pushed Moose forward, slowly at first until we were out of the paddock, and then into a trot across the farm until we got back to the house, Jak laughing the whole way. Penny was waiting for us with Jas and Vincent and they cheered excitedly as we approached.

“I wanna ride!” Vincent said.

“As long as Miss Penny says it’s okay,” I said to them, but Jas was already in the sled, holding Jak tightly against her.

“Go, Moose, go!” she shouted.

“Well, I guess I have no choice,” Penny said. Vincent didn’t hesitate to follow suit, climbing in behind Jas.

“Giddy-up, Moose!” Vincent yelled, his hands in the air.

I pushed Moose back into a trot, and then into a graceful canter across the farm, the little sled gliding across the snow behind us. The kids cheered and laughed as we sped across the farm and towards the forest. I slowed Moose back to a trot as we passed Marnie and Shane. Jas waved excitedly to her aunt and stuck her tongue out at Shane who had his arms crossed, smirking.

We passed Leah as she emerged from her cabin, bundled in a scarf, waving to us. We weaved through the trees and around the lake as the afternoon wore on and eventually darkened into an early evening. We made our way back into town, dropping Vincent off first, then back to drop off Jas. Shane waited outside for her. She kissed Jak’s head before bounding towards Shane.

“Did you have fun?” he asked. 

Jas nodded enthusiastically before turning to stroke Moose’s nose. 

“Thanks, Moose!” She met my gaze and smiled. “Thanks, Miss Kate.”

Jak clapped his hands and yawned.

“See ya later?” I said to Shane as I scratched Moose’s neck.

Shane nodded. “Guess so.”

I hesitated, caught in his smile. I cleared my throat, took the reins, and attempted to hide my face in my scarf, which suddenly felt much too warm. “Bye.”

I clucked to my horse and he obeyed, bringing us out of the woods and back to the farm, where I untacked him and carried my sleepy son back into the house. I tucked him into bed before falling onto the couch with a beer in hand. I looked at the beer and smiled to myself. Everything was going to be okay.


	18. Chapter 18

I held Jak’s hand as he waddled through the snow, bundled in his winter jacket, hat, and gloves. Jas and Vincent played with him excitedly, making snowballs for him which he threw enthusiastically to the ground. Even Evelyn and George were outside, playing with their grandson. It had been snowing almost all week, but the sun had made an appearance today, bringing everyone out to enjoy the freshly fallen snow. Sam and Sebastian skated on their home made ice rink, shooting pucks at each other and Gus brought us hot chocolate. Jodi knelt in the snow beside me, adjusting Vincent’s hat. But we grew quiet when we heard an engine coming down the road. An engine that did not belong to Pam’s bus.

I watched as Jak giggled in the snow with Jas and Vincent. They rolled a snowball together until it grew larger and larger to form the base of their snowman. Jak waddled after them as they rolled the snowball down the road. I looked up as Lewis came into the square and my heart stopped. Beside him was a man dressed in his army uniform. He was here for either Jodi or I.

I stood along side Jodi and watched the two men walk towards us. The town was silent now, watching as the two men walked toward us solemnly. My stomach knotted and twisted as we waited, each step seeming to take longer than the last. In the man’s hand, I could make out the distinct shape of a set of dog tags, but I couldn’t make out the name on them.

“Mrs. Mullner?”

I stared at the tags in the man’s hands, frozen to the ground. Jak continued to play, laughing loudly at the giant snowball before him.

“Mrs. Mullner?”

“Yes?”

The man hesitated, looking around. All eyes were on us.

“Is there somewhere private we can talk?”

My gaze was still locked on the tags. I shook my head slowly. “We’re all family here.”

I looked up at the man as he began to speak, but I couldn’t hear the words. I watched as his lips moved but no sound came out.

“What?”

I watched his lips once more and forced my mind to focus.

“… missing in action…”

His hand with the tags extended toward me. I took the tags from him, but they fell through my fingers and into the snow. I felt a hand on my shoulder, another on my arm, and then someone had grabbed me - catching me.

“Kate.”

“No. No, no.”

There was yelling. It was Pam. I looked up to see her pointing a finger at the soldier. Penny pulled her mother back, but Pam continued to yell. Crying. Evelyn was crying.

“Inconsiderate…. lost a child… how dare you…”

“Mom!”

“Pam, enough…”

“Kate.”

The voice was close. I looked up and met Shane’s gaze. He forced a smile.

“C'mon. Let’s get out of here, hm?”

Jak’s laughter rang through my ears.

“Jak.” My son. I wanted my son. I needed him in my arms.

“Yeah. Let’s go get him something to eat. He must be hungry.”

I nodded and let Shane pull me to my feet.

“Where are you taking her?” Leah was at Shane’s side.

“Home.”

I bent down and picked up Jak from his play in the snow, cradling him close to me. I let Shane guide me through the square. Pam’s shouting, Evelyn’s crying. Leah’s hand was on my arm, the tags in her hand. I took them from her without a word as Shane pushed me out of the square. Jak babbled and giggled as the snow began to fall.

Inside the house, I put Jak on the floor in his play pen and he busied himself with his toys. I was suddenly exhausted. I slid against the wall and onto the floor. Shane sat beside me, watching Jak play. When the tears finally came, he pulled me into his arms and let me cry into his chest.

I sobbed and his arms tightened around me. I felt his head against me. His hand brushed through my hair. I wanted him to hold me forever.

I didn’t know how long we sat there, but when I felt as if I had nothing left to cry, I pulled away from Shane and rubbed my face. My eyes stung and my mouth was dry. I got to my feet, but my knees shook. I steadied myself against the wall. I heard Shane get up behind me and I suddenly just wanted him gone. I just wanted to be alone, in the dark.

“You can go now,” I muttered to him.

“Kate-”

“Just go!”

It was quiet. Shane hadn’t budged. I didn’t know what to do or say. I turned to him. His eyes were tired. Sad. I couldn’t read him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’ll go.”

I watched Jak play as Shane walked around me and down the stairs. I wanted to say something. I wanted to stop him. I wanted him to stay. I changed my mind; I didn’t want to be alone. But I couldn’t find the words. I turned around to call for him, but he was gone.


	19. Chapter 19

There was a knock at the door that night. I bolted up right from the couch. I didn’t remember falling asleep. I hurried into Jak’s room, but he was sleeping soundly. I didn’t even remember putting him in his crib. I rubbed my eyes, still hot and sore from crying that afternoon and into the night. The knock returned, louder.

“Kate.” The voice was muffled.

I hurried to the door, pulling it open, greeted by the shockingly cold air. Shane leaned against the frame. He reeked of alcohol.

“Shane?” I blinked in the darkness. I didn’t even know what time it was. The lamp outside lit the tiny snowflakes as they drifted slowly to the ground.

“Got beer?” Shane pushed passed me.

“What?” I closed the door. “Uh. Yeah.”

“Gus kicked me out,” he mumbled as he took a beer from the fridge.

“Huh?” I blinked. It was dark in the room. I switched on a light. “What time is it?”

Shane shrugged. “Like. One. Ish.” He squinted in the light. His eyes were red.

“Are you drunk?”

“Nah.”

I stood dumbly in front of the door, still trying to orient myself.

“You’re trashed.”

He pointed the bottle at me. “And why aren’t you?”

“What?”

Shane let the bottle slam down against the table and let his head rest in his hand. He swirled the bottle around, staring at it.

“Do you think he’s dead?”

My throat tightened. “Why are you here?” I choked out.

Shane was quiet. His eyes turned to me. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t cool.”

“Shane.” I steadied my voice. “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re sad and I have to make it better.”

“Why?”

“Because.” He sighed. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You should go.”

Shane stood and nodded. “Yup.”

I walked him to the door. He paused, his hand on the knob. His eyes met mine. He put his hands on my face. His lips pressed against me. I jerked back, shocked, and he stumbled forward.

“Shane.”

“Yeah.” He opened the door. He turned to me and smiled. “Not sorry.”

 

*****

 

“I am so sorry,” he groaned. He buried his face in his hands.

Gus met my gaze. I shook my head. No alcohol tonight. Not ever. I was just as hung over as Shane.

I snacked on the pretzels on the counter. “You were definitely not sorry.”

“What?”

I met his gaze and shrugged. “You said, ‘Not sorry.’”

Shane groaned. “Well, I am.”

I turned back to the pretzels. “No you’re not.”

Shane pushed himself away from the bar. I watched him leave. The wind blew through the door as he closed it. I sighed, pushed away, and followed him into the cold night. He walked away from the saloon, his hands shoved in his pockets, his shoulders hunched in the cold. I had to run to catch up to him.

“Shane.”

He paused and turned to me. “Wait. Why are you hung over?”

I shrugged. “Being drunk looked like a good idea after you left.”

Shane pinched his lips together and looked up into the night sky.

“Don’t worry about it,” I reassured him. “You were just drunk.”

Shane walked forward, the snow crunching under his feet. I hesitated, but followed him.

“It was stupid,” he said as he walked. “I didn’t want to get drunk. Well. Only a little.”

“Why?”

“Because I felt like shit. Why else? Alex is gone. I mean, hell, I just got you out of the house.” He hesitated. “I don’t know. There’s just… a lot on my mind. And now this. I don’t know what to do.”

“Alex could be alive,” I said quietly, feeling my throat tighten.

He hesitated. Shane’s voice was soft. “Yeah. He could be.”

I searched his face. “You don’t think he is.”

Shane didn’t say anything. That was answer enough for me. I turned away, but he grabbed my hand. I hesitated, but didn’t turn back to face him.

“Tell me what to say,” he whispered in the dark.

“You’ve said enough,” I muttered under my breath.

“Kate, please. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to believe he’s… gone.”

I was quiet. His hand was still on my wrist. My chest hurt. My stomach twisted. He couldn’t be gone. He just couldn’t.

My wrist was cold. Shane’s hand was gone. I looked over my shoulder. He shoved his hands back into his pockets, watching me through the falling snow.

“Kate…”

“Yes?”

His mouth opened, then snapped shut. “Shouldn’t you be home with your kid or something?” He trudged through the snow, leaving me alone in the cold night.


	20. Chapter 20

I stood at the back of the empty church, fingering the tags around my neck. Shane cleared his throat, leaning against the wall. I ignored him. He walked over and stood beside me, looking up at the ceiling.

“You don’t come off as a religious person to me.”

“I’m not.”

“Interesting.”

“Are you following me?”

He scoffed. “Please. I have better things to do.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“Kate, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, so you’re here for my forgiveness? Or to make yourself feel better?”

“Kate…”

“You’re a real ass sometimes, you know that?”

“Yes.”

I let my thumb run over the lettering on the tags. Shane was watching me.

“Obviously I don’t have a good hold on my emotions,” Shane muttered.

“I’ll say.”

Shane shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know you’ve been through a lot. But I have, too.”

“Please, tell me about your rotten childhood and I’ll tell you about mine.”

Shane didn’t say anything. I regretted the words immediately.

“It’s not even about that,” he mumbled. “Watching you go through all this is hard, too. Seeing you on that floor… the blood everywhere… Alex being M.I.A…” His voice shook.

“Stop.” I couldn’t deal with the memories. And I didn’t want to see him hurting. Those were my troubles. My pain. No one else should be suffering. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t stop to consider how all of this would effect you. But these are my problems. I’m the one that should be suffering. Not you. You’re not involved in any of this.”

“Well, it’s a little too late for that.”

“I’m sorry Alex asked you to do this.”

“I’m not.”

I hesitated. “Why?”

He met my gaze but didn’t say anything. I continued to fiddle with the tags. His eyes were on my fingers. He moved closer. His fingers were on mine, tracing the edges of Alex’s tags. My breath caught in my throat. He studied the tags for a moment before his eyes met mine. His breath was warm on my cheek.

A door slammed and we both jumped. I turned to see Pierre at the head of the church, replacing the flowers at the alter. He turned to us and smiled before leaving out the back door.

“Can you just accept my apology?”

I nodded slowly, avoiding Shane’s gaze. “Only if you stop coming to my house drunk.”

Shane crossed his heart with his finger. “Promised. I’m cutting back. No more drunk nights.”

I rolled my eyes and ignored the sensation of my heart racing in my chest. “Yeah. We’ll see about that.” I walked away from him, tucking the tags safely beneath my shirt.

 

*****

 

It had been a week since I had seen Shane, or anyone in town for that matter. I had resorted to staying in the house with Jak, falling into another round of depression. The tv played the news on almost every channel, updating us of the war, which had been unchanged for some time, but the future was still bleek for our army. I couldn’t watch it, so the house remained silent, which seemed even worse. I stayed on the couch, watching Jak play. He tugged at my hand and pulled me to his toys, but I could not bring myself to play with him, and that broke my heart even more. I couldn’t give him the attention he deserved. I couldn’t be the mother he needed me to be. Our family was falling apart. A child with no father, barely a mother left. I was sinking. Drowning. I knew had to pull myself out of this pit.

A life for a life.

There was a knock at the door. 

“Shane?” I hoped. I hoped for him.

He poked his head inside and smiled. “Hey.”

I stood. He closed the door behind him.

“We’re not doing this again, are we?” he asked, eyeing me carefully.

I looked down at my sweat pants and shook my head. “No. No. I’m okay. I think.”

Jak waddled to Shane and smiled up at him. Shane picked him up. “What’s up, Buddy?”

“Mommy won’t play,” Jak whined.

I turned away and sat at the table. Shane sat across from me, Jak still in his arms.

“I think Mommy should help you build a snowman,” he said to Jak. He met my gaze and smiled.

Jak cheered happily, squirming his way out of Shane’s arms and towards the door where he struggled with his boots.

“Come on, Mom.” Shane stood and held out his hand. “Outside we go.”

I sighed. “Yeah. Okay.”

I helped Jak dress in his snow gear and he hurried outside, anxious to begin his snowman. I sat on the steps and Shane sat beside me. I could sense his eyes on me.

“I’m okay. Really.” I turned to him and smiled. “I’ve got a better handle on things this time around.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded, mostly to reassure myself. “Yeah. I’m not a pathetic sad lump. I’ve got to be a mother to my kid. I can’t put him through this.”

“Kate,” he hesitated. “You’re allowed to be depressed. It doesn’t make you pathetic. No one blames you. You haven’t had the easiest year.”

I shook my head. “No. I’m done with being said. I have to pull through. For Jak. And for my own sanity.” I met Shane’s gaze. “A life for a life, remember?” I shrugged. “If you need to save my dumb ass again, then I owe you. And I have way too much on my plate right now to be in your debt.”

Shane smiled at his feet. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Happy is stretching it. I’ll be happy when Alex is home safe and sound.”

Shane didn’t say anything.

“He’ll come home.”

Shane nodded. “Yes. He will.”


	21. Chapter 21

The rest of the winter was, thankfully, uneventful. I kept Alex’s tags safely around my neck, hopeful that he would be found. That, in the chaos of war, they just got separated, and he would make it home with everyone else.

If the war ever came to an end.

But as the winter started to melt into spring, things started to look hopeful. The Ferngill Republic had managed to close in on the Gotoro Empire, and there was talk that the war was finally coming to an end.

That was all I needed to get me through each day. Knowing that there was a chance that all would be right in the world again. That Alex could be out there. That he would make it home.

I was back to work on the farm, and it felt so good to be back into my routine, out of the dreariness of winter. The animals were out enjoying the warm sun and fresh, green grass, and Shane and I had just finished planting the seeds for our first batch of spring crops. Penny had Jak with Vincent and Jas, and I was eager to spend the afternoon with my son in town as soon as everything was done on the farm.

I looked over the farm where the land was tilled and the seeds were planted. Shane stood at my side, his elbow on my shoulder, using me as his personal leaning post. I rolled my eyes and smiled, feeling satisfied with my work for the day.

“Looks good,” Shane commented.

“Yeah,” I said. “Another year.”

I turned and made my way towards the house to clean up, eager to get the dirt off my arms.

“Going into town later?” Shane asked.

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

“K. See ya.” I stood at the door, watching him leave, before pushing the door open. I stripped out of my clothes and hurried into the shower. The water browned from the dirt around my feet. I dried quickly, threw my hair into a damp pony tail, and pulled my boots on, ready to find Penny and Jak.

I found them at the edge of the river where Vincent and Jas leaned against the bank, pointing at the fish that swam by. Penny held Jak in her arms as he reached towards the river, eager to play with the big kids.

“Careful or the fish will catch ya,” I said to Jas and Vincent.

“No Shane?” Penny asked me.

“He helped me this morning.”

“Oh. Figured he’d still be with you.”

“Why would he still be with me?”

Penny narrowed her eyes at me. “Because he’s always with you.”

“Not always.”

Penny hesitated, turning her attention back to the kids.

“What?” I pressed.

Penny shrugged. “He’s always with you.”

“Am I missing something?”

“Clearly.”

“Maybe you can fill me in?”

She turned back to me, her lips pinched together. “C’mon, Kate. You have to see it. He likes you.”

“What? No.”

Penny rolled her eyes and turned back to the kids.

“He’s just helping me. We’re just friends.”

“Okay.”

I grew aggravated with her. “Do you really think I would do that?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Flustered, I took Jak from her. She met my gaze, her eyes a warning to me.

“There’s nothing going on,” I muttered. “Don’t you accuse me of anything.”

“I’m not,” she said quietly. “Just be careful.”

I turned away, leaving her alone with Jas and Vincent. Jak whined in my arms, wanting to go back and play in the river. I didn’t want to go back home, but I didn’t know where else to go. I felt like everyone was watching me. Did they all see what Penny saw? But what did it matter if Shane liked me? I didn’t like him. Not more than a friend.

Jak’s whines turned to cheerful laughter. I followed his gaze. He reached towards Shane, standing just outside Gus’s with Marnie. He smiled at us, but I ignored him. Jak babbled his name and I grew angry with him. I hated that Jak called to Shane. He should have been calling to Alex. His father.

Jak scrambled in my arms and I put him on the ground. He hurried to Shane and pulled on his pants. Marnie picked him up. I watched as she exchanged a glance with Shane and brought Jak back to me. I looked to her, to Shane, then back to Marnie before taking Jak once more.

“Thanks,” I muttered. I turned back to Shane, but he was gone, the door closing behind him. Drinking already.

“Did I do something?” I muttered. Penny was right. And everyone knew it.

Marnie brushed Jak’s hair out of his face and smiled. “No, Hun. Why would you say that?”

I hesitated, my eyes still on the door. I turned to Marnie. “Tell Shane he doesn’t need to keep helping me.”

“He’ll be there whether you like it or not.”

I sighed. “I know.”

Marnie pinched her lips together before turning away, leaving me alone in front of the saloon. I looked to the door once more before finding my way back home.

I sat at the table and watched Jak play with his dinner. I couldn’t get Marnie’s careful gaze out of my mind. She knew, too. It was true. What did she think of me? Did everyone know?

“Stop playing, Jak,” I muttered, putting the fork in his hand. What if they all thought there was something going on? What if rumors spread? And Evelyn and George heard? What would they think of me?

I rubbed my face with my palms and pulled out my phone, staring at Shane’s name. I wanted to text him, but I didn’t know what to say. I leaned back in the chair and stared at the phone for a moment before deciding on a text.

_Dont worry about coming over tmrw._

The words stared at me from my screen. I couldn’t help but to feel disappointed. I had grown accustomed to his company in the morning. Looked forward to it. Craved it.

I tossed the phone on the table and folded my arms. Jak was now bathing happily in his dinner. I sighed and picked him up from his chair. I stripped him of his clothes, tossing them with the dirty laundry and ran a bath. I scrubbed his food stained skin carefully as he splashed in the bubbles, wetting my shirt. When he was clean again, I wrapped him in a towel and dressed him for the night, tucking him into bed. My phone beeped in the kitchen, on the table where I left it. I hesitated, kissed Jak’s head, and left him alone for the night.

I grabbed the phone as I passed, forcing myself not to look at the text just yet, and shimmied out of my wet shirt. I dug through the dressers until I pulled out Alex’s jersey. I still smelled like him. I slipped it on and crawled into bed. My phone waited beside me. I sighed and opened the text. 

_Is that what you really want?_

I stared at the words until the screen turned off, enveloping me in darkness. I clicked it on and began to type.

_I dont think we should hang out anymore._

My finger hesitated over the send button. I bit my bottom lip. I couldn’t realistically do it all without him. But if it was true… I had to end it. But then I’d have no help. Maybe Lewis? Gus? Leah? Sam?

But Shane knew the farm. He knew what needed to be done. And he got things done.

And I missed him. Missed the idea that I wouldn’t see him in the mornings anymore.

It didn’t matter, though. I’d still see him around. Right?

I held the delete button until the messaged cleared. _No._

His reply was almost instant.

_So y do you keep pushing me away?_

My heart skipped in my chest. I pinched my lips together.

_I’m not._

_K. see ya tmrw._


	22. Chapter 22

We gathered in the community center. It had been over a year since we were all gathered here, watching the draft dates being pulled. My chest was heavy at the thought of Alex, still missing in the war. But at that moment, we were celebrating a victory. The war had come to it’s end. A bitter victory, but a victory none the less. Kent would be coming home to his family.

And I was still alone.

Despite the announcement, the room was still heavy. Heavy with the loss of one of our own. Heavy without Alex’s presence. I could feel their eyes on me as we watched the reporter. Their sad eyes. “Poor Kate,” they must have thought. “Poor, lonely, helpless Kate.”

Shane’s eyes felt the heaviest. I knew he was studying me harder than ever. Waiting for me to break. Waiting to swoop in to my rescue. I ignored him, but a part of me wanted to go to him. To be with him. Whatever happened, I knew he would be there. He would always be there for me.

I wondered if he had given up on Alex. They had all given up. Assumed him to be dead.

But I hadn’t given up. I held on.

I fingered the tags around my neck and swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. Lewis cleared his throat.

“Well, this is good news indeed,” he said.

I hadn’t realized how quiet the room had become. His voice seemed too loud.

Jodi was beaming. I couldn’t help but to hate her. She was getting her husband back. I had found myself hating her more and more, despite the fact that she had done nothing wrong. But she had what I didn’t.

She met my gaze and her smile disappeared.

I looked away and stared blankly at the tv screen. Another hot summer.

*****

I sat with Shane at the bar that night. Pam was talking loudly from across the room to Jodi, Carolyn, and Lewis. She would be picking up Kent and Abigail from the airport. They would be home next week. Of course they were excited. They had every right to be.

Shane tapped the counter. “Two more.”

Gus slid two bottles in our direction. Shane nodded his thanks.

“Don’t listen to that drunk,” Shane said into his bottle.

“Why? Because she won’t be bringing my husband home? Everyone else has accepted it.” My voice raised unintentionally. “You’d rather just assume he’s dead.”

My words pained him. I could see it in his face. He did not meet my gaze.

“No one is assuming he’s dead,” he mumbled.

“You are. You all are.”

“He’s been missing for almost a year, Kate.”

“You’ve given up,” I hissed at him.

“Well, what else could it be?” His voice was louder now. “The war’s over, Kate. And there’s no Alex.”

I saw the regret flash across his face, but it was too late. His words had pierced me. I couldn’t breathe. He was right. I was being stupid. Alex was gone and he was never coming back.

“Kate!”

Leah had pushed past Shane and was at my side. I suddenly realized I was clutching my chest. Alex’s tags. I gasped for breath. My vision had blurred as the tears streamed down my face.

“Kate,” Shane began quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve done enough,” Leah hissed at him. “Get out of here.”

Shane didn’t hesitate to leave the bar, slamming the door behind him.

I sobbed into Leah’s shoulder. I couldn’t keep my composure anymore. I felt their eyes on me. Their pitiful eyes. I couldn’t be in there any longer.

I pushed passed Leah, stumbling out the door and into the warm night. I didn’t even notice when I stumbled into Shane’s arms and he pulled me into his chest.

“I didn’t mean it, Kate,” he whispered helplessly. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re right,” I sobbed.

“No.” He hesitated. “No. We don’t know that.”

I pushed away and met his gaze. “What if he doesn’t come back?”

Shane didn’t say anything. He looked at his feet.

I felt my stomach churn. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to wake up. For it to all be a dream. But I felt a strange sense of comfort in his eyes. In his arms.

“Shane…”

“Yeah?”

I hesitated. “I don’t know what to do… if he doesn’t come back…”

“You push on,” Shane said slowly, his voice soft. “For Jak.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to,” he growled at me. “You have to, Kate.”

I swallowed as the idea of Alex being gone forever weighed heavy on my mind, sickening me. I shook my head as my vision blurred again.

“I can’t,” I sobbed.

Shane’s grip was tight on my arms. “You can.”

I tried to steady myself. I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched my lips together, but my heart was breaking and the pain was getting to be too much. I collapsed on to the ground, Shane’s hands still on me. He knelt before me, waiting.

“Will you,” I stuttered, “will you be here?”

“Where am I gonna go?”

“Don’t leave me. Not like Alex.”

“Kate…”

“I can’t do it alone.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“I don’t want to do it alone.”

Shane hesitated. “You don’t have to.”

“You’ll help me?”

I felt his grip loosen. He looked at the ground. “I won’t leave you alone,” he said quietly.

“Promise?”

His eyes met mine but he didn’t say anything. I needed to know. I needed to know he would be there.

“Do you love me?”

His eyes searched mine. “Alex will come home.”

“You didn’t answer me.”

Shane hesitated. “Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. I didn’t know why it mattered. It didn’t matter.

Shane stood, pulling me to my feet.

“You don’t have to help,” I muttered.

Shane looked to the starlit sky. “I promised Alex.”


	23. Chapter 23

I watched as Jak played with his breakfast at the table, my chin in my hand. In just a couple of hours, everyone would be gathered at the bus stop, waiting for Kent and Abigail. I knew I should have been there with them, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. I couldn’t watch everyone else got their loved ones back. I couldn’t stand to have their gazes on me, knowing that my husband would probably never return.

I swallowed at the lump that had formed and cleared my throat. “Don’t play with your food, Jak,” I mumbled.

Jak waved his spoon in the air, making excited babbling sounds. “Mama, eat.” He shoved the spoon in his mouth and watched me. I forced a reassuring smile.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I cleaned the food off of his face and changed him out of his pajamas. I let him roam around the house, playing with Dusty, as I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. When that was finished, I busied myself with picking up Jak’s room and aimlessly cleaning various things around the house until Jak started to get destructive, throwing his toys across the floor. I knew I couldn’t keep him cooped up in the house all day. I wanted nothing more than to sit in the house all day, but the animals needed tending to, and Jak loved playing in the dirt. It was good for him. He shouldn’t have to suffer because I was. I sighed.

“Want to play outside?”

“Yeah,” Jak shouted excitedly.

I helped him put his little boots on and followed him outside with Dusty on my heels. He bounded after the little boy and lapped at Jak’s face happily. Dusty followed as Jak hurried along, his nose the ground as he did so.

I sat on the front steps and watched Jak play in the dirt. Dusty sniffed the ground around him, pawing at the dirt and helping Jak dig. The chickens followed in their wake, pecking at the bugs and grubs that were revealed as the boy and dog dug.

Dusty’s nose was in the air suddenly, smelling the scents that drifted his way. He started barking enthusiastically and bounded towards me. I held out my hand, but he ran right passed me and towards the road. I stood, ready to call his name, but my heart stopped at the man before me, still clad in his uniform, bending over to greet his beloved dog. He looked up, his gaze meeting mine, and smiled.

“Oh my god,” was all I could mutter as my heart melted. I stood frozen to the ground as Alex approached me, dropping his gear and wrapping me in his arms. I sobbed into his chest, my knees giving out, but Alex held on. He knelt on the ground with me as I sobbed into him. He kissed my head over and over as I clung to him.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” I whispered into his neck. I held his face and kissed his lips. I felt his lips smile under mine.

“I told you I’d be back,” he whispered.

“Mommy?”

Jak was at my side. I pushed away and pulled him to me. Jak gazed at the man before him with uncertainty. 

I cleared my throat. “Jak,” I started, my voice shaking. “This is your daddy.”

“Daddy?”

Alex looked at his son, pain and love infused on his face. He smiled at the boy.

“Hey, little man,” Alex said softly, reaching out to his son. “Damn,” he muttered. “You’ve gotten big.”

Jak smiled and stumbled into his father’s arms, giggling. Alex kissed his son’s head, his face wet with fresh tears. 

Fresh tears welled in my eyes as I watched my son confidently accept his father’s presence after his long absence. Alex pulled his son tightly into his arms. He met my gaze and smiled through his own wet eyes. I felt my throat tighten again. He pulled me towards him once more, holding both of us in his arms.

Suddenly, my mind was a chaotic blur. I had so may questions. So much he needed to know. I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I didn’t want to end the moment. But I needed to tell him. Clara. He needed to know about Clara.

I took Jak into my arm and grabbed at Alex’s hand.

“Come,” I said softly, forcing the words passed the lump in my throat. “I… need to show you something.”

I brought him across the farm to where Clara was buried, in the shade of an old oak tree. The flowers were in full bloom around her marked grave. I felt Alex’s hand tighten around me as it came into view.

“What is this?”

I put Jak on the ground and he played under the tree.

I hesitated and met his gaze. “This is our daughter… Clara.”

Alex got to his knees and Jak ran into his arms once more.

“Daddy.”

Alex stared at the grave in shock, holding his son as Jak tugged at his shirt. After a moment, he met my gaze, his eyes wet again. I knelt beside him and took his hand.

“Dr. Harvey and Lewis and Gus did this for me,” I explained to him. “It happened right after you left. I found out I was pregnant. And… I miscarried. Shane found me and took me to Dr. Harvey, but he couldn’t save us both…”

Alex nodded, pinching his lips together, and gripped my hand tighter. “I’m so sorry,” he said softly.

I shook my head. “No. I don’t want you to be sorry. I just wanted you to know her.” I paused. “I like to think she would have had your eyes.”

Alex smiled through his tears. “Mom’s eyes.”

We stood up. Jak stretched his arms towards his father and Alex picked him up.

“Clara,” Jak said.

“That’s your sister,” Alex said to him. He smiled through his tears and kissed his son’s head. Jak looked to the grave and smiled before he nuzzled into Alex’s neck.

We walked quietly back to the house, Jak drifting off to sleep in his father’s arms.

“I know you have questions,” Alex said, his voice strained.

“We don’t… we don’t have to worry about that right now.” I felt my stomach twist in pain. I met Alex’s gaze and finally saw the pain in his eyes that he tried to hide from me. “You don’t have to tell me anything…”

Alex looked at his feet as we walked into the house. He put Jak down in his bed and took my hands in his. He pulled me into our bedroom and we sat on the bed.

“I promised you I would come back,” he said to me, cupping his palm around my face.

I nodded. “I never doubted that.”

He pressed his lips into mine, but his kiss was hesitant.

“What’s wrong?”

Alex pulled away and shook his head. “Honestly? I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep.”

“You can’t sleep!” I pulled him off the bed. “You just got here! Did you even see your grandparents?”

“Yes, and I think I almost gave them a heart attack. Why weren’t you there?”

“I didn’t want to see my husband not be on that bus…”

“Well, here I am.”

“We should go into town.”

Alex shook his head. “We’re not leaving this room ever again.” 

He pulled me down and kissed my neck.

“That sounds perfect.”


	24. Chapter 24

Every single person was in the bar that night, cheering as Alex and I entered, their glasses high in the air. We sat at the table with Evelyn and George, and Evelyn erupted into tears. She put her hands on her grandson’s face and kissed him.

“See ya got ya legs still,” George said to him as we sat down.

“I made extra sure of that,” Alex said. “I wasn’t going anywhere without ‘em.”

“Beer’s on me, kid,” Gus said, bringing two glasses over for us.

“Thanks, Gus.”

My eyes scanned the bar as Alex talked with his grandparents. I felt uneasy. There were still so many unanswered questions, and I wasn’t the only one who wanted answers. Kent and Jodi were watching us carefully. Jodi looked away when I met their gaze, but Kent held his. He knew something.

I continued to scan the room. Eyes darted back and forth, to Alex, then back, questions surely being raised amongst them. I found Shane at the bar, sitting alone in the corner as he usually did. His eyes, though, were on me.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and looked back at my glass. At the corner of my eye, I watched as Shane finished off the rest of his drink and walked towards us. His hand fell on Alex’s shoulder as he walked by.

“Welcome home, Bud.”

I watched as he left the saloon.

“Guess he hasn’t changed,” Alex joked.

I forced a smile. “Yeah.”

“Everything okay?”

I nodded and smiled at him. “Just really hoping that this isn’t a dream.”

I watched as Kent stood and made his way outside.

Alex followed my gaze out the window. Shane and Kent stood together outside.

“What’s wrong?”

I shook my head. “Nothing”

Alex finished his beer and pushed away. “I’ll be right back.”

Alex trotted down the steps and towards Kent and Shane. They turned to him but did not greet him.

“What is this, a funeral?” Alex asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You’re damn lucky it ain’t,” Kent hissed. “Could be yours.”

“You’re awfully defensive for someone who almost killed our whole unit.”

“I did what I had to do.”

“And I did what I had to do to save them all. Including you.”

Shane threw his arms in the air. “This shit is getting too real for me.”

“Forget it, Alex,” Kent spat. “Don’t you say a god damn word.”

Alex and Shane watched as Kent marched away angrily.

Shane whistled. “What the hell was that about?”

“Forget it,” Alex said angrily. “Nothing happened.”

Shane studied his friend for a moment. “You can talk to me, you know.”

Alex met his gaze. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Alex, you were M.I.A.”

“And now I’m home. Forget about it.”

“What the hell happened out there?”

“I said forget about it!”

Shane was quiet, studying Alex.

“I’m sorry,” Alex muttered, looking down at his feet. “I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“’S okay,” Shane said. “I get it.”

“Thanks for being around for Kate.”

Shane shrugged. “Yeah. Sure.”

“She told me about Clara.”

Shane shifted his weight on his feet. “Oh.”

Alex met Shane’s gaze, his brows knit together. “What happened?”

“Alex, listen…”

Alex watched Shane carefully.

“You don’t need to know the details.”

“I wasn’t there for her. I need to know. I need to know what happened to my daughter.” His daughter. The words made his chest ache for her.

“She needs to know what happened to you,” Shane said pointedly. 

Alex looked away. “She doesn’t need to know that. I can’t tell her that.”

“She almost died without you. She deserves to know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It was bad, Alex. Real bad. I thought she was already dead.”

Alex swallowed.

Shane turned back to his feet. “I found her laying in her own blood. There was blood everywhere. She couldn’t stay awake. It almost killed her. Hell, it almost killed Harvey. Didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself.”

“I wish I was there.”

“No. You don’t. You got the easy way out. You didn’t know about any of it. About how she suffered without you. About how she had to deal with losing her own child without you. You don’t know what that did to her. To us. We didn’t think she’d come back. We didn’t hear from her for a long time. I went by every day just to make sure she was alive.”

“I didn’t choose to be shipped across the damn sea,” Alex hissed.

“No. You’re right. You didn’t.” Shane sighed. “I know shit was happening over there. But shit was happening here, too. Things aren’t the same as when you left.”

“What are you saying?”

Shane turned away. “She deserves to know, Alex.”

Alex watched as Shane walked away and disappeared into the darkness.


	25. Chapter 25

Alex returned inside the bar, his face pale.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nothing. Don’t feel well. I’m going home.”

I nodded. “Okay. Come on.”

We said our good byes before walking back to the house in silence.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“Mhm. Just tired.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

“You know if I could have been here…”

I gripped his hand tightly. “I know. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Nothing is your fault.”

“I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.”

“You’re here now, and that’s all that matters.”

Alex stopped walking. In the light of the moon, I could see he held his gaze on me, concerned. Something was heavy on his mind.

“Shane was there for you.”

“What?”

“Shane. He told me about it all. The miscarriage. The blood. Checking on you every day.”

“Alex-”

“I could see the pain… as he told me what happened…”

“Alex…”

“He loves you.”

I was stunned. “What? What are you talking about?”

“He loves you,” Alex repeated.

My heart raced. “Alex, you’re being ridiculous. He was just watching out for me. Everyone was.”

“That’s what happens when guys go off to war. Their girlfriends - wives - they find other people.”

“Alex!”

“It’s my own fault. I asked him to look out for you.”

“Alex, stop this!”

Alex was quiet, waiting.

“I know I don’t know what you went through over there, but don’t you dare think for a second you know what happened here. You don’t have a clue. Every day away from you - I was dying. When I lost Clara… I thought I lost you. I lost myself. Every day that passed was worse than the next. And when they told me you were M.I.A… I held on for so long, hoping, dreaming, knowing the whole time you could have been dead. Never coming back to me. Leaving me alone. There was never anyone else. I would have died. Shane was there for me. Leah and Penny were there for me. Dr. Harvey was there for me. Without them, I probably would have died. Shane… he pulled me out of a dark place. He kept his promise to you.”

“He fell in love with you.”

I clutched the tags that were still around my neck. “I didn’t fall in love with him. I love you, Alex. That’s never changed, and it never will.”

“I know.” Alex’s voice was soft. He pulled me into his arms. “I’m sorry. I was so afraid…”

I shook my head into his chest. “Let’s go home.”

I just wanted to be with him, in his arms, in our bed, just like how it used to be. We walked back to the house, hand in hand. Inside, I quickly changed out of my clothes, throwing on a loose shirt, and hurried into bed. I pushed myself as close as I could to Alex, but it wasn’t close enough. He wrapped his arm around me tightly and buried his face against me. My fingers intertwined with his and I sighed. I missed him beside me so much. And he smelled the way he always did. I smiled in the darkness.

“I love you, Kate,” he whispered in my ear.

“I love you, Alex.”


	26. Chapter 26

I bolted upright in bed, gasping. It was a dream. It was all just a dream. My hand flew to Alex’s side of the bed. I jumped, startled, when it touched flesh. Alex. He was there.

His hand flew to his face, brushing my hand away, mumbling in his sleep.

I waited until my breathing slowed and lay back down beside him. I let my fingers trace the edges of his face and down to his bare chest. His eyes opened slowly and he smiled when he met my gaze.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey.”

He blinked and rubbed his eyes, groaning. “What time is it?”

“No clue.”

He let his hands brush my hair out of my face and kissed my lips.

“Breakfast time?” He sat up and stretched his arms above him.

I shrugged. “I guess it can be. Scrambled eggs?”

His eyes lit up. “Oh my god, yes, please!”

I laughed and threw my legs over the side of the bed, but his arms pulled me back into his chest. He kissed my cheek and sighed into my neck.

“C’mon,” I said, pulling myself away and taking his hand. “Let me make you some eggs.”

 

*****

 

After we ate, we brought Jak outside, letting him play with the chickens as I showed Alex some of the improvements around the farm.

“Shane installed the automatic waterers,” I said, showing him the troughs in the barn, but his smile disappeared.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Nothing. Glad Shane proved to be of some use.”

I hesitated. “He was. He kept his promise.”

Alex turned away, leaving me alone in the barn. I stared dumbly at the water troughs before following him outside. He leaned against the fence, watching Jak chase the chickens around outside the coop.

“Alex.” My voice was soft. I didn’t know what to say to him, but I knew he was still bothered by Shane.

But Alex smiled when he met my gaze. He took my hand and kissed me.

“Please don’t worry about Shane.”

Alex sighed. “I’m not. I’m sorry for letting it bother me.”

“But if it does bother you…”

“I know Shane wouldn’t do anything. It’s just one of those things you worry about when you’re trying not to step on a mine.” He smiled, but I didn’t find his joke amusing. My stomach twisted and I looked away, debating whether I should tell him about what had happened. Shane’s drunken night, as I referred to it. But I didn’t want him to think badly of his friend. It didn’t matter, anyway. It wasn’t real.

“What’s wrong?”

Alex’s eyes were on me. I shook my head. “What happened to you, Alex?” I met his gaze, but he didn’t say anything. “You were gone.” I clutched at his tags. “They came and told us you were gone.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said quickly, dismissing the topic, but I pressed further.

“Don’t worry about it? How can you say that? I didn’t think you’d come home. I thought you were dead!”

“It doesn’t matter,” he muttered.

“It does matter, Alex.”

“Why? It doesn’t change anything.”

I stared at him, but his voice softened.

“I’m still here. Alive. Isn’t that all that matters?”

I turned to watch Jak play in the dirt. “Are you okay?” I said quietly. I felt Alex’s hand around mine.

“Yeah,” he said, pulling my chin to him.

I searched his eyes for the truth. 

“I’m okay,” he said.

 

*****

 

Alex slid into the bar beside Shane. It was a quiet night in the saloon. Everyone had settled back into their routines, happy that their friends and family were back home and the war was over.

Alex nodded to Gus in thanks as gus handed him a beer. Neither Alex nor Shane said as word as they took turns drinking. Finally, Alex broke the silence.

“You’re in love with her,” he stated. He could feel Shane’s gaze on him, but he did not turn.

Shane did not respond. He turned back to his beer and finished it. He let the bottle bang loudly against the counter. He pushed it away from him and met Gus’s gaze from across the room. Gus narrowed his eyes at Shane, but replaced the empty bottle with a full one, leaving them alone again and cleaning the dishes.

Alex turned to Shane and Shane met his gaze. Alex’s brows were knit together sternly. “Stay away from her.”

Shane pinched his lips together, turned his gaze to the counter, and nodded slowly.

Alex finished his drink and sighed. Without another word, he stood up and left the saloon, leaving Shane alone.

Shane chugged his beer and signaled for another.

“I’m cutting you off after this one,” Gus said to him.

“Um fine,” Shane muttered.

“You’re not fine, Shane. Even I lost count. Damn, I’ve never seen you drink this much. Go home.”

Shane swore under his breath. Gus narrowed his eyes angrily before turning away. Shane stared at the bottle before pushing away from the bar and stumbling out the door.


	27. Chapter 27

Alex and I fell back into our old routine on the farm the next morning. Alex worked quietly in the fields as Jak and I worked in the barn. Jak helped me collect the eggs from the chicken and I showed him how to milk the cows which made him burst into a fit of giggles as the milk sprayed into the bucket.

When we finished, Jak found his father fixing a broken fence and jumped onto his back. Alex smiled as he grabbed his son’s arms and spun him around.

“Did you finish helping Mom?” Alex asked, putting him back on the ground and dusting off his hands.

“I milked a cow,” Jak said excitedly.

Alex put his hands on his hips and met my gaze, smirking. “He’s gonna be a hit with the ladies.”

“Alex!”

Alex laughed at my shock. “What?” He waved a hand at me. “He doesn’t even have a clue.”

I narrowed him eyes at him as I took Jak’s hands. “Don’t ever date girls,” I said to Jak.

“So you want him to date guys?” Alex said, following behind me as I walked toward the house.

“Jak’s not allowed to date anyone.” I shot a glance towards Alex over my shoulder. “Especially if he’s anything like you.”

Alex’s grin grew wider, proud. I rolled my eyes. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” I said, picking Jak up. “Then we can go see Nana and Papa, yeah?”

“Cookies?” Jak asked.

I smiled. “I bet there will be.”

I changed Jak out of his dirty clothes before hopping into the shower and changing into something fresh. Alex and I walked Jak down the road and into town. But Alex stopped dead in his tracks. I followed his gaze. Outside, a man stood before Evelyn and George. They were angry. Evelyn was yelling at the man. All three turned to us, noticing our presence. The man looked to Alex, then to me, then down to Jak, and smiled. 

“Alex." 

"What are you doing here?” Alex hissed.

“I wanted to see you." 

"He doesn’t want to see you,” Evelyn growled. 

“I had been calling your grandparents,” the man said, narrowing his eyes at them before turning back to Alex. “I called when I heard about the draft. I called after the war ended. I had no idea what happened to you. They wouldn’t tell me. I had to come and see for myself." 

"Why would you care what happened to me?" 

"Because you’re my son." 

"You never cared a day in your life,” Alex spat.

“That’s not true, Alex,” the man said quietly. 

“You thought I was dead. You just wanted a way to try to redeem yourself. To make yourself feel better about what you did to me and Mom." 

"I just wanted to know what happened to my son.” He looked at Jak and smiled. “Obviously life has been good to you. Is that my grandson?" 

"You have no grandson.” Alex’s knuckles whitened at his side. I pulled Jak to my side. 

"At least give me a chance to make amends and start over." 

"I don’t want you anywhere near my family." 

"Alex-" 

"You heard him,” George shouted. “Get out of here. You’re not welcome in Stardew." 

"Alex, please…" 

"Get out!" 

His father looked to me, to Jak, then back to Alex. "Fine. You’ll never see me again.” He pushed passed us and headed down the road. 

We stood in silence for a moment, Jak tugging on my hand. 

“Mama?" 

I picked him up; he was getting so big so quickly. I cleared my throat. "I smell cookies." 

Jak clapped his hands together and reached for Evelyn. Evelyn smiled and took her great grandson in her arms. 

"Made them just for you,” she said. She kissed his cheek and carried him into the house. George grunted and followed his wife inside. 

“Are you okay?” I asked, turning to Alex. 

He nodded and sighed. “Yup. Forget about it." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"There’s nothing to talk about,” he said angrily. 

“I’m sorry…” I started to walk into the house, but he grabbed my hand and smiled. 

“No. I’m sorry. Don’t worry about it. He’s gone. He won’t bother us here. I won’t let him.”

“What if he means it, though? What if he really changed?”

“I don’t want him anywhere near you or our son. There’s no exception.”

“Alex, its been years.”

“Why are you on his side?”

“I’m not. But if you have a chance to make things right with him…”

“He lost his chance a long time ago. You know what he put us through. He doesn’t deserve a second chance.”

“I know.” I sighed. “I just hate to see you go through this. I wish things were different, that’s all.”

Alex shook his head. “I don’t. If anything was different, I’d never know you.”

I forced a smile, but my eyes drifted passed him and down the road, but his father was already gone. 

“I just can’t believe he had the balls to show up here,” he muttered.

I squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek. “Don’t worry about it. He’s gone.”

Alex was quiet, now looking down the road, his eyebrows knit together.

“Come on,” I said, pulling at his hand. “Your grandmother is going to make our son fat with all those cookies.”


	28. Chapter 28

After spending a couple of hours that afternoon with Alex’s grandparents, we met Penny by the river where Jak played with Jas and Vincent, taking a break from their afternoon school work. Alex sat on the edge of the bank, showing the older kids how to use a fishing rod. Alex climbed on his father as he cast the rod into the river and handed it to Jas.

Penny and I leaned on the bridge, watching as they struggled with a fish on the line. Alex pulled Jas back, helping her reel it in as Vincent reached out over the water.

“Everything back to normal?” Penny asked.

I nodded. “Like he never left.”

She smiled. “Good. I’m glad Jak has his father back.”

“Me too.”

Penny turned to me. “And you’re okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just making sure.”

Jas cheered from the bank of the river, holding her catch before her. She turned to us excitedly. “Look at my fish, Shane!”

My heart stopped. Penny and turned around. Shane stood behind us, his hands shoved in his pockets. He looked passed me and smiled at Jas.

“Jas tattled on you,” Penny said. “Said you gave her the answers to her homework.”

Shane shrugged and walked passed us.

Alex helped Jas remove the fish from the hook and released it back into the water. He stood, crossing his arms as Shane took Jas’s hands.

“Come on,” he grumbled. “Dinner time.”

Alex turned his attention to Jak, picking him up from the mud. I felt Penny’s gaze on me.

“That was cold,” she muttered.

Alex met my gaze and I smiled to him, but my stomach twisted sickeningly. He met us on the bridge as Vincent had a turn with the fishing pole.

“I’m going to bring Jak home,” Alex said.

I kissed Jak’s cheek, then Alex. “See you in a bit.”

I watched Jak run ahead of Alex before turning and sticking his tongue out. Alex scooped him up and flipped him upside down. Jak laughed loudly as Alex carried him back towards the house.

“I guess I should bring Vincent home,” Penny said.

I met her hard gaze. “What do you want from me?”

She shook her head. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I have no reason not to be,” I said confidently. “My husband is home. That’s all I ever wanted.”

“Okay,” she said simply and smiled. She left me alone on the bridge, bringing Vincent home. I stood looking over the water until the sun began its descent, then I wandered through town. I passed the saloon and hesitated. I could have gone for a cold drink, but there was beer at home, and I didn’t want to chance running into Shane.

I opted to take the long way home through the woods, hoping to be alone with my thoughts, but Shane was at the lake, beer in hand, and he already heard me. He turned as I approached, caught my gaze, then turned back to the lake. I made my way to his side.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

Shane didn’t look at me. He shrugged. “I’m not.”

“Yes you are. Ever since Alex came back. What’s wrong with you?”

He met my gaze, his face serious. “Alex told me to stay away from you.”

“What? Why?”

Shane held his gaze for a moment before turning away. “'Cuz the kid’s got jealousy issues. Thinks I’m gonna steal you from him.”

“Are you?”

He looked out over the lake before meeting my gaze. “Am I?”

“No,” I said quickly.

He turned away. “Then I guess not.”

I studied him as he obviously avoided my gaze. “Was that your plan the whole time?”

“My plan?”

“To steal me away from Alex.”

He smiled at his beer. “There was never a plan.”

“But you wanted to.”

Shane sighed. “I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t even want to look out for you or care for you.”

I hesitated. “But you did.”

“Alex asked me to.”

“I think there’s more to it than that.”

He met my gaze. “What do you want me to say? That I fell in love with you? That a sick part of me hoped Alex would never come back?”

My breath caught in my throat. “Is that true?”

“Would it change anything?”

“Yes.”

His eyes seemed to sparkle for a moment.

“It would change everything,” I continued. “I would lose all respect for you.”

He turned away from me but didn’t seem surprised. “I couldn’t help it,” he said softly. “But I never would have acted on it. Even if he… didn’t come back. I never wanted to hurt you or Alex.”

I shook my head. “You have acted on it. You and your stupid drunk night.”

“I didn’t mean that,” he muttered.

I met his gaze. “But you did. Being drunk just gave you the balls to do it.”

He hesitated. “That was just one time…”

“But it was real.” I lowered my voice. “You didn’t want Alex to come back.”

Shane didn’t say anything. He didn’t look at me. I watched the sun disappear over the horizon. “Tell me the truth, Shane.”

He looked at me from the corner of his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. You said so yourself.”

“Right,” I nodded. “It doesn’t matter.” I sighed. “I just want things to go back to normal. Alex didn’t mean it. He doesn’t hate you. I don’t want to be the reason you guys aren’t friends.”

I felt his gaze on me but this time, I didn’t turn.

“The thing is,” he began, “you are the reason. Alex and I can never be friends. I love you too much.” He hesitated. “And Alex is right. I need to stay away. We can’t be friends anymore, either.

He stretched and tossed his empty beer bottle to the ground. I stared at the bottle, then turned my gaze onto him.

“Shane…”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned, walking away.

“Shane!” But he didn’t hesitate, didn’t turn around. He walked and disappeared into the night.

I stood and stared into the darkness. My stomach twisted and my chest ached. I wanted him to come back. To take it all back. He couldn’t avoid me. Not here. We’d see each other. Everywhere. He was being stupid. Immature. Irrational.

“Shane!” But it was useless. He had made his decision. I felt my eyes start to well. I just wanted things to go back to normal. I wanted my life back. I wanted Alex and Shane. Why couldn’t I have them both?


	29. Chapter 29

“No!”

Alex bolted upright in bed, heaving and sweating in the darkness. He jumped when I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Alex.”

I waited for him to catch his breath. He cleared his throat and got out of bed.

“Alex.”

“What?” he shouted.

I watched as he rubbed his face with his palms and sat back on the bed. I wanted to touch him - hold him - but I was afraid. I watched his shoulders move with each heavy breath. Finally, he sighed, and turned to me, pulling me into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into my hair.

I pulled away and met his gaze.

“It was just a dream,” he muttered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

I clicked on the light on my night stand and caught my reflection in the mirror across the room. It looked worse than it felt.

“Oh my god.”

I covered my cheek with my hand.

“No.”

“Alex, don’t worry about it.”

“I hit you.”

“No…” I hesitated. It still stung. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t, Alex. You just… moved your arm in your sleep.”

“Oh my god.” He ran his fingers through his hair. I watched his knuckles turn white as he made tight fists with his hands, leaning his forehead against them.

I rest my hand on his arm and he flinched. He shook his head.

“No. Don’t.” He got out of bed again.

“Where are you going?”

“Couch.”

“Alex, stop. Please, come back.” I followed him into the living room. “Please come back to bed with me.”

He leaned against his arm on the wall. “I hit you.”

“Alex.”

“I can’t risk doing that again.”

“Alex, please,” I begged. “It’s not your fault. It was a dream.”

Alex shook his head in the dim light. I approached him slowly and let my head rest against his back. He turned and wrapped me in his arms.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” I said softly. “It’s not your fault.”

He pushed me away and collapsed onto the couch. I stood in the doorway.

“Alex…”

“Please,” he muttered, not looking at me. He curled up on the couch and crossed his arms.

I didn’t argue with him. I hesitated in the doorway for a moment before turning away and climbing back into bed. I switched the light off and stared into the darkness. My cheek started to burn. I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to return, but the rest of the night was restless. 

Alex had coffee ready in the morning. He looked like he got less sleep than I did.

“Everything’s done,” he said quietly, not meeting my gaze.

I sipped my coffee across from him. “Done?”

He nodded. “Crops. Animals. Done.”

I looked into my mug. I didn’t remember hearing him get up or leave. Maybe I had found a moment of sleep.

Alex stood up. I met his gaze. He turned his gaze away and headed for the door.

I stood. “Where are you going?”

“Out for a bit.”

I watched the door close behind him. I stared at the door until I heard Jak wake up. I got him dressed and fed him dinner. While he played, I studied my face in the bathroom mirror. There was a large purple spot now, under my eye. I dug through my make up, searching for the cover up, and applied it generously, blending it until I was practically a shade darker. Would it be believable? I spent most of my time outside, afterall. I turned my face to the left, then to the right, inspecting my cover up job. It would have to do.

I brought Jak into town, keeping my head low, hoping to avoid anyone’s gaze. At least Penny would watch him with the kids. All I had to do was drop him off and hurry home. Easy enough.

Penny waited outside the library. Shane and Jas were already there. I hesitated as they turned to me. I forced a smile.

“Go head, Jak,” I said, urging him forward. I knew he was anxious to be with the big kids for the day. He ran toward Shane and hugged his leg. I could feel my heart pull in my chest and I was grateful Alex wasn’t there to see. Shane met my gaze. I could feel him studying me. Could he see the bruise through my makeup?

“Come on, Jak,” Penny said, taking his hand and leading him inside.

I turned away and pulled my hoodie over my face. I started to walk away, but I could hear Shane running after me. He pulled at my wrist, spinning me around. I avoided his gaze and tried to turn away, but his grip was hard.

“What happened to your face?”

I hesitated and met Shane’s gaze. “I thought we weren’t friends anymore.”

“You’re hiding something. Did Alex do this?”

“Shane. Stop.”

His voice grew louder. “Did Alex do this?”

I studied his face. His expression was unlike anything I had ever seen before. My heart raced.

“I’ll kill him.” He turned, but I put my hand on his arm and waited for his breathing to slow. He met my gaze once more, his eyes softer now. His fingers brushed the bruise through my fading cover up. I pulled away.

“Alex didn’t do this,” I said confidently. 

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that.”

I looked in his eyes. “Alex did not hurt me.”

He held his gaze for a moment before turning away. “You’re lying.”

“Alex is hurt,” I said, my voice shaking. “He is hurting. You have no idea what he’s been through. It haunts him. Every single night.”

“You’re hurt. You’re hurting.”

“What hurts is that I can’t help him.”

Shane hesitated, his eyes inspecting the bruise.

I pulled away and he let me go, but I did not turn to leave. I stood there, under his watchful eye, waiting for him to argue back, but he remained quiet. After another moment, I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked away.


	30. Chapter 30

It was late when Alex walked down the road towards the house. Shane waited for him, his arms crossed, leaning against a tree. Alex stopped before him, his eyes narrowed.

“What are you doing here?”

“You hit her.”

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb, Alex. You hit her.”

“I thought I told you to stay away from her” Alex growled. 

Shane pushed himself off the tree, getting into Alex’s face. “You. Hit. Her.”

“I know! Damn it, I know!”

Shane hesitated as Alex started to lose his composure.

“Do you really think I did it on purpose? Do you think I’m okay knowing that I hurt her? Without even intending to? Without my own knowledge of doing so? Do you have any idea how that kills me?” Alex pushed forward, pushing Shane back into the tree. “Don’t you for a second think you’re better than I am. Don’t you for a second think I would do anything to hurt her. You have no fucking clue, Shane. Don’t for a second think you can judge me.”

Shane backed away.

“It’s too easy for you to judge me when you don’t have a friggen clue.”

“Then tell me, Alex,” Shane yelled over him. “Give me a reason to believe you can handle this. Prove to me that your family isn’t in danger.”

Alex was silent. He narrowed his eyes at Shane. “My family is not in danger. I am not a danger to them.”

“You’re not?”

Both men stared each other down.

“You have no right to come here and try to tell me I can’t be with my own family.”

“You said it, not me,” Shane said. “You know it’s true. It haunts you - what you could do to them, without even realizing it.”

“You have no idea the things that haunt me,” Alex hissed. “But never has the thought of hurting my family crossed my mind. Not even for a second.”

“You’re lying, Alex. I see it in the bruise on Kate’s face. I see it in the way you look at her. You’re afraid.”

“I’m afraid of a lot of things,” Alex’s voice shook. “Kate is the only thing keeping me sane here. She is the only one keeping me alive.”

“Have you ever thought for a second how she feels? That maybe she’s afraid of you?”

“She’s not.”

Shane said nothing. He held his gaze a moment longer before turning away, but Alex grabbed his shoulder and punched him in the nose.

“I regret a lot of things,” Alex muttered as Shane stumbled backwards.”But my biggest regret is not doing that sooner.”

Shane held his nose and groaned. He pulled his bloodied hand away and spat at the ground. “Fuck you.”

“No, fuck you, Shane. I trusted you with my family.”

“And I took care of them,” Shane spat at him.

Alex shook his head. “I never should have trusted you with her.”

“She’d be dead if it weren’t for me. Do you think anyone else around here could have done what I did? For you?”

“You did it because you love her. You didn’t do any of it for me. I just had to come back and ruin your plans.”

“That’s not true,” Shane hissed nasally.

“Some damn friend you turned out to be.”

“You know what? I’m not doing this. I’m not going to apologize. Yes, I love her. And I did everything for her. I did everything I could to keep her going, even when she wanted to give up. All of it, and all she cared about was you. But I loved her anyway. And I will always love her. But she will never love me. At least you had someone who truly cared for her. Who had her in their best interests. I never betrayed you. I never acted on anything. I kept her alive.”

“So I should be thanking you?” Alex accused. “For loving her?”

“What does it matter what I feel? Are you that insecure? She loves you. I get to sit here and watch her love you. Isn’t that enough for you?”

“Don’t try to turn this around and make me the bad guy.”

“Don’t make me the bad guy. I can’t change how I feel. But I would never come between you and her.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?”

“Yes.”

Alex was quiet for a moment. He studied Shane’s bloodied face. “Stay away from her,” he growled. “Stay away from us.”

He stepped passed Shane and disappeared down the dark road.


	31. Chapter 31

I didn’t see Shane at all the next day. Marnie brought Jas to the library where I stood outside with Penny, Jak, and Vincent. Jas waved a paper in the air at Penny.

“I did this all by myself,” she said proudly.

“Oh, really? Shane didn’t let you cheat?”

Jas looked to her feet. “No. Shane hurt his nose. He was all bloody.”

I met Penny’s careful gaze. My heart raced. I could only imagine the worst. That Alex had confronted him. Neither of them seemed like the fighting type, but then again, I felt like I hardly knew my husband after he got back from the war. I felt sick to my stomach.

“I’ll pick Jak up later,” I mumbled.

Penny nodded and brought the kids inside. Marnie walked with me through town.

“Tell me it’s not true,” I muttered to her.

“Which part?”

I met her gaze. “All of it?”

She said nothing.

“What do you know?”

“This isn’t my place,” she said carefully.

“Marnie. I’ve kept your secrets.”

She sighed and met my gaze. “I don’t know anything. I just see things. And I see how Shane feels about you. The only thing I know for sure is that Alex hit him. And I only know that because he made a big stink about how much of a bastard Alex is.” She rolled her eyes. “And god forbid he know how to take care of a little bloody nose. I had to force the frozen peas onto his face.”

My heart sank in my chest. “I’m sorry,” I said. “None of this should have happened.”

Marnie said nothing. She watched me carefully for a moment. “See you around,” she said, leaving me in the square to tend to her animals.

I made my way back home, lost in my thoughts, until I found Alex outside, finishing up his work on the farm.

“You could have broken his nose,” I said to his back. Alex didn’t turn to me.

“I also could have killed him if I wanted to,” he muttered. His words made me suddenly feel cold. I hadn’t stopped to think about how true that statement was. How he was trained to kill at any cost, with or without a weapon. My heart raced in my chest and my hand went to my cheek, still sore under my makeup.

When I didn’t answer, Alex turned to me. His face was pale. His eyes seemed distant as he met my gaze.

“Kate…”

I turned away, suddenly afraid. My stomach knotted. Guns. We had guns. My gun. Surely Alex had one. Alex knew of mine. I panicked. Where was it?

I ran into the house and dug through the close in our bedroom. I found the case and dragged it out onto the bed. It was still locked. I unlocked it and threw it open. The gun lay safe and secure against the velvet. The magazine was off to the side, empty. The bullets were underneath, right where I kept them.

I looked up and met Alex’s betrayed gaze in the doorway.

“Do you really think…”

“I don’t know what to think anymore!”

“Kate…”

My pulse pounded in my ears. I couldn’t focus. I fumbled with the case, locking it once more. My fingers shook. I had to get rid of it. I was trained… but Alex was better trained. My insides twisted sickeningly.

“You don’t trust me.”

I could practically see it all falling apart. Our marriage. Our family. How did Jodi and Kent do it? Did this happen to them, too? I couldn’t let that happen. I loved Alex. I trusted him.

And I knew what he was capable of. And it scared me.

“I would never… I couldn’t…. Kate….” Alex fumbled for his words.

“What? You’d never kill anyone? How many people did you kill out there, Alex? Don’t tell me you’d never kill.”

I watched his face whiten. His forehead creased in pain. I could practically see the battle in his mind on his face, and it killed me to watch. 

“Alex… I’m sorry…”

“No. You’re right. I killed people. I was drafted into a war and I killed people. Innocent people.”

“They weren’t innocent…”

“But they were. They were just like me. People with families. Mothers, fathers, brothers, wives, kids… They were fighting in a war they never wanted to be a part of. And I killed them. They will never return home because of me. I made fatherless children. Widows. I took sons, brothers, friends.”

My heart shattered and the pieces cut my insides. I choked on my own breath. My vision blurred.

“Alex…”

“I don’t blame you for not trusting me. I don’t trust me, either.”

“I trust you,” I choked out. “I trust you, Alex. With my life. I know you wouldn’t hurt us.”

Alex hesitated. “I already did.”

I shook my head. “That’s nothing,” I muttered. “It’s nothing. It was a mistake.”

“But it’s not nothing…”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. The silence hung over us for a long time. Finally, I stood and tucked the gun case back into the closet, closing the door. I sucked in a breath and turned around, but Alex was gone.

I didn’t see Alex for the rest of the day. I picked up Jak alone. I didn’t run into Shane or Marnie. I brought Jak home, fed him dinner, and tucked him into bed. I sat on the couch, alone, with a beer in hand and stared at the tv screen in the darkness. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I called Penny to ask her to watch Jak, and I went to find Shane.

He was right where I expected him to be, standing by the lake.

“Can we talk?”

Shane shrugged and continued to stare out over the lake. “About what?” He brought the beer in his hand to his lips.

I looked to my feet. “Maybe about you and my husband getting into a fist fight?”

Shane smiled. “I thought you would have enjoyed it.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Two guys fighting over you.”

My insides boiled. “You think that little of me?”

Shane rolled his eyes at the lake.

“Stop being an ass. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t look sorry.”

Shane sighed and looked to the ground. “I am. I’m sorry. But in my defense, he started it.”

“I know.”

“Look.” He hesitated. “It’s too late to go back. I can’t change the way I feel. But I won’t come between you and Alex. I would never do that.”

I nodded, hesitant, unsure if there was even a me and Alex anymore. “I know.”

“I can’t be around you anymore, either.”

I was quiet, but my heart was racing. 

“So,” Shane said with a sigh. “I’m leaving.”

My broken heart somehow managed to shatter all over again. I met his gaze. “What?”

“Tomorrow. I’m leaving.”

“Shane… you can’t leave. Where are you going? You have family here.”

Shane finally met my gaze. “I can’t live the rest of my life seeing you, knowing you’ll never be mine.”

My chest ached. “Shane… Don’t do this. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you. You can’t just up and leave.”

“My mind’s made up.”

“So, I’ll just never hear from you again?”

Shane didn’t answer me. He finished his beer and turned to me, his eyes on mine. His hand rested against my face. I could hear the blood pulsing in my ears. My cheeks were warm where his hands rested. He held his gaze on me, his eyes soft. I wanted to reach to him. To let my fingers run across his face. To kiss him. To make him stay.

“Lie to me,” he whispered. His hands cupped my face. His eyes searched mine. “Just once.”

My throat began to tighten and my heart raced, begging him not to leave. I swallowed and held my gaze, but my breath was caught in my throat and burned in my chest. When I finally did find the words, they were barely audible, just a breath against his lips. “I love you.”

His lips met mine for a soft, delicate moment before he turned away.

“Night, Kate.”

I stood in the darkness, watching as he disappeared into the night.


	32. Chapter 32

Penny was gone and Alex was sitting at the table with a beer when I got home. He didn’t look up when I came in and kicked off my shoes. I sat across from him and searched his face. He finally met my gaze, his eyes red.

“Where do we go from here?”

I could barely hear him. I searched his eyes. My heart raced. “What do you mean?” Don’t leave me, too.

“Tell me where you want to go.” His voice was quiet. “I just want you to be happy. To be safe.”

“I don’t want to go anywhere.” My voice shook. “I don’t want you to go anywhere.”

“We can’t both be in your life, Kate.”

My lungs burned. I couldn’t breathe. His eyes stared into mine.

“Alex.”

“Where do you want to be?”

I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t bring out the words I wanted to say.

Alex finished his beer and looked at his hands. “Shane would never hurt you.”

“Alex…”

“Shane can give you a better life than I can.”

“Stop!” My voice squeaked as I forced the words from my lungs. I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. “Stop it, Alex. The life I want is with you. It always was and will always be with you. But I can’t do it alone. You can’t do it alone. I need you and you need me. We need each other. I can only be there for you as much as you let me.”

“I know you’re there for me…”

“But you push me away. You’re afraid. I know you’re afraid. It’s okay to be afraid. But you’re stronger than this. Don’t push me away, Alex. Don’t be afraid.”

Alex’s voice shook. “I don’t know how.”

I reached across the table. “Let me help you. Please. We’re in this together. We need each other. We can better ourselves together.”

“I can’t hurt you or Jak…”

“You won’t.”

“I don’t trust myself.”

“You have to.”

Alex hesitated. He took my hands in his. “You know I will do anything for you.”

“Then fight. Don’t give up on us. Come back to us. Be here, with me.”

“But what if-”

“No, Alex, stop. You can’t think ‘what if.’ You can’t worry.”

“I have to worry, Kate. Look what I’ve done already, and I’ve hardly been back a week.”

“Alex,” I sobbed. “Please. Fight. I love you. I need you. And you need me.”

“I love you too much to let myself hurt you again.”

"You won’t. Trust yourself. You already know you don’t want to. I know you won’t let it happen again.”

Alex looked to his feet. I stood and pulled at his hands until he was standing too. I pressed myself into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.

“I love you so much, Kate,” he whispered to me.

I kissed his lips, carefully at first, until he pulled me closer and pressed harder. I lifted his shirt and pulled him into the bedroom, where our clothes quickly dropped to the floor and we crawled into bed together.

 

*****

 

I was alone in bed when I woke up. I sat up and blinked in the sunlight. I could smell coffee. Nothing beat the aroma of coffee. I followed my nose into the kitchen where Alex was attempting to flip an egg. His face fell when the yolk broke.

I grabbed another egg from the counter beside him, cracked it, and let it drop on to the pan. I kissed his cheek softly.

“For me?” I asked as I grabbed the hot mug of coffee next to me.

“Sure. I can make another for myself.” He smiled and kissed my head.

I watched him as I sipped from the mug. “We’re okay, right?”

He met my gaze. “Of course.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about anything?”

He hesitated. “No.”

“Alex. You can’t keep secrets forever. You need to talk to someone.”

He turned back to the pan and reached for the spatula, but I grabbed it from him and flipped the egg perfectly.

“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” he mumbled. 

“Why? It will help.”

He turned and met my gaze. “How will reliving that all help?”

I leaned against the counter, the mug in my hands, pressed against my lips. “I don’t know,” I said to the coffee. “Isn’t that what people do?”

“They see psychiatrists. Is that what you want me to do?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered. 

“Do you think I need that?”

“Do you?”

Alex turned back to the stove. He turned it off and slid the egg onto a plate. He stared at the plate for a moment longer.

“It doesn’t make you any less of a man to ask for help,” I said softly. “You don’t deserve to suffer. I can’t watch you suffer.” I put my mug on the counter and wrapped my arms around his waist. I let my head rest against his back. He turned and wrapped his arms around me, leaning his forehead against mine.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“We don’t have to talk about it. But I don’t want you to be afraid. I don’t want you to hurt.”

“I know.”

I pushed away and held his hands in mine. I played with his fingers and looked into his eyes.

“I’ll eat the broken egg,” I said playfully. “I like when you break them.”


	33. Shane (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big Important Update! 
> 
> I hope you guys have enjoyed the story so far! Just wanted to give you all an update. The main story line will be taking a little bit of a break. But don’t worry, it’s not over! In fact, we’re going to go *woooo space sounds* back in time! *woooo magical* back to chapter three, where we will be diving in to Shane’s point of view, because why the hell not?
> 
> So the chapters that follow will start from the beginning of the original story line, in Shane’s POV, and will be marked accordingly. I’ll label them “Chapter # - Shane (#)” The number in the parentheses will represent the corresponding original chapters. So some of the scenes may be familiar because they’ve already happened, and some chapters may skip around a bit. But now we’ll be more in Shane’s head and see what goes on when he’s not with Kate. Just for funsies. And because when the story comes back to the ‘present’ story line, there’s going to be more of a switch to Shane’s POV, so I thought this might be a nice way to bring that transition into the story. (Plus I really hate writing first person, so I'll be leaving it at third person when the original story line continues).
> 
> The main story line will resume after these Shane chapters, picking back up with chapter 33 and continuing from there. I’ll let you know again when that will happen so you will all be aware.
> 
> There are roughly 30 Shane chapters, so definitely a good chunk before the main story line picks up again.
> 
> All righty-oh. That’s it. Enjoy! Hope you like the Shane chapters! See ya’ll on the other side!

“This sucks,” Alex muttered.

Shane nodded, his arms crossed. “If Kent had it his way, we’d all be enlisting in the army right now.”

Alex snorted. “They’d probably turn you all away. Too pathetic for the army.”

“I’d have a better chance than you.”

“I think I could hold my own.”

Shane smirked. “I’d like to see that.”

Alex crossed his arms, too. He leaned against the wall. “None of this should be happening.”

“Mhm.” He could really go for a beer right now.

They watched the screen as the announcer began to pull the numbers.

“Fifty-nine.”

The third day of fall. There was a quiet sigh of relief. One down. Three to go.

“Twenty-one.”

The twenty-first day of spring. Another safe spot for the people of Stardew.

“One hundred eleven.” 

The twenty-seventh day of winter. One number left.

“Forty-one.”

The thirteenth day of summer.

Alex’s birthday.

Shane met Alex’s hard gaze.

“That’s me,” Alex muttered.

Shane turned away and watched Kate on the couch. Penny knelt before her, taking her hands as she processed what just happened. Kent approached Alex, too eagerly.

“Hope you’re braver than you look, football boy,” he said.

Alex narrowed his eyes at Kent.

“Alex can take care of himself,” Shane muttered. He just wanted Kent to stay away from them. He wasn’t the same since he got back. He had seemed to lose all compassion.

“I hope so,” Kent said. “”Cuz I can’t be dragging his ass around out there.”

“You’re going back?” Shane questioned.

The room fell silent.

“Alex won’t be alone out there,” Kent said, breaking the eerie silence. “I’m going with him.”

“What are you talking about?” Jodi’s voice boomed through the room. “You just got back.”

“I’ve been home for over a year,” he said to her. “They need my help. Our help. It is our duty to serve our home.”

“Have you forgotten what it’s like out there? Have you forgotten about your nightmares?”

“I can’t be here any more, Jodi.”

“I’m going, too.” Sam stood beside his mother.

“No!” Jodi shrieked. “You can’t take my son!”

Kent was quiet. “You don’t need to come,” he said softly.

“I want to come, Dad. I want to help.”

“You will stay here with your mother.”

“You can’t make me stay,” Sam insisted.

“You weren’t chosen in the draft.”

“And neither were you.”

“I’m already a part of this. Do not argue with me. You don’t know what it’s like. I’m prepared to handle it.”

“Don’t go, Sam,” Vincent cried.

Shane watched as Kate stood and hurried for the door. His heart sank for her, losing Alex to a war no one wanted to be a part of. He turned to Alex, but he was already chasing her outside.


	34. Shane (4)

“Are you leaving, Shane?” Jas looked up at him, worry on her little face.

Shane smiled and bent down to her level. “Nah. I’m not going anywhere.”

“What about Aunt Marnie?”

He shook his head. “Nope. Don’t you worry about a thing.”

“Let’s go, people,” Lewis said to them, shooing them like animals.

Shane took Jas’s hand. “Come on, let’s go home.”

“Is Vincent’s dad leaving again?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so.”

Jas let go of his hand and kicked a stone. She chased after it and kicked again.

“Vincent’s gonna be sad again.”

“I guess you’ll have be a good friend for him.”

“Vincent is my best friend.”

“Oh yeah? He doesn’t have cooties?” Shane picked up Jas and gave her a raspberry. She giggled and kicked in his arms.

“Ew, Shane, stop it. You have cooties.”

Shane put her down and watched her run towards the chicken coop.

“All boys have cooties,” Shane called after her. “Remember that.” He hesitated. “Girls, too. Stay away from everyone.”

“Shane!” Jas whined from inside the yard. “You’re being silly. I’m gonna get married just like Jodi and Kent.”

Shane leaned on the fence. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Because I want to.”

“Aunt Marnie isn’t married,” Shane pointed out.

Jas giggled and skipped to the fence. She beckoned Shane closer with her finger and whispered in his ear. “Aunt Marnie has a secret boyfriend.”

Shane straightened, his brows knit together and his nose scrunched. “What?”

She giggled and skipped away.

“Who?” Shane pressed.

“It’s a secret, Shane. I can’t say.” She zipped her lips closed.

Shane crossed his arms. Surely she was just being imaginative. 

Jas met his gaze and smiled. “It’s okay to have secrets,” she assured him. “Everyone does.”

 

*****

 

Alex was sitting at the bar when Shane wandered in, anxious for a drink. He slid in next to Alex and Gus slid him his usual.

“Didn’t think you were a drinker,” Shane said to his glass.

Alex took a swig of his own beer. “Figured now’s a good time to start.”

“You should be home, man.”

“I can’t be home right now.”

“Next week, you’ll be sitting on that bus wishing you never stepped away for a moment.”

“What would you know?”

Shane sighed. “I guess I wouldn’t. I just think you’re being selfish.”

“I’m just having a god damn drink.”

“I never liked selfish Alex. All he did was throw that damn football around.”

“Well, I never liked you.”

Shane raised his glass. “To unlikely friendships, hm?”

Alex rolled his eyes but let his glass tap against Shane’s.

“It’s only because I like Kate.”

Alex smiled. “Yeah. She’s okay.”

“What are you going to do?”

Alex was quiet. “I don’t know.” After a moment, he turned to Shane. “Just stay away from her.”

Shane threw his arms in the air in defense. “Hey, I don’t mess with no married women. Plus she’s got that kid. Not my thing.”

Alex tapped at the counter, signaling for another drink.

“She’ll be okay,” Shane said softly.

Alex nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”

“You, on the other hand…”

“Yeah.” Alex looked into his beer and sighed.

Kent came in and sat himself next to Shane, peering over toward Alex.

“Bus leaves next week, kid,” he said to Alex.

“Fantastic.”

“I’d say I got your back but…” He signaled to Gus for a drink. “I probably won’t be seeing you. You know, you’ll be with the privates and all.”

“Piss off, Kent,” Shane hissed at him.

Kent grabbed his beer, narrowing his eyes at Shane and Alex before throwing some coins onto the counter and pushing himself away from the bar.

“See you on the bus, kid.”

“What an ass,” Shane muttered.

“It’s not his fault,” Alex said with a shrug.

“You’re gonna be even more of an ass when you get back.”

“Well, at least we won’t have to be friends, then.” Alex emptied his glass and stood.

“Next one’s on me,” Shane said, raising his glass as Alex left the saloon. 

Shane found himself looking around the saloon, studying the faces, wondering who Marnie’s secret boyfriend could be. Gus? Clint? Willy? Lewis? He made a face to his beer. Maybe he didn’t want to know.


	35. Shane (6&7)

“I’m going to miss it all,” Alex said softly. He leaned against the fence, watching Kate play with Jak, bouncing him on her lap.

Shane shrugged. “It’s only for a year.”

“Yeah,” Alex muttered. “That’s how it starts. Next thing you know, you’ve been stuck in some war for years and your son doesn’t even know who you are.”

“Assuming you even make it out alive.”

“Thanks for the reality check.”

Kate looked to the two men, who were watching her, and smiled.

“Don’t worry,” Shane assured him. “Kate will find herself a real man.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Well, she sure won’t find that here.”

Shane laughed. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Kate turned away from Penny and met his gaze.

"Guess I’ll just have to come back.”

Shane turned around and looked over the town. “Good luck with that.”

Kate was at Alex’s side, taking his hand and pulling him away.

“What? What are we doing?”

“Just come on,” she said, flashing him a flirtatious smile.

“Oh,” Shane said. “Bye. Have fun.” He winked at Alex as Kate dragged him down the road.

Shane turned bak to the park, watching Jas and Vincent play. Penny cooed to Jak on the bench. The baby giggled happily in her arms.

*****

“Coffee?” Marnie asked as Shane trudged out of his bedroom. 

He grunted in response, sitting at the table and rubbing his face. He had stayed later at the saloon than he planned on, and he was paying the consequence. He yawned loudly as Marnie put a mug in front of him. She sat across him, sipping from her cup, watching him.

“How you doing?” she asked, looking into her mug.

“Tired.”

“That must be it,” she said with a hint of careful sarcasm in her voice.

“It must?”

“Nothing to do with being hung over.” She smirked to him.

Shane grunted and sipped from his coffee. “Nope. Just tired.”

“Get home earlier next time.”

“Okay, Mom.”

“Jas looks for you.”

Shane sighed. “I was just at the bar with Alex.”

“He’s leaving soon.”

“Yup.”

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because Alex is leaving.”

Shane shrugged. “People come and go.”

“I thought you guys were friends.”

“He’s kind of an ass.”

Marnie sighed. “You are, too, sometimes.”

“Guess that’s why we’re friends. We get each other.”

“You’re gonna miss him.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Stop.”

“What?”

“This thing that you do.”

“What thing?”

“I’m not your little girl friend. I’m not gonna eat ice cream and watch chick-flicks with you.”

Marnie cocked her head to the side. “Is that what you think we do?”

“Talk about your feelings. Gossip. Look at naked guys in magazines. Pillow fights.”

“I’m sorry, Shane,” Marnie began, standing. “I know you’re going through a hard time with this. I just thought you might want to share your feelings and then we could do some online shopping and try on some shoes.”

“You’re mocking me.”

She smiled and put her mug in the sink. “Whatever you say, tough guy.”

 

*****

 

Shane was at the saloon early that night, anxious to get away from Marnie. Every so often, she tried to pry some kind of information from him. Why was he out drunk this time? Why did he lock himself in his room all day? He couldn’t stand it. Sometimes, she was just an overbearing mother figure to him. But, when she wasn’t suffocating him, which wasn’t all that often, she was always understanding and let him be. Today just wasn’t one of those days, and it exhausted him.

Alex slid into his seat at the bar beside Shane.

“Big day tomorrow,” Shane muttered.

Alex didn’t turn to him. “Mhm.”

Gus passed him a beer.

“Are you ready?”

Alex looked to him at the corner of his eyes. “How could I be ready for this? For war? To leave my family?”

Shane was quiet. They drank in silence for a moment.

“They’ll be okay. They’ll be here when you get back.”

“If I come back.”

Shane sighed. “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“Yeah.”

Shane finished off his beer. “Don’t worry about Kate and Jak. They’ve got family here.”

Alex nodded absentmindedly as he stared into his drink. “Make sure she’s okay.”

“Me?” Shane hesitated. “She’s going to be fine.”

“I know.”

“She can take care of herself.”

“I know.” Alex’s voice was harder now. “Just… keep an eye out for her. I guess.” He turned to Shane. “Okay?”

Shane held his gaze for a moment. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Please. If she needs anything…”

“Yeah, man. I told you she has family here.”

“Yeah, I know. But I can’t exactly count on anyone else here to even lift a rock if she needed it.”

Shane shrugged. “I never would have thought you’d ever lift a rock in your life.”

Alex smiled. “I guess that’s true.” He finished his beer, stood and stretched.

“Don’t worry,” Shane said, finishing his. “I’ll lift those rocks if she needs it.”

“I know.”

He stood and shoved his hands in his pockets. “But only until you get back. I don’t do farming. I do enough shoveling chicken shit as it is.”

“Guess I have to come back then, because Yoma forbid you get a little dirty.”

Shane shrugged. He followed Alex out of the saloon. The sun was just setting behind the mountains, casting the little town in a dim, golden light.

“Guess I’ll be back to drinking alone,” Shane said as they walked.

“I’m sure Kate will be around. I know she can hold her own.”

Shane laughed. “She could probably out drink me.”

“I don’t think anyone could out drink you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shane narrowed his eyes at Alex.

Alex shrugged. “It means you’re a big drunk.”

“Uh uh. That’s Pam.”

“Oh. So you’re the alcoholic?”

“Also Pam.”

Alex scoffed.

“You have a problem with me?”

Alex shook his head. “Nah, man. It’s not like you’re an obnoxious drunk like Pam.”

“I’m not a drunk,” Shane muttered.

Alex sighed. “Forget it.”

“You’re just mad that you can’t keep up.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “I really don’t know why I hang out with you.”

“Me neither.”

“Well, I’ll be gone tomorrow, so you can go back to being a loner.”

“This may be the alcohol talking,” Shane started, “but I will miss One Beer Becky.”

“I’m One Beer Becky?”

“Yes. Clever, right? I’m a clever drunk.”

“Becky?”

“’Cuz you drink like a girl.”

“I have got to pick better friends,” Alex muttered.

Shane slapped his shoulder. “Just don’t die.”

“Well, I’ll do my best.”

“Cool. See ya tomorrow.”


	36. Shane (8)

Shane watched from the road as Kent and Alex boarded the bus after saying their goodbyes. Jodi held her composure, holding Vincent in her arms with Sam at her side. She had been through this before. Kate had not. But she held strong, too, rocking Jak gently in her arms as they waved goodbye and the bus disappeared. 

Slowly, the crowd dispersed, but Shane remained, still watching Kate, hesitant. He didn’t know how to help her. How to comfort her. Or even how strong she really could be.

“Guess it’s just you and me,” she said to the baby in her arms. She turned, her gaze meeting his.

“You’re not alone,” Shane said.

Kate sighed. “I know. But the farm’s getting too big for me to do on my own now. It was different a year, two years ago.”

“What can I help with?”

She shook her head. “I don’t need help. I’m fine.”

“You said yourself it’s getting to be too much.”

“No one here can exactly help me with it. They’ve got their own things to tend to.”

“I’m not completely useless when it comes to the animals,” he pointed out.

“You’ve got enough on your plate.”

“C’mon, how hard can it be? You’ve got a good set up over there. Auto feeders. Heaters in the winter. Can’t be too hard. Milk some cows? Collect some eggs?”

“Muck the barn, fill the silo, brush and sheer, troughs need to be cleaned daily. Fences need to be repaired. Hay needs to be cut. And that’s not including the crops, the green house, the house, the kid…”

“Sounds like you need the help, then.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

Shane shrugged. “Kinda. I promised Alex.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t get you two.”

“Hm?”

“I don’t get how you became friends. You guys used to hate each other.”

“I never hated him.”

“You hate everyone.”

Shane pushed himself off the tree. “That’s only partially true.” He smiled.

Shane followed Kate as she walked past him and towards the farm.

“You guys are total opposites.”

“Eh. He became a little more tolerable after you came along.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Plus, we were the only two that didn’t hang out with anyone else. Guess we were the odd ones out. So we kind of had to be friends if we wanted any friends at all.”

Kate laughed. “Didn’t think you cared to have friends.”

“Well, to be honest, I don’t. But turns out he’s a fun drunk. And you’re all right, too.”

“So the plan was to turn him into a drinking friend?”

“A happy accident.”

“Ah.”

“But now I have no drinking buddy.”

Kate was quiet. He was just upsetting her. He pushed forward quickly.

“I’m taking applications for a new one if you’re interested.”

Kate smiled. “I have some good references. You won’t be disappointed.” 

Shane nodded. “Well, you know where to find me. See you tomorrow morning?”

“You really don’t have to.”

“Oh, shut up all ready. I’ll be here as soon as I can.”

Shane watched Kate let herself into the house. He shoved his hands in his pockets and made his way back home, cutting through the farm for a short cut. He looked over the crops as he walked. How hard could it be? It would give him something to do, anyway. Helping Marnie didn’t take much of his time in the mornings, leaving him with nothing to do for the rest of the day. At least this would keep him busy. And he wanted to help Kate. He couldn’t imagine her doing all the work, with a kid in her arms, by herself.

He stopped at the lake, standing alone on the dock. It should have been him that was drafted. What did he have here in Stardew, anyway? Alex had a family. Shane had nothing. It should have been him, not Alex. At least then he wouldn’t be stuck in this town with nothing to live for. At least then he’d have purpose.

Or, at the very least, a way out of this misery.


	37. Shane (9)

Jas jumped onto Shane’s bed and he groaned. He grabbed the pillow and pressed it over his head.

“C'mon, Shane, get up!”

Shane peeked out of the pillow. “Why?”

“Because Aunt Marnie said I could help you feed the chickens.”

He groaned again and looked at the clock. Shit. He was supposed to help Kate, too. His head pounded. He shouldn’t have had that extra beer last night. He threw the covers off of him and sat up, rubbing his face.

“Come on, Shane, you’re so lazy!”

“You’re too energetic. Do you know how early it is?”

Jas giggled. “It’s nine o'clock! I’ve been up all day!”

“Nine?” Shane groaned. “That’s so early.”

“Get dressed, Shane!” Jas ordered him.

“Yes, ma’am.”

She giggled as she left him alone in his room. Shane sighed, dressing quickly and meeting Jas outside in the coop. She had already begun collecting the eggs.

“Did you fill their grain?”

“The bag’s too heavy, Shane.”

“I thought you were super strong?”

“Not as strong as you.”

“Nah, I’m not that strong.”

“You have to be, your a boy!”

“Girl’s can be strong, too.”

“Shane,” Jas whined.

“You just don’t want to do it.”

“Not true!”

Shane smiled as he ripped open the bag and poured it into the feeder.

“You got the rest?” he said, dusting his hands off on his pants. “I have to go help Kate, too.”

“Can I come?” Jas asked excitedly. “I want to help!”

“Maybe tomorrow. You have to get to your class.”

“Miss Penny let’s us help.”

“Well, then, maybe Miss Penny will bring you.”

He left Jas alone in the coop as she entertained herself with the chickens. It was almost ten when Shane showed up at the farm. Kate was headed to the barn when Shane caught up to her. He hopped over the fence.

“Figured you had backed out,” Kate said.

“Sorry,” he grumbled. “I’ll get up earlier tomorrow.”

“Forget it,” she said. “See? I’ve got this. Just need to take care of the animals in the barn and the fences.”

“That will take you all day.”

“Well, that’s the life I signed up for.”

“What about Jak?”

“Penny’s at the house.”

“So, she’s going to take care of him all day? You’ll hardly see him.”

“Well, I have to make sacrifices to provide for my son.”

Shane rolled his eyes and grabbed the pails. Kate followed him into the barn where he proceeded to milk the cows. Without a word, Kate milked the goats.

“So, what’s the plan after this?” Shane asked.

“The barn needs to be mucked. The sheep sheered. Fences need to be fixed.”

“Hay needs to be cut,” Shane continued.

“Moose’s stall needs to be cleaned.”

“Troughs need to be filled.”

Kate stretched her back. “Sounds about right.”

“I’ll take care of the fences,” Shane said. “I brought my tools.”

“I have plenty of tools here.”

“But they’re not my tools.”

Kate rolled my eyes. “I’ll take care of the rest of the barn.”

“Then on to hay?”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

“Can it wait until tomorrow?”

“If there’s time, why wait?”

“Because you’re doing way too much.”

She sighed. “It keeps my mind busy.”

“I get that.”

They continued to work without conversation, neither bothered by the silence. When Shane finished, he left the pails by the door, tipped an imaginary hat in in Kate’s direction, and headed outside with tools in hand. He got to work right away on the broken fences, taking apart the old, rotted wood, and banging in the new pieces into place. He balanced the nails between his lips carefully as he hammered the wood together. The sun climbed higher in the sky, warming the Earth quickly. Before long, Shane had pulled his shirt off and wiped his face against it. His hands were dirty and rough from the wood. Little slivers pinched at his palms.

He was just finishing with the last fence when Penny arrived. Kate had somehow managed to sneak passed him as he worked. Jas and Vincent were with Penny. Shane gathered his tools and made his way toward them.

“Will you put your damn shirt on?” Kate growled. 

Shane smiled and shimmied into his dirtied shirt.

“Are you done with the fences?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Are you done for the day?” Penny asked.

Kate turned to Shane. “Whatever Shane feels up to, I guess.”

Shane shrugged. “Not up to me.”

“All that’s left is the hay.”

“That will take well into the night,” Shane said to her. “It can wait until tomorrow. There will be more time.”

“I can do it myself. You can go home.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “I’m not going home until you call it quits for the day.” He took Jak from Penny and pushed him into Kate’s arms.

“Spend some time with your freaking kid for once.”

“Yeah,” she muttered. “Okay.”

“See you in the a.m. then,” Shane said. He tipped his invisible hat once more to Kate, then to Penny, before turning to Jas.

“Let’s go, kid,” he said to her.

“Piggyback!” Jas shouted, chasing him across the farm. Shane ran ahead playfully before squatting on the ground. Jas jumped onto his back and they turned back to wave.


	38. Shane (10)

“C'mon, Jas, get up!” Shane pulled the covers off of her.

Jas groaned. “Shane, stop it!”

“You’re coming with me to the farm, remember?”

“I’m sick.”

“You must be,” he said, feeling her forehead. “You’re always up before me.”

Jas nodded sheepishly and buried her face into her pillow.

Shane stood. “All right, I’ll just have to tell Miss Penny. You’ll probably have extra homework to do, too.”

“Ugh.” Jas hopped out of bed. “I guess I’m okay enough to go.”

Shane smiled. “That’s what I thought.”

Shane waited patiently as Jas got dressed. Marnie came in from the chicken coop.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” she said casually. “Off to Kate’s?”

Shane crossed his arms. “Maybe.”

“If only I could get you to help out here like you do over there.”

“Uh uh,” Shane said. “I help you every day. Don’t pull that on me.”

“Maybe,” she started. “But now you hurry through everything to get to Kate’s.”

“I’ve got a lot on my plate now. No time to screw around.”

“She’ll make a farmer out of you yet.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“C’mon, Shane!” Jas hurried out of her room. “We can’t be late!”

“Real sick,” he muttered.

“I heard that,” she hot over her shoulder as she headed for the door.

Jas lead him excitedly across Kate’s farm until she was at the door, knocking quickly. She opened the door and hurried inside. Shane trotted after her, catching the door before it slammed shut. Inside, Penny was with Kate.

“We gonna do this thing or what?” he said to Kate.

Jas skipped up to Penny. She stood on her tip toes and peered at Jak, cooing to him and making silly faces.

“Where’s Vincent?” Penny asked Jas.

Jas shrugged. “Late like always.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s usually late?”

Jas crossed her arms. “Shane doesn’t let me be late any more.”

Kate met Shane’s gaze and smiled. “Cow’s aren’t gonna milk themselves,” he said.

Kate kissed Jak and followed Shane outside.

“You’re in a weirdly good mood,” she commented as she followed Shane to the barn.

“I brought you something,” he said. He tossed a box of frozen pizza at her.

Kate raised an eyebrow. “Frozen pizza?”

He leaned in and whispered. “I’ve got a stash I stole before JoJa Mart closed.”

“You are a wonderful role model to Jas,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“C’mon, everyone likes pizza.”

“Pizza and beer after a hard day on the farm. Doesn’t sound too bad.”

Shane’s eyes lit up. “Wow. Yes. You’re perfect.”

Kate hesitated. “I should… put this in the freezer.”

Shane cleared his throat and shrugged. “Yeah. Whatever.”

“Pizza and beer later.”

“Whatever.”

“Don’t try to cover up that ridiculous excitement. You’re not the grump you pretend to be. And now I know you’re secret.”

He shrugged again. “Don’t be lying to me woman. I want pizza and beer later.”


	39. Shane (11)

Jas and Shane sat at the table as Kate took the pizza out of the oven. She brought them each a slice and handed Shane his much awaited beer.

“Aunt Marnie never lets me have pizza,” Jas said as she eagerly accepted the pizza.

“That’s probably because she’s sick of seeing so much of it in the house,” Kate said, narrowing her eyes at Shane.

Shane shrugged and smiled as he cracked open the beer.

Jas peered at Shane’s bottle. “What’s that? Can I have that?”

Shane shot a disapproving glance at Jas. “No. This is for adults.”

She scrunched her nose. “It looks like pee.”

“Tastes like it, too,” Kate said, sitting across from Shane.

“Why would you drink that?”

Shane shoved his slice of pizza in his mouth. “’Cuz I like it.”

“Eww.”

Jak began to cry quietly in the other room. Jas jumped from her seat.

“Can I go check on him?” she asked.

Jas trotted into Jak’s room and cooed to him.

Shane stared at his beer disapprovingly as he chewed. “I don’t usually drink in front of her,” he mumbled between bites.

Kate shrugged. “She’ll forget about it tomorrow.”

Shane didn’t say anything. He wasn’t so sure. Jas was too smart for her own good sometimes. She would find some way, innocently enough, to make him feel bad about it. He leaned back in his chair and looked towards Jak’s bedroom, waiting for Jas to return. After a moment, he turned back to Kate and raised an eyebrow. “Where’s your beer? Thought you were looking forward to pizza and beer.”

Kate shrugged. “Do you like seafood?” She opened her mouth, revealing chewed pizza.

Shane’s eyes widened for a moment before he burst into laughter. He took a sip of his beer. “You are so weird.”

“Yup. I am well aware of that.”

Shane narrowed his eyes at Kate.

“What?”

He shook his head. “Just never expected you to be weird.”

“I prefer unique.”

Shane laughed again. “Not a side I’m used to seeing,” he said with a shrug.

“I work hard to give the impression that I’m a normal, put together, functioning adult. Otherwise, no one would take me seriously. Especially with this big farm.”

Shane nodded as he looked at his beer. “Well, I like weird Kate, too.”

“Thanks.”

 

*****

 

Marnie and Lewis stood outside the house when Shane and Jas got back. He hesitated, but Jas trotted up to Lewis happily. “Hi, Mayor Lewis!”

“Well, hey there, Jas,” he said to her, then turned to Shane. “Shane,” he said in greeting.

“Checking up on things?” Shane said, crossing his arms.

Lewis exchanged a glance with Marnie. “Yes.”

“Ah. Well, isn’t that nice?”

“Jas, go inside,” Marnie said quietly. “Get to bed.”

Jas obeyed, hurrying inside.

“Shane, I’m just making sure Marnie has everything she needs.”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Shane,” Marnie warned.

“Just keep it elsewhere. I don’t want Jas to see this.”

Lewis turned to Marnie. “I should go.” He glared at Shane before leaving them alone.

“This isn’t your business,” Marnie snarled at Shane.

“You’re right, it’s not. So keep it out of my face.” He pushed passed her and into the house. Jas waited in the kitchen.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” Shane said to her.

“Yes.” Jas hesitated. “Don’t be mad at Aunt Marnie.”

“Go to bed,” Shane said sternly.

She frowned, looking to her feet, before she left the kitchen. “Night, Shane.”

Shane sighed. “Night, Jas.” He listened for the door to close before he went into his own room, locking the door behind him.

 

*****

 

Shane and Kate finished the chores early the next morning. Shane dusted his hands off on his pants. “What’s up for the rest of the day?”

“I’m taking Jak to visit his great grandparents,” Kate said.

“Ah.” Shane was quiet.

“What are you going to do?”

He shrugged. “Uh. Make a pizza, I guess.”

“That’s it?”

“I’ve been kind of… trying to avoid Marnie.”

“Why?”

He hesitated and wrinkled his nose. “I saw her with Lewis.”

Kate pinched her lips together but said nothing. She knew something.

“Did you know about them?”

She nodded.

“And you didn’t think to tell me?”

“Well, it’s really none of your business,” she said. “Plus, they asked me not to say anything.”

“Ugh.” He felt disgusted at the thought of them together.

“C’mon, what do you care? It’s cute.”

Shane shook his head and turned away. “See ya tomorrow,” he mumbled.


	40. Shane (12)

“Guess you’ll be working extra hard on Kate’s farm now?” Marnie asked as Shane came in from the chicken coop.

“Why?”

“She didn’t tell you?”

Shane raised an eyebrow.

“She’s pregnant.”

“Pregnant?” She couldn’t be pregnant. He slunk into the chair.

“Mhm.”

“She can’t be pregnant,” he muttered. “Christ.”

Marnie sat across from him. “Well. She is. All you can do is be there for her. She’s going to need your help now more than ever.”

Shane stared at his hands and nodded. How quickly he had seemed to forget about Alex, and suddenly he was back in his mind, in the form of his unborn child. He had just started to enjoy his routine with Kate, and now there was another child involved. He didn’t know how he could help her through this, alone. There had to be something more he could do. He sighed and pushed himself away from the table, leaving Marnie alone as he made his way to Kate’s.

Kate was already pulling the weeds when he got there.

“You’re pregnant?”

He stood over her, but she ignored him. He pulled at her arm, pulling her to her feet and looked at her hard.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s none of your business,” she hissed.

Shane’s eyes narrowed. “Did you really think you could keep that a secret around here? Sooner or later you’ll start to show. No way farm work is making you fat.”

“This isn’t your business.”

“It is damn my business. You can’t be working like this if you’re pregnant.”

Kate pulled her arm away. “This is my farm and my responsibility.”

“You have a responsibility to your unborn child.”

She turned away. “I’m only a few weeks along. I can keep working.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” His voice was softer now.

Kate met his gaze. “Because I don’t want to be treated like I’m helpless.”

“No one’s treating you like your helpless. We’re looking out for you. You cannot put your body through this kind of stress. It’s not good for you or the baby.”

“And who named you Dr. Shane?”

Shane’s brows knit together. “I’m being serious, Kate. I made a promise to Alex, and I’m pretty sure that includes his unborn child.”

“You’re not responsible for me.”

“Well, someone has to be, because you won’t be responsible for yourself.”

“I don’t need this right now,” She grumbled. 

“Well, get the hell over it. For now on, what I say goes.”

She crossed her arms. “It doesn’t work like that, Shane. You don’t run this place.”

“I do now.”

“This isn’t your farm.”

Shane sat on the fence. “Mine.” He spread his arms. “All this is mine for the next nine months.”

Kate’s face twisted into laughter.

“You think this is funny?”

“This is hilarious, actually. My husband is off in a losing war, I’m pregnant with his second kid, alone on this big huge farm, and you want to take on all the shit shoveling duties around here.”

“I’d say it’s more ironic than funny. Actually, a pretty shitty situation. No pun intended.”

Kate was quiet, looking at her stomach. “I don’t want to sit around with nothing to do,” she said. “This farm is all I have right now.” She hesitated. “I can’t even bring myself to look at my own son sometimes. He looks too much like Alex.” When Shane didn’t say anything, she continued. “It’s just hard. You know?”

Shane looked at his feet. “Yeah. No. Kinda. I can only imagine how you feel right now.”

“I’m scared. I’m scared shitless.”

“I don’t blame you.” He pushed himself off the fence and smiled. “At least let me help you. You know, with the heavy lifting. I’ll leave the baby stuff up to Dr. Harvey. But as soon as he says to stop, you stop. Promise?”

Kate nodded. “I promise.”


	41. Shane (13)

Shane tinkered with the sprinklers around the corn stalks. It twitched and sputtered as he attempted to fix it so it would continue it’s rotation. He grumbled under his breath as it finally caught and sprayed in his face. He stood, dried his face with his sleeve, and watched the sprinkler continue its rotation, watering the corn stalks around it. Satisfied, he looked up, but Kate was gone. His heart raced as he sensed something was amiss.

He hurried to the house, listening as she fumbled behind the bathroom door. Pill bottles clattered onto the floor. He leaned against the door, hesitant.

“Are you okay?” 

“Yes,” she called through the door. She opened the door and smiled at him. “I’m fine. I promise.”

“All right,” he said hesitantly. “But please tell me if you’re getting tired.”

“Nope, I’m good.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to see Dr. Harvey?”

“It’s just a little back pain from the milking earlier. I’m fine. Really.”

“Did he say anything? Can you keep working?”

“Yes,” she muttered, pushing past him. “I promise I will stop when he tells me to.”

Shane wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t press any further, afraid to upset her. He followed her back outside where they finished the rest of the chores for the day.

“You need to see Harvey,” Shane said as he walked Kate back to the house.

“I said I’m fine, Shane. You don’t need to worry.”

“Well, I do. Please just go. What does it hurt?”

She sighed. “Fine.”

“C’mon.” Shane took her wrist, leading her away from the house and into town. He pushed her into the office where they were greeted by Maru.

“Starting to show,” she said happily, indicating to Kate’s belly.

“She has back pain,” Shane said, pushing Kate further into the office.

“It’s nothing,” she mumbled.

Dr. Harvey stood in the doorway. “Back pain?”

Shane nodded.

“I’m fine,” Kate said. “Really. He’s overreacting.”

“Well, it doesn’t hurt to be cautious, hm? Let’s take a look.”

Kate glared at Shane over her shoulder as she followed Dr. Harvey and disappeared around the corner. 

Shane sat, crossed his arms, and waited.

“You’re sweet to look out for her,” Maru said. She leaned against the desk and smiled.

“Hmph.”

“She works too hard on that farm,” Maru continued.

“Yup.”

“Oh, come on, don’t be a grouch.”

“I’m not.”

“You don’t have to worry. She’s in good hands.”

“I have to worry,” Shane said. “My life depends on it. Alex would kill me if something happened.”

Maru laughed. “Yeah. That’s it.”

Shane raised an eyebrow, but Kate returned. Shane stood, but she pushed passed him and outside.

“What did he say?” Shane asked, hurrying to catch up with her.

“He said I’m fine. Just like I said.”

“Did he do some kind of test?”

“No. I don’t need a test. I’m fine.”

Shane knit his brows together in concern. “How can he know that? What did he say? Do you need to stop working?”

“He said I’m fine, Shane. Relax. Go get a damn drink or something.” She continued on her way back to the farm, but Shane did not follow her. He stood in the square, watching as she disappeared. He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away from the road, walking through town towards home.

Marnie sipped her afternoon coffee at the kitchen table when Shane entered. He fell into the chair across from her and sighed.

“Uh oh,” she said. “What’s the matter now?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled.

“C’mon, Shane. You’re such a guy. What’s on your mind?”

He slouched in his seat and studied the grains in the wood of the table.

“I think Kate’s lying to me.”

Marnie raised an eyebrow. “About what?”

“She’s working too hard. She’s not taking care of herself or the baby. She’s in pain but she won’t let me help her.”

Marnie sighed. “What does Dr. Harvey say?”

Shane shrugged. “I don’t know. She said he told her she was fine to keep working. But I think she’s lying.”

“Maybe you could talk to him.”

Shane shook his head. “I can’t go behind her back like that.”

“You’re just looking out for her. If she’s putting herself into a dangerous situation, you need to help her.”

“I didn’t sign up for this.”

“But you did.”

Shane sighed. “I know.” He hesitated. “She just worries me. I don’t know how I can help her.”

“You’re doing everything you can.”

“I wish I could do more.”


	42. Shane (14)

Shane watched Kate closely the next day as they worked on the farm. Her face was pale and she seemed slower than usual, but she made every attempt to assure Shane she was okay. But Shane didn’t buy it for a second. Just as they were finishing up on the farm, Kate fell to her knees, panting. Shane hurried to her and pulled her to her feet. He pushed her into the house where she collapsed onto the couch,

“You need to see Harvey,” Shane said fiercely. 

Kate shook her head, but she was sweating. “I’m fine. I just did a little too much today. Have this cold coming, too, I think. I just need to rest.”

“Do you still have the pain?”

“No.” She met his gaze and smiled weakly. “I just need a nap. Jak has Penny. I’ll be fine. Couple of hours.”

Shane hesitated. He wanted to trust her, but something wasn’t right. “All right,” he said slowly. “Fine. But I’m coming to check on you later.”

“Whatever makes you feel better, man.”

Shane pinched his lips together and headed for the door. He looked over his shoulder at her one last time before he closed the door behind him.

*****

 

Shane slid into his usual seat at the bar that afternoon. He couldn’t be home any longer. Lewis had been there for hours, flirting quietly with Marnie, and Shane couldn’t stand to be around it.

“How’s farm life treating you?” Gus asked Shane as he absentmindedly cleaned a glass.

“Not what I signed up for.”

“Too much manual labor for you? Watch it, you can’t get shown up by a girl.”

Shane smiled. “She’s got a good handle on things.” He took a sip of his beer. “I don’t mind, though. Beats sitting around the house all day, listening to Lewis and Marnie giggle like teenagers.”

Gus raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh?”

“Don’t make me talk about it.”

Gus nodded. “Please don’t.”

Shane felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He fished through it, pulling it out. Kate’s name flashed on the screen. His stomach twisted nervously.

“Kate?”

The line was quiet.

“Kate? Are you okay?”

Shane strained to listen. There was shallow breathing. A groan. A loud clatter, as if the phone had dropped to the floor. Something was wrong. Shane’s heart raced. He met Gus’s gaze.

“I gotta go,” he said, shoving the phone in his pocket and pushing himself away from the bar. He ran outside into the warm night air and towards the farm, passing Lewis and Penny on the way.

“Shane,” Lewis started. “Listen.”

“Something’s wrong with Kate,” Shane panted, slowing only for a second. Lewis and Penny did not hesitate, falling hot on his heels as they ran through the night.

“Kate?” Shane banged on the door. Dusty barked erratically from inside. Shane pushed the door open. The room was dark. Kate lay on the floor, clutching at her stomach, blood pooling around her. Shane stared horrified at the sight, frozen.

“We need to get her to Dr. Harvey,” Lewis said.

“I’ll tell him you’re on your way,” Penny said quickly.

Shane forced himself to approach Kate. He let his hands run across her face and to her neck where her blood pulsed beneath his fingers. He let out a small sigh of relief and wrapped his arms around her.

“C'mon, Kate, I’ve got ya.” He lifted her off the ground carefully and carried her outside. She groaned in his arms, coming to for a moment. Penny was on the phone, talking frantically to Dr. Harvey. Lewis was at Shane’s side, looking over Kate quietly.

“Well, what on Earth happened to you?” he said in his usual way - an attempt to lighten the grim situation at hand. But this time, his voice shook. Panicked.

Shane tightened his hold on Kate, pulling her as close to him as he could as they hurried down the road. Dr. Harvey was running towards them already.

“What happened?” He searched frantically for Kate’s pulse. He pressed against her stomach carefully, but Kate screamed in pain.

Shane winced and tried to comfort her. “You’re okay,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”

“Shane, what happened?”

Shane hesitated as he recalled the blood on the floor. “There was blood everywhere…"

“Get her inside.”

Lewis held the door open and Shane carried her into Harvey’s office, laying Kate carefully on one of the beds, already prepped by Maru. She stood off to the side as they entered, worry on her face.

Harvey hurried in after them, already in his scrubs.

“What are you going to do?” Shane asked, his voice shaking.

“I have to get this baby out of her.”

“You can’t,” Shane said, panicked. “It’s too early.”

“Out!” Harvey hollered at them. “I’ve go this, Shane. I will do everything I can to save them both.”

Maru pushed them quickly out of the room, closing the door behind them. Shane stared dumbly at the door. Lewis’s hand was on his shoulder.

“Come on, Shane. There’s nothing we can do now except wait.”

Waiting. That was the worst part. Shane hesitated, but turned and followed Lewis into the waiting room. He sat down and rubbed his face with his palms as Kate’s body flashed through his mind, over and over.

“Jak.” He was at the house, alone. Someone needed to be there for him.

“Penny is there now,” Lewis said, sitting beside him. 

Shane nodded and leaned his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling. 

“You could be here all night, Shane.”

He nodded again.

Lewis hesitated. He let his hand rest on Shane’s shoulder before he stood up. “Keep us posted,” he said. “I’ll have Gus keep the bar open for ya.”

 

*****

 

Shane drifted in and out of an uneasy sleep as he waited. The hours passed without any word from Maru or Harvey. His stomach twisted as he lay across the couch, staring at the white walls around him. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Harvey entered. His face was distraught as Shane jumped up from the couch. His heart raced in his chest. He prayed to Yoba that Kate was still alive. Let her be alive.

“She’s okay,” Harvey said, his voice hoarse. “She’s been resting for the last couple of hours. You can see her if you want.”

Shane hesitated. “What about the baby?”

Harvey shook his head and looked to the ground. “I couldn’t save her.”

Her.

Shane’s stomach twisted sickeningly.

“Kate would have died if I didn’t take her out. I couldn’t save them both…”

“You made the right choice,” Shane muttered. 

Harvey cleared his throat. “I need to check on her.”

Shane followed Harvey into Kate’s room. He hesitated outside the door before poking his head around the corner.

“I want to keep her until the morning,” Dr. Harvey said to him. “You can go home, Shane.”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll stay. Kinda promised Alex, anyway.”

Dr. Harvey didn’t bother to argue. He left them alone in the room. Shane made himself comfortable in the chair beside the bed, kicking his legs up on the arm of the chair. He looked her over carefully, quickly trying to gather his composure.

“You don’t have to stay,” Kate said, her voice soft.

Shane shrugged. “It’s either here or drink at the bar.”

“It’s one in the morning.”

“Yup. And Gus has it running all night tonight.”

“Why?”

“Well, guess everyone was just pretty shook up about what happened. They’ve been waiting for updates.”

“Oh.”

“You know how it goes. Small town.”

“Mhm.”

Shan was quiet. “They care. Want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah.”

He hesitated. “I can go update them now.” He started to get up.

“Can you stay?”

He paused. “Mhm. Course.” He sat back down.

Kate was quiet. Shane continued to watch her carefully.

“I would have named her Clara,” Kate finally said.

Shane nodded and swallowed at the lump that had stubbornly formed in his throat. "Clara. Good name. I bet Clara would have looked just like you.”

“She has Alex’s eyes.”

“Hopefully not his attitude.”

 

***** 

 

Gus pulled his phone out of his pocket. A text from Shane.

“This one’s on me, people,” he said with a heavy sigh. “To baby Clara.”

The glasses raised around the room.

“To baby Clara.”


	43. Shane (15)

It had been days since Shane heard from Kate. He guided her home the morning she was released from Harvey’s, but she hardly said a word to anyone. He was afraid to leave her alone, but she just sat at the couch and stared at the wall. He tried to give her space, coming by the farm in the morning to tend to the animals by himself. But when she made no effort to talk to anyone, Shane decided enough was enough.

He leaned against the door and knocked, but Kate did not answer. He strained to listen, but no sounds came from inside.

“Kate? Kate. C'mon, Kate.”

He twisted the knob, but it was locked.

“Kate… Kate, C'mon. Open the door…”

There was no answer. Dusty did not bark. Jak did not cry. Silent.

Shane leaned his back against the door and slid down, rubbing his face in his hands. Kate had shut herself out of the world. His heart raced in his chest. What if something was wrong? He had to do something for her. He had to help her.

He found himself in Dr. Harvey’s office. He was the only one that could help Kate. She was in a dark place and there was nothing Shane could do for her.

“She needs help,” Shane muttered.

“I’ve done all I can do to help her,” Harvey said, not looking up from his paperwork.

“She doesn’t come out of that house. No one has seen her in weeks. There has to be something you can do.”

Dr. Harvey looked him over carefully. “She’ll pull through this.” He turned back to his papers.

“I’m not so sure.”

Dr. Harvey stood, his brows knit together. “What do you want me to do, Shane? Load her up on pills? That won’t help her. I won’t do that to her. It will only mask the problem.”

“It will help her.”

He shook his head. His forehead creased with worry. “She’s not in a good place. Drugs… they’re too strong. I wouldn’t want them in her possession. I won’t risk it.”

“That’s your go to excuse for everything,” Shane muttered.

Dr. Harvey narrowed his eyes. “Why? Because I wouldn’t give you, a depressed alcoholic, any? Because I don’t trust you not to fuck up? I’m a doctor. I do what is in the best interest for my patients. Drugs are not in anyone’s best interest right now. Not hers, and certainly not yours.”

Shane’s stomach twisted. He looked away, feeling ashamed. “This isn’t about me. This is about Kate.”

Dr. Harvey shook his head. “I don’t trust you, Shane. All it takes is one bad night. You know that as well as I do. One night of drinking, one night of too many pills. There’s been enough death and drama here. I won’t put up with any more.”

Shane could feel his chest tighten. A mixture of shame and helplessness. He just wanted to help her. To see her smile again. “So I’m supposed to just sit here and watch her suffer?” he hissed. “She will destroy herself.”

“She has an entire community to help her. I’m confident she will pull through this. She’s a tough girl. She just needs time.”

Shane turned, defeated, and headed for the door.

“You’re in dangerous territory,” Dr. Harvey said to him. “She’s a married woman.”

Shane hesitated before slamming the door shut behind him.

 

*****

 

“Kate?” Shane was at her door again. This time, he was angry. Angry that he couldn’t do anything to help her. “Damnit, Kate,” he growled. “I’m getting you out of here, whether you like it or not.”

He fumbled with the knob and pulled two pins out of his pocket. It had been ages since he picked a lock, but as he fiddled with the lock, it clicked open. He pushed the door open quickly. Miso greeted him, rubbing against his legs and letting out a whine. He followed the cat into the bedroom. Dusty wagged his tail and whined, but did not get up from his spot on the edge of the bed.

“Kate.”

Kate lay on the bed in the darkness. The only movement was from her slow, shallow breathing. Shane sat on the bed and inched towards her. He let his arm wrap around her and pulled her into him. He listened in the darkness to her breathing, but she did not speak. He let his fingers run through her hair, but she did not move. He leaned his head against her and sighed. He lay with her for a long time until the growling of her stomach broke the silence.

Shane stood. He needed to get her up. She needed to eat. He pulled at her arms until she was on her feet, but her knees buckled from under her. Shane caught her as she fell forward and she sobbed into his chest. Shane wrapped his arms around her once more, lifted her off the ground and onto the bed. He held her hands in his and looked into her eyes.

“I brought pizza,” he said, forcing a smile.

When Kate didn’t say anything, he made his way into the kitchen, returning with a glass of water.

“Come on.”

She stared at the glass in his hands.

“Drink that, and the next one will be vodka.”

She took the glass and finished it quickly.

Shane pulled her up once more, letting her steady herself on his arm. He guided her into the bathroom and started the shower.

“In.”

Shane watched as she stared at the running water for a moment, then proceeded to lift off her shirt.

“Woah,” he said, turning away. “Okay. You got this.”

He hurried out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He leaned against the door and stared into the darkness until a knock brought him out of his thoughts. Penny was at the door, her face creased with worry. In her hands, she had a fruit basket.

“Did you get her out?”

“Working on it,” Shane said as he leaned against the door frame.

“Is she okay?”

“She will be.”

Penny handed him the basket. “Not that this fixes anything,” she muttered. “But I figured she could use something fresh.”

Shane nodded and took the basket from her.

“Keep us posted. Let me know if you need any help.”

Shane closed the door as Penny left and set the basket on the table. He sat and waited for Kate to return. When she did, she sat across from Shane, eying the basket carefully.

“Penny brought that for you,” Shane said casually.

Shane watched as she picked at the grapes. He smiled approvingly.


	44. Shane (16)

Shane slept on the couch that night. He wasn’t leaving Kate alone again. She couldn’t be alone. And he didn’t trust her to be alone. Dr. Harvey was right; she was in a dark place. Shane didn’t know if he could drag her out of it. Some nights, he couldn’t even drag himself out of it. But he had to try. For her.

He stared into the darkness, lost in thought for most of the night. The blood on the floor had been cleaned up, but he could still see it there, Kate’s body lying in the corner. It haunted him.

Sleep eluded him for most of the night. But when he was granted a few moments, his sleep was restless and terrifying. The blood. The waiting. The bright lights.

Finally, the morning sun began to light the room. Giving up, he got up from the couch and stretched. He peeked into Jak’s room. He was sleeping soundly, unaware of the loss of his little sister. Unaware of his mother’s suffering. Happy and safe. Shane let his fingers slide across his soft cheeks. He suddenly felt protective of the little boy. Kate had lost too much already. He would do anything to make sure Kate and Jak were safe and happy.

He sighed and pulled himself away. He made his way into the kitchen where he started the coffee. He sipped it quietly at the table, staring at the walls before he made another cup. He heard movement from the bedroom and he prepared a second mug. He forced a smile when Kate entered. She looked like hell. He handed her the mug and she took it eagerly. They sat across from each other at the table.

“You know,” Shane said. “I’ve been keeping up with everything out there. Now, I’m not saying you owe me, but a thank you would be nice.” Shane watched her for a moment. “Listen,” he said matter-of-factly. “If I have to get up and get through each day, you do, too. We’re gonna get through each day, okay?” 

Kate met his gaze and nodded slowly.

“Okay,” he said. He stood and held his hand to her. “At least come check out the farm.”

He waited as Kate gathered her son, then led Kate outside and guided her through the farm. He brought her passed the crops, which he had harvested, and into the barn. He pointed at the trough.

“Look,” he said. He made showed her the spicket above the trough. “It’s connected to the well, like the sprinklers, so you don’t have to worry about frozen hoses this winter.” He straightened and admired his work. “I can’t take all the credit. Gus and Clint helped me with this. Actually, it was Vincent’s and Jas’s idea. Smart, eh?”

Kate’s lips twisted into a small, forced smile.

Shane’s eyes were soft, but he forced a smile in return. “So, you know. Pretty cool. Auto waterers. Did it in the coop, too. With the heater going, you’ll be all set.”

He pulled Kate out of the barn and to the stable. Moose greeted them with a nicker and Shane treated him to a carrot.

“He’s been looking for you,” Shane said as he patted the horse’s nose. He watched as Kate reached for his warm neck, scratching him just under his mane. His ears flicked at the bugs and he sighed happily.

Shane brought her back across the farm towards the house. Kate sat on the front steps and rocked Jak quietly. Shane sat beside me and sighed.

“Well,” he began. “I did what I could around here.” He hesitated.“I wish there was more I could do.” His voice was soft. “For you.”

Shane watched as she focused her attention to her son, running her hand through his hair.

“What do you want me to do?” Shane asked quietly.

Kate was quiet, lost in thought. She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed.

Shane stared at his feet for a moment, then pulled her chin to him, meeting her gaze. He searched his eyes. There was still life in them.

“Just say something,” he whispered.

Kate pulled away. Shane’s heart sank. He looked out over the farm, waiting, until Kate finally spoke.

“Thanks.”


	45. Shane (17)

Winter had arrived quietly but quickly, blanketing the world in white. Shane continued to help with the animals, but their days were much shorter now. Thankfully, there wasn’t as much that needed to be done, allowing Kate, and Shane, a much needed chance to relax from their dramatic fall.

Shane made his way to the farm late one morning. Kate was already outside, sitting on the front steps, watching Jak play in the snow.

“Cold enough for ya?”

Shane sat beside her, rubbing his hands together.

“What are you doing here?”

“What? Don’t want me around now that there’s no work to do? I see how it is.”

She smiled. “No. You know that’s not true.”

“Hmp.” He crossed his arms.

“Shane…” She hesitated.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for all your help around here.”

“Someone’s gotta do it,” he said with a shrug.

She turned to him. “I mean it. With everything that happened…”

He waved his hand at me but did not meet her gaze. “Forget about it.”

She turned her attention back to Jak. “You probably saved my life,” she said softly.

Shane was quiet. He was watching Jak, too. He shrugged. “Nah. Just didn’t feel like explaining to Alex why I didn’t keep a better eye on you.”

Kate rolled her eyes.

“Plus, who would get stuck with Jak? And this farm? I mean, we had a lot riding on your survival.”

“You just can’t be serious, can you?”

Shane met her gaze. “I don’t do well with serious.”

“Well, I’m sorry to have been such a burden on your non-serious lifestyle.”

“Yeah, you should be. I can’t handle all this drama. I’ve got enough of it.”

Kate sighed.

Shane pulled her into his side. “All right. I’m kidding. I’m done.” He kissed her head softly.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s the least I could do. I owed you.”

“You owed me? For what?”

He stood and stretched. “A life for a life, hm?” He turned to her and smiled. “Anyway, I’m freezing my ass off out here. See you later?”

Shane turned away, shoving his hands in his pocket, and made his way back into town. He waved to Jas as she played with Vincent in the snow. They rolled the beginnings of a snowman together. He moseyed his way back home where he warmed his feet at the fireplace, beer in hand. He stared at the flames, jumping when Marnie entered, bringing in the cold winter air behind her.

“Close the door,” he muttered. “We don’t live in a barn.”

Marnie tossed her jacket at him and it landed over his face. He pushed the jacket onto the floor and slouched against the couch.

“Nothing to do today, farmboy?” she asked, sitting beside him. She wiggled her toes at the fire.

“Nope.”

“How’s Kate holding up?”

“She’s okay.”

“Good.” She leaned back and inched closer to him with a sigh.

“How’s Lewis?” Shane asked.

Marnie looked at him carefully but he did not meet her gaze. “Fine,” she said simply, turning back to the fire.

Shane nodded. “I guess you could have picked worse.”

“I’m so glad I have your approval,” she said sarcastically.

“Whatever.”

Marnie was quiet for a moment. “What about you? How are you holding up?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“I don’t think that’s funny, Shane.”

He met Marnie’s gaze. “I’m okay.”

Marnie turned to the fire. “I know things have been tough with Kate and the miscarriage. For both of you.”

Shane winced. The memory still haunted him. At night, he couldn’t help but to wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t been there. He couldn’t imagine his life without her.

“I never would have forgiven myself,” he mumbled.

Marnie leaned against his shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

Shane nodded.

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Marnie straightened and smiled.

“Marnie.” Shane hesitated. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About what?”

“I love her.”

Marnie’s voice was soft. “I know.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me I’m being stupid?”

Marnie got up from the couch and smiled. “It wouldn’t change anything, now, would it?”


	46. Shane (18)

“Don’t let go!” Jas clutched to Shane’s leg as her legs wobbled on the ice in her brand new ice skates.

“You gotta learn for yourself, Jas,” Shane said. He took her hands and pulled her forward. Her face split into a smile as he let go and she drifted across the ice.

“C'mon, Jas,” Sam said as he skated by her. “Catch up!”

“Stop it, Sam! You’re gonna make me fall!”

“Push him over,” Shane said playfully. Sam shot him a glare as he chased the puck across the ice.

“Don’t be jealous, Shane!” Sam yelled over his shoulder as he made a goal.

But Shane’s attention was elsewhere. The town was quiet. Too quiet. Shane watched as a man in uniform made his way to Kate, his face solemn. Shane stood slowly and watched as Kate took dog tags from his hands and fell to her knees. Pam was shouting. Lewis and Penny held her back. Shane’s mind raced. Alex. Something happened to Alex. He hurried to Kate, getting to his knees and pulling her chin to him, meeting her gaze.

“C'mon,” he said softly. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Jak.” Her voice was barely audible.

“Yeah. Let’s get him something to eat. He must be hungry.”

Shane pulled Kate to her feet, letting her balance on his arm. Kate picked up her son and Shane guided her through the square towards the farm.

Inside, Kate put Jak on the floor to play. She slid against the wall onto the floor. Shane sat beside her but didn’t say anything. When she started to cry, he pulled her into his chest. He leaned his head against hers as she cried. He let his hand brush through her hair. The dog tags lay on the floor beside them. Mullner, Alex. Shane felt his throat tighten. He closed his eyes and buried his face against Kate.

Kate eventually pulled away, rubbing her face. She stood up and sighed. Shane stood, watching her closely, waiting.

“You can go now,” she muttered.

“Kate-” His chest tightened.

“Just go!”

Shane didn’t move. He couldn’t leave her alone. He didn’t want to be alone.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’ll go.”

Shane walked passed Kate and out the door. He leaned against the door and rubbed his face with his palms. He needed a drink. Badly.

His vision was a blur as he attempted to navigate his way across the farm and back home. He stumbled in through the door and over to the fridge. He grabbed two beers, opening both before collapsing in the chair. The house was empty. Everyone was outside, enjoying the snow, while Alex was lost in some war zone, probably dead.

He drank the first two beers quickly before he let his head rest against the table. He stared at the wall as his mind raced. He worried for Kate. She had just gotten through the miscarriage. She was finally back to her normal self. She was just going to spiral back into depression again.

Shane just wanted to hold her. Kiss her. Love her. Alex was gone. What if he never came back? Shane could be there for her. She could love him like she loved Alex.

Shane’s stomach knotted. Stupid. Alex was his friend, and he was gone. Shane couldn’t be thinking of being with Kate. It was wrong. But if he never came back…

He got two more beers from the fridge as a battle raged in his mind. His heart ached for Kate. It beat for her. 

But what if Alex never came back?

He could be with her.

And what if he did?

He couldn’t. He didn’t want him to.

Two more beers.

He was on the floor, now, leaning his head against the cold wall. He let the bottles drop and roll across the floor. His head spun and he groaned.

“Shane.”

Marnie knelt before him.

“What the hell, Shane?”

“Alex is gone,” he slurred. “And I don’t want him to come back.”

“Shane…”

“Fucking stupid,” he muttered. “I can’t wish that for Kate.”

“All right,” Marnie said softly. “Come on.”

“I’m gonna be sick.”

“No, no, no!” Marnie yelled, pulling him to his feet. “Not on my floor!”

Shane stumbled into the bathroom and hurled into the toilet.

“What is wrong with me?” he groaned into the toilet.

“You’re a stupid man who has no control over his emotions,” Marnie muttered from the doorway.

“Ugh. I know.” He leaned against the bathroom wall.

Marnie sat next to him and pulled him into her arms. “C’mon,” she coaxed him.

Shane let her pull him into her arms. He blinked in the bright light.

“We all have bad thoughts,” she said quietly. “Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“It’s wrong.”

“It’s okay. I won’t tell.”

Shane sighed and leaned into her, suddenly exhausted. He just wanted to sleep for the rest of his life.


	47. Shane (19)

Shane leaned his head against the door and knocked. When there was no answer, he knocked again. “Kate.” He needed to see her. He needed to be with her.

The door opened.

“Shane?” She blinked in the darkness.

“Got beer?” Shane pushed passed her and into the house.

“What? Uh. Yeah.”

“Gus kicked me out,” he mumbled, taking a beer from the fridge. After embarassing himself in front of Marnie, he tried to hide out at the saloon, but already half in the bag, Gus refused to serve him after his second beer. He wasn’t done drinking. Not until he couldn’t remember that Alex was gone.

“Huh?” Kate switched on a light. “What time is it?”

Shane shrugged. “Like. One. Ish.” He squinted in the light. His eyes were red.

“Are you drunk?”

“Nah.”

“You’re trashed.”

“And why aren’t you?”

“What?”

Shane let the bottle slam down against the table and let his head rest in his hand. He swirled the bottle around, staring at it.

“Do you think he’s dead?”

“Why are you here?” Kate’s voice shook.

Shane was quiet. He had upset her. He wanted to throw himself over a cliff. His eyes turned to her. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t cool.”

“Shane.bWhy are you here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re sad and I have to make it better.”

“Why?”

“Because.” He sighed. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You should go.”

Shane stood and nodded. Yes. She was right. He was stupid to be there. “Yup.”

He walked to the door and paused, his hand on the knob. His eyes met Kate’s. He put his hands on her face. Her cheeks were warm. He pressed his lips against hers, but she jerked back, shocked, and he stumbled forward.

“Shane.”

“Yeah.” He opened the door. He turned and smiled. “Not sorry.”

 

*****

 

“I am so sorry,” he groaned. He buried his face in his hands.

“You were definitely not sorry,” Kate confirmed.

“What?”

She met his gaze. “You said, ‘Not sorry.’”

Shane groaned. “Well, I am.”

She turned away. “No, you’re not.”

Shane pushed himself away from the bar and out into the cold night. He walked away from the saloon, his hands shoved in his pockets, his shoulders hunched in the cold.

“Shane.”

He paused and turned to her. “Wait. Why are you hung over?”

She shrugged. “Being drunk looked like a good idea after you left.”

Shane pinched his lips together and looked up into the night sky.

“Don’t worry about it,” She said. “You were just drunk.”

Shane walked forward, the snow crunching under his feet. 

“It was stupid,” he said as he walked. “I didn’t want to get drunk. Well. Only a little.”

“Why?”

“Because I felt like shit. Why else? Alex is gone. I mean, hell, I just got you out of the house.” He hesitated. “I don’t know. There’s just… a lot on my mind. And now this. I don’t know what to do.”

“Alex could be alive,” she said quietly.

He hesitated. Shane’s voice was soft. “Yeah. He could be.”

“You don’t think he is.”

Shane didn’t say anything. Kate turned away, but he grabbed her hand. 

“Tell me what to say,” he whispered in the dark.

“You’ve said enough,” she muttered under my breath.

“Kate, please. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to believe he’s… gone.”

She was quiet, but Shane held his grip on her wrist. He needed to make things right. He wanted to believe, for her sake. Even if a part of him just wanted to be with her. Her happiness was all that mattered. Even if it was being with Alex.

He let go of her wrist and shoved his hands back into his pockets. He watched her carefully through the falling snow.

“Kate…” He just wanted to tell her he loved her. Maybe it would be enough. Maybe it was all she needed to hear.

“Yes?”

His mouth opened, then snapped shut. He couldn’t do that to her. She held on for Alex. “Shouldn’t you be home with your kid or something?” He trudged through the snow, leaving Kate alone in the cold night.


	48. Shane (21)

Shane made his way to the bar. It was still early in the afternoon. Gus was just opening up, but he didn’t plan on drinking. Not right away, anyway. But he wanted to be somewhere alone. Somewhere other than that house.

Marnie and Lewis stood just outside the bar as he approached. He shoved his hands in his pocket and nodded to Lewis.

“I should get going,” Lewis said carefully to Marnie.

“Don’t leave because of me,” Shane said.

“I’ve got some errands to run, anyway.” He smiled to Marnie before he turned away, leaving them alone.

“You’re not going in to drink, are you?” Marnie said, narrowing her eyes at him.

Shane shook his head. “Just wanted to be alone.”

Marnie’s gaze softened. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.”

“Kate?”

Shane hesitated. “I think I should just keep my distance.”

“You’re not going to help her anymore?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “I can’t expect her to be able to do it all. But,” he sucked in a breath, “it’s getting… hard.”

Marnie said nothing, so Shane continued.

“I want to be there for her. I want to be optimistic for her. But every inch of me just wants him to… I just want her to be happy.”

“And what if he comes back? What if she’s happy with Alex?”

Shane looked at his feet. “I won’t come between them. She deserves to get her husband back.”

“And if he doesn’t come back?”

He heard Jak’s laughter and looked up as the toddler ran towards him. He pulled at his pants and reached towards him. “Up!”

Marnie picked up the boy and brought him to Kate. Shane hesitated, watching Kate take her son, before turning into the saloon for the afternoon.

 

*****

 

Shane left as soon as it started to get busy. He only had one drink this time. He didn’t feel like dealing with Gus’s judging eyes. He made his way back to the house, locking himself in his room with a pizza and losing himself in the mindlessness of the tv. He flipped through the channels as the room darkened and night crept in. He felt a wave of depression wash over him, but he refused to get up and get a beer. With a sigh, he switched off the tv and climbed into bed, cranking the ac and throwing the blankets over his head.

His phone buzzed on the night stand and he poked his head out eagerly. He fumbled for the phone while remaining under the covers and pulled it under with him. The screen was blinding as he read the text. It was Kate.

_Dont worry about coming over tmrw._

He stared at the text, rereading the words over and over. His heart sank in his chest. Did Marnie say something to her? He mentioned keeping his distance… but he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t be away from her. He didn’t want to be. Not really. It just sounded like the right thing to say.

_y?_

He stared at the screen as it turned off, waiting for her response. The seconds felt like hours as he waited. His eyes grew heavy, but a buzzing made him jump.

_I dont think we should hang out anymore._

His chest hurt more than any depression had before. He didn’t mean it. He wished he had never said anything. She couldn’t have meant it. Take it back.

_Is that what you really want?_

The waiting was longer this time. Painfully longer. He wanted to be there, with her. He wanted to see her face. He knew when she was lying. Something was wrong. She was upset. She never would tell him to stay away.

Unless she loved him, too. And she was afraid. He wanted to tell her it was okay. That he was afraid, too. He wanted to hold her. Kiss her.

Or maybe she knew he loved her. And she didn’t love him. So she was trying to end their friendship.

It would have been the right thing to do. Right?

Another buzz.

_No._

He gripped the phone in his hands. He knew she didn’t mean it.

_So y do you keep pushing me away?_

He pulled himself out from under the covers. He needed to be there. There was something on her mind and they needed to talk. He wanted to talk.

No. He couldn’t go see her. Not again. He would just make things more complicated. He wouldn’t be able to hold himself back. And he didn’t want to deal with that again.

_I’m not._

He didn’t know what to say. Did she still want his help? Should he still go over? Yes. He would. She needed his help. But that was it. Just help. Nothing more.

_K. see ya tmrw._


	49. Shane (22)

The town had been abuzz about news with the war. There was talk of a victory, but no one knew if the rumors were true. An announcement was to be made that morning, and everyone gathered in the community center anxiously.

Shane stood against the far wall, away from everyone else, but eager to hear the news. His eyes drifted to Kate and Jak, sitting quietly on the couch with Penny and Leah. Kate busied herself with her child, not paying attention to the tv in front of them. It didn’t effect her.

There was a collective sigh of relief and happy murmurs. The war was won. They had won. Kent and Abigail would be returning home, without Alex.

*****

Kate slid into the bar seat beside Shane that night. Pam was talking excitedly from across the room to Jodi, Carolyn, and Lewis. She would be picking up Kent and Abigail from the airport. 

Shane couldn’t feel the excitement they felt, though. He glanced at Kate, who stared blankly into her empty glass.

Shane tapped the counter. “Two more.”

Gus slid two bottles in their direction. Shane nodded his thanks.

“Don’t listen to that drunk,” Shane said into his bottle.

“Why? Because she won’t be bringing my husband home? Everyone else has accepted it.” Her voice raised. “You’d rather just assume he’s dead.”

Shane’s chest ached for Kate. But she was right. He wasn’t optimistic like she was, as much as he tried to be a support for her.

“No one is assuming he’s dead,” he mumbled.

“You are. You all are.”

“He’s been missing for almost a year, Kate.”

“You’ve given up,” she hissed.

“Well, what else could it be?” His voice was louder now. “The war’s over, Kate. And there’s no Alex.”

He regretted the words immediately, but it was too late. He watched Kate’s face whiten, creased with pain. His stomach twisted sickeningly. He wanted to reach out to her. To hold her.

Kate pushed herself away from the bar, but her knees gave out as the tears fell down her cheeks.

“Kate!” Leah pushed passed him, hearing his outburst, and held Kate in her arms.

“Kate,” Shane began quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve done enough,” Leah hissed at him. “Get out of here.”

Shane didn’t hesitate to leave the bar, feeling all eyes on him. They were quiet as he slammed the door behind him.

Shane shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked away from the bar. He hesitated, turning back, but stopped himself. He proceeded to pace up and down the road until the door to the saloon flew open and Kate stumbled out. He hurried to her as she fell into his arms and he pulled her into his chest.

“I didn’t mean it, Kate,” he whispered helplessly. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re right,” she sobbed.

“No.” He hesitated. “No. We don’t know that.”

Kate pushed away and met his gaze. “What if he doesn’t come back?”

Shane didn’t say anything. He looked at his feet. He didn’t know what to say to her. What if he didn’t come back? She wouldn’t be alone. He wanted to tell her that. That he was there for her. That he loved her more than anything.

“Shane…”

“Yeah?” His voice was soft.

“I don’t know what to do… if he doesn’t come back…”

“You push on,” Shane said slowly. “For Jak.” He couldn’t let her fall again. Never again.

“I can’t.”

“You have to,” he growled, gripping her tightly. “You have to, Kate.”

“I can’t,” Kate sobbed.

“You can.”

Kate fell to her knees, crying into Shane’s chest.

“Will you be here?”

He pushed her away and looked into her eyes. “Where am I gonna go?”

“Don’t leave me. Not like Alex.”

“Kate…” He felt his heart ripping through his chest and he struggled to breathe. I’ll never leave you.

“I can’t do it alone.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“I don’t want to do it alone.”

Shane hesitated. “You don’t have to.”

“You’ll help me?”

Shane let go of her and looked at the ground. “I won’t leave you alone,” he said quietly.

“Promise?”

He met her gaze but didn’t say anything.

“Do you love me?” Her voice was just a whisper.

His heart stopped in his chest. He searched her eyes. “Alex will come home.”

“You didn’t answer me.”

Shane hesitated. “Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

But Kate didn’t answer him. He held his gaze on her and pulled her to her feet.

“You don’t have to help,” she muttered, turning away.

Shane looked to the starlit sky. “I promised Alex.”


	50. Shane (23 & 24)

Shane sat on an old tree stump, watching Jas chase the chickens around their pen. Was it too early to drink a beer? Probably. He sighed and let his chin rest in his hand. Everyone was waiting for Pam to bring Kent and Abigail home. Kate was likely hiding in the house. He didn’t want to bother her, but was anxious to check on her and get to work on the farm.

Marnie and Lewis came around the corner at that moment, their smiles wide.

“You’ll never guess who made it home,” Lewis said to him.

Shane met Marnie’s careful gaze. His heart skipped in his chest.

Lewis looked to Shane, then to Marnie. When neither of them spoke, he continued. “Alex! Alex is home.”

Shane’s heart sank. He immediately regretted feeling disappointed. He forced a smile. “That’s good to hear.”

Lewis narrowed his eyes at Shane for a moment before turning to Marnie. “Yes. Well. I’ll be around if anyone needs me.”

Shane watched as he shuffled away, back into town. “Guess she won’t be needing me anymore.”

“Shane…” But Shane had already disappeared into the house to lock himself in his room with a beer.

 

*****

 

Shane ventured out of the house that night and to the saloon. He would have preferred to stay locked in his room, but Alex was home, and he felt he needed to make an appearance. At the very least, to buy his friend a beer.

It was still relatively early when he got there, taking his usual seat in the corner. One by one, people wandered in, and soon the air was filled with excitement. Emily and Gus passed beers around quickly in celebration. Shane watched Kate and Alex from his corner. Kate was ecstatic to have her husband back. He hadn’t seen her smile like that in a long time, and it stung in his chest.

He finished his beer hurriedly, regretting immediately his decision to come to the saloon. Now, all he wanted to do was get away and crawl back into hiding. He paid, tipped Emily graciously, and made his way for the door.

“Welcome home,” he said to Alex as he passed, forcing the words out of his throat.

He stood outside the saloon for a moment, but the door opened once more and Kent let himself outside. Shane was eager to get away, but he hesitated as Kent mumbled to himself and lit up a cigarette.

“Don’t go to war, kid,” he said gruffly.

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

The door opened once more and Alex trotted down the steps towards them. They turned to him but did not greet him.

“What is this, a funeral?” Alex asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You’re damn lucky it ain’t,” Kent hissed. “Could be yours.”

“You’re awfully defensive for someone who almost killed our whole unit.”

“I did what I had to do.”

“And I did what I had to do to save them all. Including you.”

Shane threw his arms in the air. “This shit is getting too real for me.”

“Forget it, Alex,” Kent spat. “Don’t you say a god damn word.”

Alex and Shane watched as Kent marched away angrily.

Shane whistled. “What the hell was that about?”

“Forget it,” Alex said angrily. “Nothing happened.”

Shane studied him for a moment. “You can talk to me, you know.”

Alex met his gaze. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Alex, you were M.I.A.”

“And now I’m home. Forget about it.”

“What the hell happened out there?”

“I said forget about it!”

Shane was quiet. He turned to his feet. He should have left when he had the chance.

“I’m sorry,” Alex muttered, looking down at the ground. “I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“’S okay,” Shane said. “I get it.”

“Thanks for being around for Kate.”

Shane shrugged. “Yeah. Sure.”

“She told me about Clara.”

Shane shifted his weight on his feet uncomfortably. He didn’t want to talk to Alex about that. Didn’t want to relive the memory. “Oh.”

Alex met Shane’s gaze, his brows knit together. “What happened?”

“Alex, listen…”

Alex watched Shane carefully.

“You don’t need to know the details.”

“I wasn’t there for her. I need to know. I need to know what happened to my daughter.” 

“She needs to know what happened to you,” Shane said pointedly.

Alex looked away. “She doesn’t need to know that. I can’t tell her that.”

“She almost died without you. She deserves to know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It was bad, Alex. Real bad. I thought she was already dead.”

Alex swallowed.

Shane turned back to his feet. “I found her laying in her own blood. There was blood everywhere. She couldn’t stay awake. It almost killed her. Hell, it almost killed Harvey. Didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself.”

“I wish I was there.”

Shane met his gaze, his brows knit together fiercely. “No. You don’t. You got the easy way out. You didn’t know about any of it. About how she suffered without you. About how she had to deal with losing her own child without you. You don’t know what that did to her. To us. We didn’t think she’d come back. We didn’t hear from her for a long time. I went by every day just to make sure she was alive.”

“I didn’t choose to be shipped across the damn sea,” Alex hissed.

“No. You’re right. You didn’t.” Shane sighed. “I know shit was happening over there. But shit was happening here, too. Things aren’t the same as when you left.”

“What are you saying?”

Shane turned away, gritting his teeth together. “She deserves to know, Alex.”

 

*****

 

Shane let the door slam behind him. With everyone celebrating at the bar, he had the house to himself. He didn’t bother turn on any lights as he made his way to the fridge. The light poured out into the kitchen as he peered inside, grabbing a beer. The room darkened once more as he closed the door. He popped open the bottle and sat, spinning his phone on the table.

He was on his forth beer when Marnie and Jas made it home. He squinted as the light turned on. Marnie stood in the door way, her arms crossed.

“What?” he grunted.

She turned away disapprovingly, taking Jas’s hand. “Say goodnight, Jas.”

“Night, Shane!” Jas called over her shoulder as Marnie dragged her into her room.

Shane picked at the beer label until Marnie returned, sitting in front of him. She watched him pick at the bottle but said nothing.

“I’m glad Alex is back,” Shane muttered.

“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Marnie said.

“You’re judging me.”

Marnie smiled. “No, I’m not.”

Shane let his head rest against his fist, his elbow on the table. “I didn’t want him to come back.”

Marnie didn’t say anything.

“It was wrong.”

Marnie pinched her lips together. “I understand.”

Shane pushed himself away from the table and stood. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. It never did.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“I don’t need anyone to cushion the blow. She’s married. She loves Alex. I was stupid for thinking… stupid for…” He rubbed his temples. “Stupid.”

“I think you should know by now I don’t cushion any blows with you, Shane. I tell you how it is. And it does matter. It will always matter. You did more for her than anyone could have.”

“That’s a cushion. That doesn’t change anything. Alex is here. Kate is with him. They have a family. I’m nothing to her.”

Marnie shook her head. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

Shane met her gaze, hesitant. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to tell you she loves you, Shane.” She hesitated. “But you’re not nothing to her.”

“Cushion,” Shane said simply.

Marnie smiled. “Didn’t a little girl once tell you that everyone had secrets?”

Shane stared at the bottle. “Jas was talking about your secrets.”

“She sees more than you realize, Shane.”


	51. Shane (26)

Shane spent most of the day with Jas, giving Penny a much needed day off. Vincent was home with his family, so Jas was anxiously pulling at Shane’s arm as they wandered through the woods. She jumped from log to stump as she told Shane about her latest lesson with Penny and how she got an A on her last test.

“Did you cheat off of Vincent?” Shane said, narrowing his eyes at her.

Jas giggled. “No, Shane! I’m smarter than he is. All girls are.”

Shane smiled. “You’re probably right.” 

He held her hand as she took a wide jump onto a large rock.

“Did ya know there’s a wizard that lives around here?”

Shane raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

Jas nodded excitedly. “I see him sometimes. Abigail does, too. She tells me about him.”

“Abigail is crazy.”

“Nah uh, Shane! She says he’s nice.”

“Stay away from strangers.”

“He’s not a stranger,” she whined. “He helps put the big haunted maze together!”

“So, he’s friends with Mayor Lewis?”

Jas shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe.” She paused, hopping down from the rock. “I like Mayor Lewis. Aunt Marnie does, too.”

“Yes, I know.”

“You don’t like him.”

“I like him.”

“Don’t lie, Shane.”

Shane sat on a log. “I’m not lying. He’s okay. I don’t mind him, now.”

Jas sat beside him. “You don’t like that he makes Aunt Marnie happy.”

He turned to her. “Do you think he makes her happy?”

Jas smiled. “Yes!”

“Well, I guess that’s all that matters, then. She deserves to be happy.”

Jas kicked her legs into the air. “You deserve to be happy, too.”

“You don’t think I’m happy?”

Jas paused in thought. “Sometimes. You’re always happy when you’re with Kate. Well, you used to be.”

Shane hesitated. “Kate’s my friend.”

Jas smiled. “It’s okay, Shane.”

“Hm?”

“I know you like her.”

“Jas-”

“She likes you, too.”

Shane stood and held out his hand. “C’mon.”

Jas gaze was soft on his. She took his hand. “It’s okay to have secrets.”

 

*****

 

Alex slid into the bar beside Shane. Gus passed him a beer. Shane did not turn to him. He drank from his glass quietly, waiting for Alex to speak. They drank in silence for a moment before he broke.

“You’re in love with her,” he stated. 

Shane hesitated. He turned to Alex, but Alex did not meet his gaze. He turned back to his beer and finished it as he dug through his mind for something to say. He knew, though, that it was already too late to try to deny it. So instead, he kept his mouth shut and waited for Alex’s threats.

Alex turned to Shane and Shane met his gaze. Alex’s brows were knit together sternly. “Stay away from her.”

Shane pinched his lips together, turned his gaze to the counter, and nodded slowly.

Alex finished his drink and sighed. Without another word, he stood up and left the saloon, leaving Shane alone.

Shane chugged his beer and signaled for another.

“I’m cutting you off after this one,” Gus said to him.

“Um fine,” Shane muttered.

“You’re not fine, Shane. Even I lost count. Damn, I’ve never seen you drink this much. Go home.”

Shane swore under his breath. Gus narrowed his eyes angrily before turning away. Shane stared at the bottle before pushing away from the bar and stumbling out the door.

Jas was still up when he stumbled through the door. She looked up from her drawing at the kitchen table but did not smile at him.

“Shane’s not happy anymore,” she said as Marnie came in from around the corner.

“I see that,” she said, crossing her arms.

Shane ignored them and headed straight for his room. He locked the door behind him, pausing for a moment before letting his fist fly into the wall. He regretted immediately as his knuckles gushed with blood. He poked his head out of his room sheepishly. Marnie stared at him in shock, then gawked at his bloodied knuckles.

“I’ll fix it,” he said between hiccups. 

Marnie grabbed an ice pack from the freezer and wrapped Shane’s knuckles carefully as he groaned into his palm. He sent him away with the ice and a bottle of water. He paused in the door way, turning to meet Marnie’s gaze. He raised his fist to her in thanks and closed the door once more.


	52. Shane (27)

Shane fixed the hole in the wall one handedly the next morning, filling it with plaster before painting over it. When he finished, he unwrapped his knuckles and washed off the dried blood until all that remained were little cuts across his skin. Lucky for him they weren’t broken, hitting a weaker point in the wall, but they were still bruised and sore. 

He dug through the medicine cabinet until he found the asprin and he eagerly popped two into his mouth. He stared at the bottle for a moment before putting it back on the shelf and closing the door.

He made his way into the kitchen where Jas and Marnie sat. He joined them at the table without a word.

“How are you feeling?” Marnied asked carefully.

He grunted in response.

“Shane’s sick again,” Jas said as she ate her breakfast. She knew ‘sick’ Shane all too well.

Shane looked away from her, feeling ashamed. He was a terrible role model for her.

“He’ll get over it,” Marnie said coldly. “Go get ready for Miss Penny,” she said to Jas.

Jas pushed herself away from the table and hurried into her bedroom.

“Did you fix my wall?” Marnie asked, cocking her head to the side.

“Yes,” Shane mumbled. “Sorry.”

Marnie sighed and leaned back in her chair. “What are you going to do, Shane?”

Shane hesitated. “Kate doesn’t need me anymore. It’s over with. Alex is home. She’s happy.”

“And what about you?”

Shane shrugged. “Nothing changes. Alex told me to stay away. I’m back to being a nobody.”

“Shane.” Her voice was soft. 

Shane stood. “It doesn’t matter,” he said sharply. “This whole mess is done with. I don’t have to see her ever again.”

“She lives here, Shane. You’ll see her every day.”

“Not if-”

“You’re not locking yourself in this damned house,” she interrupted him loudly. 

Shane rolled his eyes. “Its fine. I’m fine. I’m over it.”

“Just like that?”

Shane hesitated and turned away. “Just like that.”

He sat at the dock, looking out over the lake. Of course he wasn’t over it. He didn’t think he could ever be over it. Seeing Kate every day only made it worse. But he didn’t have a choice. He had to move on and accept the fact that he would never get his chance. But it didn’t matter. It wasn’t about him. It was about Kate. And Kate was happy. That was all he ever wanted. Except to be the one to make her happy. 

He had to be realistic. Kate had everything she wanted. Someone who loved her. Someone she truly loved. A family. A life. She never would have loved him, even if Alex never came back. He wished he could go back and change it. He wished he never fell in love with her. He wished she never moved to Stardew Valley.

But he couldn’t imagine his life without her. Whether they were together or not, she changed his life for the better. He never thought he’d feel the way he did about anyone. And it was something. A reason. He didn’t want to give that up.

“Bye, Shane!”

Shane turned and waved to Jas as Marnie walked her into town. He smiled. Despite it all, he still had them. His odd, misfit family. Jas. She was a reason, too, he reminded himself. And he wanted to be better for her.


	53. Shane (28)

Shane found Jas at the edge of the river with Vincent. Kate, Alex, and Penny were there as well. He shifted uncomfortably on his feet as Jas showed him the fish she caught.

He passed Kate and Penny on the bridge, hoping to avoid any conversation.

“Jas tattled on you,” Penny said. “Said you gave her the answers to her homework.”

Shane shrugged and continued on, avoiding them. He took Jas’s hand, avoiding Alex’s glare, and pulled her away.

“Come on,” he grumbled. “Dinner time.”

He pulled Jas anxiously through town.

“Why are you in such a hurry?” she growled at him.

“Because,” he said simply. “Alex doesn’t like me.”

“Yeah, I know.” She pulled her hand out of Shane’s grip and followed him quickly.

“Well, I don’t want to be around him.”

“You can’t avoid him forever,” Jas said.

“Watch me.”

“You’re being a grump.”

“Yup.”

*****

Shane stood at the lake that night, beer in hand. He turned when he heard someone approach. He caught Kate’s gaze and turned back to the lake, but she continued to his side.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

Shane didn’t look at her. He shrugged. “I’m not.”

“Yes you are. Ever since Alex came back. What’s wrong with you?”

He met her gaze sternly. “Alex told me to stay away from you.”

“What? Why?”

Shane held his gaze for a moment before turning away. “'Cuz the kid’s got jealousy issues. Thinks I’m gonna steal you from him.”

“Are you?”

He looked out over the lake before turning back to her. “Am I?”

“No.”

He turned away. “Then I guess not.”

“Was that your plan the whole time?”

“My plan?”

“To steal me away from Alex.”

He smiled at his beer. “There was never a plan.”

“But you wanted to.”

Shane sighed. “I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t even want to look out for you or care for you.”

“But you did.”

“Alex asked me to.”

“I think there’s more to it than that.”

He searched her eyes. “What do you want me to say? That I fell in love with you? That a sick part of me hoped Alex would never come back?”

Kate hesitated. “Is that true?”

“Would it change anything?”

“Yes.”

His heart skipped in his chest.

“It would change everything,” Kate continued. “I would lose all respect for you.”

He turned away. Of course Kate didn’t care. “I couldn’t help it,” he said softly. “But I never would have acted on it. Even if he… didn’t come back. I never wanted to hurt you or Alex.”

“You have acted on it. You and your stupid drunk night.”

“I didn’t mean that,” he muttered.

“But you did. Being drunk just gave you the balls to do it.”

He hesitated. “That was just one time…”

“But it was real. You didn’t want Alex to come back.”

Shane didn’t say anything.

“Tell me the truth, Shane.”

He looked at her from the corner of his eye. “It doesn’t matter. You said so yourself.”

“Right. It doesn’t matter.” Kate sighed. “I just want things to go back to normal. Alex didn’t mean it. He doesn’t hate you. I don’t want to be the reason you guys aren’t friends.”

Shane turned to her. “The thing is,” he began, “you are the reason. Alex and I can never be friends. I love you too much.” He hesitated. “And Alex is right. I need to stay away. We can’t be friends anymore, either.”

“Shane…”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned, walking away.

“Shane!” 

But he didn’t hesitate, didn’t turn around. He forced his legs to keep him moving forward, away from Kate as his heart broke in his chest. But it was the right thing to do. He had done everything he could for her, but now he needed to do something for himself.


	54. Shane (29)

Shane walked Jas to the library the next morning. He didn’t want to chance running into Kate, but Jas begged him to walk her to class. He suspected Marnie put her up to it to keep him from punching another hole in the wall, but he didn’t bother to argue.

Penny waited with her book when they showed up, fortunately, the first ones there. Shane was eager to leave before he had to face Kate or Alex, but it was already too late. Kate had showed up with Jak, but she didn’t approach them. She pushed Jak forward and he ran towards Shane immediately.

Penny took Jak’s hand as Shane studied Kate. Something was different about her. She was hiding something. She turned away and pulled her hoodie over her face. Shane caught the edge of a purple bruise as she did so. His heart leapt into his throat as he hurried after her. He grabbed her wrist and spun her around, but she avoided her gaze, lowering her head out of his sight.

“What happened to your face?” he hissed.

“I thought we weren’t friends anymore.”

“You’re hiding something. Did Alex do this?”

“Shane. Stop.”

His voice grew louder. “Did Alex do this?”

Kate said nothing, barely meeting his angry gaze. He was fuming. He could barely breathe. Alex hit her. He hit her.

“I’ll kill him.” He turned, but Kate’s hand was on his arm and he hesitated under her touch. He met her gaze, turning to her. He let his fingers run across the bruise on her face, but she pulled away. His stomach knotted.

“Alex didn’t do this,” she said.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that,” he growled.

Kate looked into his eyes. “Alex did not hurt me.”

He held his gaze for a moment before turning away. “You’re lying.”

“Alex is hurt. He is hurting. You have no idea what he’s been through. It haunts him. Every single night.”

“You’re hurt,” he snapped. “You’re hurting.”

“What hurts is that I can’t help him.”

Shane hesitated, his eyes inspecting the bruise.

Kate pulled away from him but did not leave. She held his gaze on him for a moment before shoving her hands in her pockets and walking away.

Shane watched her leave but did not chase after her. She wasn’t safe with Alex. Alex was broken now. Suffering. He wasn’t in control of emotions or his actions, and his family was too close to be safe with him. It wouldn’t end with Kate. What if he hurt Jak? What if he killed Jak? Shane’s heart raced and his stomach twisted. Alex wasn’t the same person when he left. He was different. He couldn’t be trusted. Whether he intended to or not, he would hurt them.

Shane hurried home, his mind racing. He had to do something. He had to stop Alex. He had to convince him to get help. Or leave.

He shook his head in an attempt to shake that idea from his mind. He couldn’t make Alex leave. Alex wouldn’t leave. Kate couldn’t be without him again. But they weren’t safe. Alex hurt her, and Shane couldn’t stand by and wait for it to happen again.

Marnie was outside when Shane got back. Her eyes were worried as he approached.

“What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Shane stuttered pathetically. “He hit her.”

Marnie froze. “What?”

“Alex. Alex hit her.”

“Shane…”

“She has a bruise on her face!” he shouted.

“I’m sure it wasn’t on purpose…”

Shane turned away, angry. “I can’t let that happen again.”

“Shane. Don’t get involved.”

“Don’t get involved? Alex got me involved. I was involved a long time ago. I won’t stand by and let this happen.”

“Alex is probably going through a lot right now…”

“Fuck that,” Shane spat. “That’s no excuse. He hit her, Marnie.” With every word that came out of his mouth, he could feel his anger boil. He wanted to kill him. To take them away from him. He was dangerous. A monster.

“And you think you’re any better?” Marnie’s voice was louder now.

Shane met her gaze. “Yes.”

“You have no control over yourself, Shane. You’d drink yourself to death if I let you. You punched a damn hole in my wall!”

Shane hesitated, stepping backwards as if she had punched him in the chest. He searched her eyes, feeling helpless. “I would never hurt anyone,” he mumbled.

“Shane-”

“Do you think I would hurt Jas?” He was shouting now, angrier than ever. “I would die before I hurt her.”

Marnie’s eyes were soft. Sad. “Shane. Don’t you think Alex feels the same way?”

Shane held his gaze. “But he did it. He hurt her. I haven’t hurt anyone.”

“You hurt my wall,” Marnie muttered.

He could feel his heart breaking in his chest. “You don’t trust me.” It wasn’t a question.

“Shane, I never said that. I know you wouldn’t hurt Jas.”

He turned away from her. He couldn’t look at her anymore. His mind raced. He wasn’t Alex. He could protect them. He would protect them.


	55. Shane (30)

Shane waited for Alex to come home. It was late, but he knew Alex would be making the walk down the road soon, and he was too eager to confront him. And before he knew it, Alex showed, stopping before him, his eyes suspicious of him.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked.

“You hit her.”

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb, Alex. You hit her.”

“I thought I told you to stay away from her” Alex growled. 

Shane pushed himself off the tree, getting into Alex’s face. “You. Hit. Her.”

“I know! Damn it, I know!”

Shane hesitated as Alex started to lose his composure. He did not expect this.

“Do you really think I did it on purpose? Do you think I’m okay knowing that I hurt her? Without even intending to? Without my own knowledge of doing so? Do you have any idea how that kills me?” Alex pushed forward, pushing Shane back into the tree. “Don’t you for a second think you’re better than I am. Don’t you for a second think I would do anything to hurt her. You have no fucking clue, Shane. Don’t for a second think you can judge me. It’s too easy for you to judge me when you don’t have a friggen clue.”

“Then tell me, Alex,” Shane yelled over him. “Give me a reason to believe you can handle this. Prove to me that your family isn’t in danger.”

Alex was silent. He narrowed his eyes at Shane. “My family is not in danger. I am not a danger to them.”

“You’re not?”

Both men stared each other down.

“You have no right to come here and try to tell me I can’t be with my own family.”

“You said it, not me,” Shane said. “You know it’s true. It haunts you - what you could do to them, without even realizing it.”

“You have no idea the things that haunt me,” Alex hissed. “But never has the thought of hurting my family crossed my mind. Not even for a second.”

“You’re lying, Alex. I see it in the bruise on Kate’s face. I see it in the way you look at her. You’re afraid.”

“I’m afraid of a lot of things,” Alex’s voice shook. “Kate is the only thing keeping me sane here. She is the only one keeping me alive.”

“Have you ever thought for a second how she feels? That maybe she’s afraid of you?”

“She’s not.”

Shane said nothing. He held his gaze a moment longer before turning away, but Alex grabbed his shoulder and punched him in the nose. He stumbled backwards, clutching at his nose.

“I regret a lot of things,” Alex muttered.”But my biggest regret is not doing that sooner.”

Shane held his nose and groaned. He pulled his bloodied hand away and spat at the ground. “Fuck you.”

“No, fuck you, Shane. I trusted you with my family.”

“And I took care of them,” Shane spat at him.

“I never should have trusted you with her.”

“She’d be dead if it weren’t for me. Do you think anyone else around here could have done what I did? For you?”

“You did it because you love her. You didn’t do any of it for me. I just had to come back and ruin your plans.”

“That’s not true,” Shane hissed nasally.

“Some damn friend you turned out to be.”

“You know what? I’m not doing this. I’m not going to apologize. Yes, I love her. And I did everything for her. I did everything I could to keep her going, even when she wanted to give up. All of it, and all she cared about was you. But I loved her anyway. And I will always love her. But she will never love me. At least you had someone who truly cared for her. Who had her in their best interests. I never betrayed you. I never acted on anything. I kept her alive.”

“So I should be thanking you?” Alex accused. “For loving her?”

“What does it matter what I feel? Are you that insecure? She loves you. I get to sit here and watch her love you. Isn’t that enough for you?”

“Don’t try to turn this around and make me the bad guy.”

“Don’t make me the bad guy. I can’t change how I feel. But I would never come between you and her.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?”

“Yes.”

Alex was quiet for a moment. He studied Shane’s bloodied face. “Stay away from her,” he growled. “Stay away from us.”

He stepped passed Shane. Shane watched as he disappeared down the dark road. He cursed loudly into the night. His nose was throbbing. Painful, but it didn’t seem broken. Alex held back. He knew it.

Shane wiped his bloodied hands on his shirt and ran his sleeve across his nose. He trudged through the night, ignoring the pain, until he got back to the house. Marnie rushed to him, guiding him to the chair and inspecting his nose.

“What the fuck, Shane,” she muttered as she cleaned off the blood, despite his attempts to pull away from her. She wrapped an ice pack in a towel and placed it carefully on his nose. “Hold that there. It doesn’t look broken.”

Shane held the ice pack to his nose as instructed and let his cheek rest on his fist, groaning as the ice started to numb his face.

“Why did you do that?”

“You don’t even know what happened,” he grumbled.

“You confronted Alex and he beat the shit out of you.”

Shane scoffed through the ice. “He didn’t beat the shit out of me.”

“You’re damn lucky he didn’t. He should have.”

“Why are you on his side?”

Marnie sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. “I’m not on anyone’s side. Right now, I’m on Kate’s, and Kate better get the hell out of town while she still can.”

“He’s violent, Marnie.”

“Don’t even talk, Shane. I can’t deal with the two of you, acting like a bunch of immature teenagers.”

“This isn’t a joke.”

“This isn’t your place.”

“I won’t stand by and let this happen,” he hissed.

Marnie stood. “You need to be careful, Shane. If he’s as dangerous as you think…”

“He won’t kill me.”

Marnie hesitated. “I can’t tell you what to do, Shane. Please… just be careful.”


	56. Shane (31)

Shane stayed home when Marnie brought Jas to class for the day. The blood had stopped over night and all that remain was a bruise. He washed his face, cleaning up the rest of the dried blood before Jas would see anything. He stared at his reflection and studied the purple color on his face. He turned away and sighed, drying his face carefully.

He was on the couch, staring at the tv when Marnie returned, but she did not bother him. She busied herself in the coop for the morning, returning later in the afternoon to clean up.

“How’s the nose?” she said, sitting beside him. Shane hadn’t moved all day.

“It works.”

“That’s always a plus.”

“Tell me what to do, Marnie.”

Marnie hesitated. “I can’t do that, Shane.”

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.”

Marnie sighed. “Alex will pull through this. He won’t put his family in danger. You need to trust that he will do what he has to do. But you cannot interfere.”

“I have to. I can tell him to leave.”

“So you can try to swoop in and be the hero?”

Shane said nothing.

“Kate doesn’t need a hero. She needs her family. And you need to trust that she can handle things, even if it comes down to leaving Alex. This needs to be on her terms.”

Shane pinched his lips together, still staring at the screen.

“I know you love her, Shane,” Marnie said softly. “But you’re not a part of her life anymore.”

 

*****

 

Shane looked out over the lake that night, contemplating Marnie’s words. She was right, of course, but he hated to admit it. He couldn’t stand the idea of standing idly by while their family fell apart. Maybe Marnie was right. Maybe Kate could handle things. But she couldn’t do it alone. She needed him. She always needed him, and he would always be there for her.

Maybe that was the problem. He was too involved, now. He knew he couldn’t interfere without upsetting Alex, which would only make the situation worse. But he couldn’t live, seeing her every day, and knowing there was nothing he could do for her.

“Can we talk?” Kate stood behind him. 

Shane shrugged and continued to stare out over the lake. “About what?” He brought the beer in his hand to his lips.

“Maybe about you and my husband getting into a fist fight?”

Shane smiled. “I thought you would have enjoyed it.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Two guys fighting over you. Isn’t that every girl’s dream?”

“You think that little of me?”

Shane rolled his eyes at the lake.

“Stop being an ass. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry,” he said simply. He was being an ass. It was his go-to. Maybe it would make things easier if Kate hated him.

“You don’t look sorry.”

Shane sighed and looked to the ground. “I am. I’m sorry. But in my defense, he started it.”

“I know.”

“Look.” He hesitated. “It’s too late to go back. I can’t change the way I feel. But I won’t come between you and Alex. I would never do that.”

“I know.”

“I can’t be around you anymore, either.”

Kate was quiet.

“So,” Shane said with a sigh. “I’m leaving.”

“What?”

“Tomorrow. I’m leaving.”

“Shane… you can’t leave. Where are you going? You have family here.”

Shane met her gaze. “I can’t live the rest of my life seeing you, knowing you’ll never be mine.”

“Shane… Don’t do this. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you. You can’t just up and leave.”

“My mind’s made up.”

“So, I’ll just never hear from you again?”

Shane didn’t answer. He finished his beer, then turned to her, his eyes on hers. He let his hand rest against her face. The bruise, still visible, was starting to heal. His heart pulled in his chest. He wanted to make the pain go away. He held his gaze, hesitant. His heart raced, pulling towards her.

“Lie to me,” he whispered. He let his hands cup her face, pulling her closer to him. “Just once.”

Kate hesitated, her gaze locked on his, searching his eyes. Shane held his breath, waiting. His eyes pleaded with her. Just one moment. That was all he wanted before he left her forever.

Her breath was warm against his lips as she whispered the words he ached to hear. “I love you.”

Shane pressed into her, letting his lips brush softly against hers. His arms wrapped around her as she pushed into him. Their lips lingered for a moment before he pulled away. He searched her eyes, hoping for a spark of truth, before he turned away.

“Night, Kate.” His voice was soft. He turned away, leaving her alone in the darkness, and headed home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this concludes the Shane chapters. Back to your regularly scheduled chapters, picking back up at chapter 33! Enjoy :)


	57. 33

Shane had never seen the wizard before, but as he watched the man in the trees, he instantly knew he was the wizard. The wizard met his gaze and smiled.

”Didn’t expect to see anyone out this far,” he commented.

Shane hadn’t even realized how far he had wandered through the forest, and it was getting darker quickly.

“I know why you’re here, Shane,” the wizard said.

Shane hesitated, meeting his gaze.

“I know what you want to ask me. And I will agree to give you a chance. One chance.”

Shane raised a skeptical eyebrow. “What?”

“To change things.”

“I don’t know what you’re-”

“Don’t act innocent in this. Everyone has those feelings and thoughts. If only one thing could be different. If Alex never came back. How different do you think it would really be?”

Shane’s heart raced, hopeful. “I don’t want that.”

“Yes, you do. Don’t feel guilty about it. I can make it happen. Isn’t that what you want?”

Shane was quiet. Of course that’s what he wanted. But it was wrong.

“I can grant you that one chance, Shane.”

“What happens if I say yes?” Shane said slowly.

“You want to know if it is permanent.”

Shane held his gaze, waiting for the wizard to answer.

“Only if you want it to be. But you don’t have to decide now. Take your chance, Shane.”

Shane nodded hesitantly and suddenly, he was standing at the edge of the lake. The sun was just peeking over the horizon. Jas trotted over to him excitedly, Marnie just behind her.

“Are you coming, Shane?”

“Hm?”

“Abigail and Kent are coming home.” She took his hand and led him towards the bus stop where a crowd had gathered, waiting anxiously. Shane looked around, but Kate was no where to be seen. Just as he remembered it, Pam pulled up in the bus and the doors slammed open. Abigail stepped out first, followed by Kent. This time, Alex did not follow.

Shane’s throat tightened as Carolyn and Pierre hurried toward their daughter. Vincent ran to his father, jumping in his arms. Alex still did not appear. What had he done?

Shane hurried down the road towards the farm. Dusty chased the chickens around happily, but Kate was not there. He trotted up the steps, knocked twice, and pushed the door open, peeking his head inside. Kate looked up from the table, Jak on her lap, and forced a smile.

“They’re home,” she said simply.

Shane nodded.

Kate sighed and cleared her throat. “You don’t have to help me today. I’m sure Gus will have the Saloon open all day.”

Shane shrugged and tried to ignore the pain in his chest. He had caused this. “I’d rather be doing something useful,” he muttered. “C'mon. Dusty’s terrorizing the chickens out there.”

 

*****

 

“Guess there’s nothing left for us to do here,” Shane said as he packaged up the last of the eggs.

“Mhm.”

“What do you want to do? Go into town?”

Kate hesitated. “No. I just… want to stay here. Away from everyone.”

Shane nodded. “Okay.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know. But I want to.”

Kate patted Dusty’s head. The dog wagged his tail and panted happily.

”Let’s take a walk,” Shane suggested.

Kate picked up Jak and they walked towards the forest. Feeling guilty, Shane looked for the wizard, but he was no where to be seen. And Kate was no longer at his side. Panicked, he spun on his heels, but there she was at the edge of the lake as Jak played on the bank, distracted by the fish that swam close to shore. He reached for them, but Kate pulled him back before he could fall in. Jak giggled as his mother pulled him into her lap.

Shane sat beside her and Kate sighed, looking out over the lake.

“What do I do now?” she said softly.

Shane closed his eyes tightly. “You live,” he said simply.

Kate nodded. She almost expected Alex to get off that bus. To surprise her. To be safe. Alive. But he didn’t get off that bus. And he probably never would.

“It’s so hard,” she choked out. “I didn’t think… I thought he’d come home. I was so stupid to think…”

Shane met her gaze. “You’re not stupid. It’s not stupid to hold on.”

“I should have been more realistic.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

“He’s gone,” she sobbed. “I’m alone.”

Shane pulled her into him and she cried into his chest. He let his fingers run through her hair.

”You’re not alone,” Shane muttered into her hair. “You have me. And Jak. and Penny.”

Kate’s body shuttered against him as she gasped through her tears. Shane held her tighter and watched as Jak played in the mud, without a care in the world. Without a father.

His chest tightened. He did this. He did this to them. He wanted to make it right. To take her pain away. She didn’t deserve this. His eyes searched the forest, but there was still no sign of the wizard.

He waited until Kate’s breathing slowed, but she did not pull away. Jak made his way to them, muddy and happy, sitting in his mother’s lap. Kate sat up and smiled at her son.

”Someone needs a bath,” she said quietly. She kissed his cheek and stood.

“Do you want some help?” Shane asked, hesitant.

Kate shook her head. “I’m fine. I think I just want to… hide in the house today.”

Shane didn’t argue with her. He watched her lead Jak back to the farm. Shane looked back out over the lake, searching once more for any sign of the wizard. When it started to get dark, he turned towards home, eager for a cold beer.


	58. 34

The next morning flew by as Kate and Shane fell back into their routine. Before long, the chores were done and they had another open day. And it was turning out to be a very hot afternoon.

“How about we go to the beach?” Shane suggested, holding Jak in his arms. “Jak’s gotta learn to swim sooner or later.”

Kate shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Come on. It’s hot as balls. We’re going to the beach.”

“Okay,” she agreed, hesitantly.

They walked down the dirt path into town, bumping into Pam just at the edge of the road. Her face was heavy as they approached.

“Shane,” she muttered.

“What’s going on?”

“Maybe you should-”

But it was too late. Kate already recognized the vehicle that waited just outside. Someone from the army was in town, and that could only mean one thing.

 

Kate’s heart raced as she pushed passed Pam and Shane, hurrying into the square. Evelyn and George stood just outside of the house as the man handed them a folded flag. Kate watched as Evelyn fell to her knees, sobbing loudly. She clutched at the tags around her neck as her throat closed up. Shane was at her side, pulling at her arm, speaking to her, but she could not hear him. The world spun rapidly and her stomach twisted sickeningly. She couldn’t stand there any longer. She needed to get away. So she started running until her feet splashed in the ocean and she heaved into the water. She fell to her knees and began to cry.

Shane picked up Jak who wiggled in his arms, reaching for his mother who had left him alone.

”Do you want me to take him?” Penny was at his side, her voice soft.

Shane looked around anxiously for Jas.

”They’re with Marnie,” Penny said, answering his question. “I brought them over when the men showed up.”

Shane shook his head. “I’ve got him,” he mumbled, turning away and heading to the beach.

Jak yelled when he saw his mother and Shane put him down, letting the little boy run to Kate. Kate let the boy crawl into her lap and she sobbed into his head. Shane watched from a distance before leaving her alone. He needed a drink, but he didn’t want to be anywhere in town at that moment. He kept to the river, hoping to stay out of sight, as he made his way back home where Jas greeted him enthusiastically.

”What’s going on?” she asked curiously. “Miss Penny said we had to stay here today.”

Shane nodded and cleared his throat. “What are you guys learning today?”

”Miss Penny said we had to read quietly, but Aunt Marnie said we could play with the chickens. Can we go outside and play?”

Shane smiled. “Yeah. Sure. But stick around here, okay?”

Jas and Vincent ran out of the house excitedly. Shane followed them as they made their way to the lake, jumping on the rocks.

“Be careful,” he warned. Shane watched as they played together on the shore of the lake until Penny made her way to them.

“Where’s Kate?” she asked Shane quietly.

“At the beach with Jak.”

“Why aren’t you with her?”

“She doesn’t need me bothering her right now.”

Penny didn’t say anything. She called to Vincent and he and Jas hurried to them.

“Time to go home, Vincent,” she said, taking his hand.

“Already?”

Penny nodded. “Mom wants you home.”

Vincent groaned as Penny pulled him along. He turned and waved to Jas before they disappeared down the road.

“Come on, Jas,” Shane said. “Let’s go help Aunt Marnie with the chickens.”

Jas followed Shane back towards the house. She hurried into the barn while Shane headed into the kitchen, grabbing a beer. He picked aimlessly at the label in between sips until he forgot why he was drinking.

 

*****

 

It was dark when Shane made his way to the farm to check on Kate. He hadn’t seen her all day, but when he made his way down the road, he found her sitting on the front steps. Without a word, Shane sat beside her. In her hands, she held Clara’s music box. Her fingers traced the lines etched carefully in the wood, wet spots marking where her tears had been. Jak played with Dusty in the tall grass, chasing the fireflies.

”What can I do?” he asked.

Kate shook her head. “Nothing. There’s nothing you can do.”

But there was. There had to be. He had to change things back. To make things right. His chest ached for her, suffering alone. Shane found her hand. It was cold. He held tightly.

”I wish I could change it,” he muttered.

”Me too.”


	59. 35

Shane let his feet dang over the dock, empties at his side. He finished off another beer and sighed. He just wanted to drown the guilt in his chest away. Being with Kate only made him feel worse. And he didn’t want to hang around too much, anyways. She was grieving over her husband. Alex. It was because of him Alex was gone.

“Shane?”

Shane turned to see Jas behind him. He smiled and patted the ground next to him. She sat, letting her bare feet swing in the air.

“Are you sad, Shane?” she asked innocently.

“What?” He hesitated. “Do I look sad?”

She nodded her head. “You always drink that icky stuff when you’re sad.”

Shane tried to shove the bottles out of her sight. “Oh.”

“Why are you sad?”

Shane shrugged. “I’m not sad, Jas.”

Jas nodded slowly. “It’s okay to be sad,” she said. “I’ll be sad with you until you want to be happy again.”

“I don’t want you to be sad, Jas.”

“I don’t want you to be sad.”

Shane smiled at the girl beside him. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll try.”

Jas met his gaze curiously. “Are you sad because of Alex?”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

“And because of Kate?”

“Why would Kate make me sad?”

Jas shook her head. “She’s sad. And that makes you sad ‘cuz you like her.”

“Well, of course I do. She’s nice.”

Jas giggled. “Noooo. You like like her.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Cuz I know. She makes you less sad.”

Shane looked out over the lake. “Aunt Marnie will be mad that you’re not in bed.”

Jas groaned. “I don’t wanna. I wanna stay here with you.”

“Go on. Get inside. I’ll come in shortly.”

“Okay,” she said, defeated.

Shane watched her hurry back inside the house. He turned back to the lake, finishing the last of his beer. He didn’t know if he’d ever find the wizard again. He didn’t know if things would ever go back to normal, or what normal was anymore. But this was real. And all he wanted to do was make things better for Kate. No matter what.


	60. 36

Kate and Shane continued to busy themselves on the farm. The morning passed by quickly as they worked quietly. They sat on the front steps, resting for a moment, watching Jak chase the chickens.

“How are you doing?” Shane asked.

“Fine.”

“You don’t have to be fine.”

Kate sighed. “It just… it doesn’t feel real. That he’s… gone.” She paused, not meeting Shane’s gaze. “He just still feels away. Like the war is still going on, and I’m just here waiting for it to all be over.”

Shane watched Jak throw dried corn at the chickens, giggling as they followed him around the farm.

“I don’t know how to feel right now.”

“You don’t have to feel anything.”

“I have to feel something.”

“Maybe you’ve just already accepted it.” Shane hesitated. “I mean, he’s been gone for so long. You’re used to being alone, now.”

“I’m just used to death.” Kate’s voice shook. “My daughter. My husband. This is just my life now.”

“Don’t say that,” Shane hissed.

Kate shook her head and looked at her feet. “I’m scared.”

Shane took her hand in his. “Nothing’s going to happen.”

She met his gaze, worried. “What if something does? To Jak? To the farm? To anyone here?”

“I won’t let anything happen.”

Kate turned away and focused on her son, but she did not pull her hand away. She always felt safe with Shane around. Maybe he was right. Besides, things couldn’t possibly get any worse.

*****

 

The nights were the worst, when Kate was alone, in the dark. The bed was so big and empty. She patted the empty spot beside her, encouraging Dusty to lay with her. The dog jumped onto the bed happily. He circled twice before laying down, letting his chin rest on Kate’s leg. His eyebrows raised as he looked to her and he sighed. Kate felt a little better with life beside her through the night.

She stared into the darkness. The tags around her neck felt cold on her skin. During the day, they felt unusually heavy, but she refused to take them off of her, even for a second. It was all she had left of Alex. That and his favorite jersey, which she slept in often.

Her eyes started to well and her throat closed up. She tried to swallow, but it felt like she was swallowing knives that were on fire, burning and ripping at her throat.

She turned over on to her side and picked up her phone. She scrolled through the contacts, but she already knew who she wanted to talk to. She paused over Shane’s name in the list, scrolled past it, then returned. No one else would be awake, anyway.

you up?

She put the phone next to her head and waited.

of course. you ok?

yes.

She hesitated before sending another text.

nights are the worst.

tell me about it.

are you ok?

yeah.

Kate stared at the screen, wondering what to say next, but another text came through.

want some company?

She hesitated. She really didn’t want to be alone. But she couldn’t ask him to come over, either. She needed to get through on her own. She needed to adjust to her new life.

dont worry about it

Shane didn’t text back. She rolled onto her back at stared into the darkness once more. Dusty sighed beside her. She scratched behind his ear and his tail wagged against her leg.

A soft knock made them both jump. Dusty hurried to the window, his front paws on the sill as he peered into the darkness. His tail wagged reassuringly as Kate hurried out of bed, shoving her feet in her slippers as she walked to the door.

Shane waved a chocolate bar in the air as the door opened and smiled. He pushed the bar into Kate’s hand.

“I said you didn’t have to,” Kate said.

Shane shrugged. “Not like I was doing anything else.”

“Maybe sleeping,” Kate said as Shane pushed by her. She closed the door quietly.

“Sleep’s over rated.” He let his body fall onto the couch and kicked his feet up.

Kate hesitated, staring at the chocolate still in her hand. Her favorite kind.

Shane patted the couch. Kate sat beside him and opened the wrapper. She couldn’t remember the last time she had chocolate. The aroma was calming. She broke off a piece and placed it on her tongue.

“Chocolate makes everything better.”

Kate smiled and shrugged as she took another piece. “It certainly helps.”

Shane bent over and scratched behind Dusty’s ear. “Why aren’t you taking care of our girl?”

The dog panted and wagged his tail. When Shane stopped, he looked at him with his puppy dog eyes, begging for more. And Shane obeyed happily.

“He’s pretty good company,” Kate said. “I had a nice cuddle buddy until you woke him up.”

Shane leaned back against the couch and crossed his arms. He watched Kate carefully. She finished the chocolate and tossed the wrapper onto the floor. Dusty sniffed at it for a moment before lying at Kate’s feet.

“Someone I know compared it to a pretty deep hole,” Kate said as she watched the dog snore.

“That guy sounds like a tool.”

Kate smiled. “Yeah, he kind of is.”

Shane hesitated. He didn’t want to see her lose herself like she did with Clara. He didn’t know if he could bring her out of that again. He leaned towards her and took her hand in his.

“There’s no hole,” he said.

Kate met his gaze. “What makes you think that?” she said softly.

“Because I’ve seen you in a hole. And I saw you get the hell out of that hole.”

“It was a pretty deep hole.” She hesitated, looking at her hands, still in his. “I couldn’t have gotten out of it by myself.”

Shane shrugged. “No one else helped you.”

“You did.”

Shane leaned back, pulling his hands away. “I just fixed a couple of fences.”

Kate turned her attention back to the dog at her feet. He rolled over onto his side and sighed. She nodded slowly to herself before meeting Shane’s gaze. “I’ll be okay.”

“I know. And I’m here if you ever need a fence fixed.” He smiled reassuringly.


	61. 37

The busy summer came to a quick end and fall brought the promise of an early winter. Shane continued to help Kate every day on the farm, preparing for the approaching winter. It had been almost six months since the war came to an end. Kate found herself easily sliding back into her usual routine, busying herself with the farm and watching Jak grow and learn.

When the first snowfall came, it brought with it a bitter cold, keeping everyone inside the warmth of their homes. Shane braved the cold winds to the farm to check on Kate. He knocked quickly on the door before letting himself in.

“Are you insane? It’s below zero out there.”

He leaned against the door, pushing it closed against the wind. He threw his bare hands under his armpits.

“Ugh. I know.” He shook the snow out of his hair. “Wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Smart enough to stay inside.”

“I’m going to check on the animals.”

“They’re fine,” Kate insisted. “I closed everything up last night. The heaters are going. They couldn’t be safer.”

“Ah. Of course. You know what you’re doing.”

Kate smiled. “I could use some more wood for the fire…”

Shane hesitated.

“I’m kidding,” Kate said, laughing at his expression. “Sit the hell down.”

“Shane.” Jak tugged at his hand. “I want to make a snowman.”

“I said no, Jak!” Kate yelled from the kitchen.

Jak crossed his arms and pouted.

“Tomorrow Jas and I will help you make the biggest snowman ever,” Shane assured him.

“You want some coffee?” Kate called. She dug through the cabinets. “Oh, I have whiskey!” She turned to Shane, holding a large bottle. “Whiskey makes everything warm and happy.”

“You should save that for when you run out of fire wood.”

Kate smirked at him. “Good thinking.” She put the bottle away and fell onto the couch beside Shane, sighing. 

“Really?” 

“Mhm. Life.”

“Tell me about it.”

Jak was sprawled out on the floor in front of them, kicking his legs in the air as he scribbled on the blank pages before him.

“I’m gonna draw you, Mama,” he said as he concentrated on his scribbles.

“Just make me pretty,” Kate said.

“That’s easy, Mama.” He pushed himself up and handed her a page.

Kate admired the drawing enthusiastically. “I wish I could draw like that.”

“You’re the one with the pink hair and Shane is next to you in the purple. Purple is my favorite crayon.” Jak was back to concentrating on his next picture.

“Oh.”

“Purple is his favorite,” Shane said, winking at Kate, but Kate did not find him amusing.

“What are you going to draw now?” Kate asked. She let the paper fall from her hand and onto the floor.

Shane watched the paper slide under the couch, his lips twisted to the side.

“I dunno,” Jak said, not looking up at them.

“How about Daddy?”

“I dunno what Daddy looks like.”

Shane watched Kate carefully from the corner of her eye. She was visibly upset.

“He’s a soldier, remember?” She was practically begging her son. “You know, like I told you? He’s a good guy.”

“I’m gonna draw Dusty.”

Shane stood abruptly. 

“Want to draw, too, Shane?”

Shane hesitated. Kate did not look at him. She stared angrily at her son’s drawings.

“Maybe next time,” Shane said quietly. “I have to go now.”

“Shane.”

Kate was standing now. Shane turned and met her gaze. She was smiling. She cleared her throat. “At least wait until the snow slows.”

Shane hesitated before sitting back on the couch. Kate sat on the floor beside Jak, leaning against Shane’s legs. She picked up the purple crayon and drew on Jak’s paper.

“I like purple, too.”

 

*****

 

Shane awoke to his phone vibrating in his pocket. He blinked groggily into the darkness. Kate sighed against him, asleep on his chest. Jak was sleeping soundly in her arms. He craned his neck to look out the window. It was dark, but he could tell by the light out front that the snow had slowed.

He looked at the bodies sleeping against him. A slight, orange glow flickered across their faces from the fire dying in the fireplace. Dusty snored quietly on the floor beside them. Shane carefully slid his arm out from under Kate’s head and dug in his pocket for his phone. The screen was blindingly bright. He squinted in the light. It was well after eleven o’clock.

Shane sighed. He didn’t want to wake them, and he really didn’t want to leave, but he felt that he should. He watched them sleep peacefully for a moment more before carefully twisting himself out from under them, waking Kate.

She looked up at him, her head still on his chest, and smiled, until she suddenly realized how dark it was in the house. She pushed herself off of him and blinked into the darkness. She rubbed her eyes.

“What time is it?”

“After eleven.”

Kate groaned quietly. “This couch kills my back.” She took Jak into her arms and brought him into his room.

“See ya tomorrow,” Shane said when she returned, his boots on his feet.

“Yeah,” she said softly. “See ya.”

Outside, Shane shoved his hands in his pockets. The snow fell slowly and silently on the sleeping town as he walked through the square. His boots crunched delicately in the snow, but he paused. There was another set of foot steps in the snow. He looked up as Sebastian made his way up from the beach. He stopped, surprised to see another person.

“Where are you going?” Sebastian asked.

“Uh, home.”

“Home? From where?”

“Saloon.”

Sebastian looked over his shoulder at the saloon he had already passed. He turned back to Shane, raising an eyebrow.

“Are you drunk?”

“Yes,” Shane said quickly. “Very drunk.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Well, home is the other way,” he said, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb.

“Right. I knew that.”

“You have a problem.”

“Yes. Yes I do. But that’s a problem I’ll deal with tomorrow.”

“Whatever, man.” Sebastian continued walking, disappearing into the darkness.

“I won’t say anything,” his voice said in the darkness.

Shane hesitated, looking over his shoulder, but he couldn’t see a thing. He trudged on in the snow towards home.


	62. 38

The snow and wind stopped early the next morning, and the afternoon sun warmed the air to a more tolerable temperature. Jas and Vincent played with Jak in the snow on the farm, rolling the start of the biggest snowman’s body they could with Shane’s help. Shane helped them stack each snowball on top of each other, then lifted Jak up to put on the snowman’s face, scarf, and hat. Jak made sure to give him the biggest smile he could out of the little rocks that he had. He placed the carrot nose carefully in the center of the snowman’s face and admired his work.

“Looks good,” Shane said, putting Jak down.

“What should we call him?” Vincent asked.

“How about Frosty?” Jas suggested.

“His name’s gonna be Bob.”

“Bob?” Jas said, scrunching her nose.

Jak threw his arms in the air. “Bob! Bob the Snowman!”

“I have a weird kid,” Kate muttered at Shane’s side.

Shane laughed. “Like mother like son.”

Kate narrowed his eyes at him. “Thanks.” She turned her back to Shane and took Jak’s hand. “Come on. I got hot cocoa inside for you guys.”

The three kids hurried inside, taking their seats at the table where the warm drinks waited. They giggled and played with the marshmallows, throwing them into each other’s drinks. Kate and Shane leaned against the counter. Kate handed Shane a mug.

“Extra, special, adult only cocoa,” she said happily. “For extra warmth.”

“That could be dangerous,” Shane said, taking the mug from her.

Kate looked at him over the brim of her mug as she took a careful sip. “Hm?”

“Cold nights, a little whiskey…” Shane met her gaze over the brim of her mug.

The steam from the cocoa caused Kate’s glasses to fog. She smiled behind her steamed lenses. Shane’s heart practically melted, as it usually did when she smiled at him.

“Stop it, Vincent!” Jas shouted.

Kate and Shane jumped as they turned their attention onto the kids. Vincent was throwing marshmallows at Jas.

“Really, Vincent?” Kate groaned. “Leave poor Jas alone.”

“She started it!”

“Did not!”

“She probably did,” Shane muttered into his mug.

“I heard that, Shane!” Jas scolded.

“Come on,” Kate said, pushing herself away from the counter. “It’s probably time to bring you guys home, anyway.”

They whined before finishing their drinks quickly. Shane and Kate helped them dress for the cold weather, guiding them through town to bring Vincent home. The afternoon was already getting dark as the four of them walked back towards the farm.

“Can we play again tomorrow?” Jas asked.

“You have class with Miss Penny tomorrow,” Shane reminded her.

Jas groaned and took Jak’s hand. “Do you think she’ll make us read again?”

“Will you read me the bear story?” Jak asked her.

Jas smiled. “Okay. But you gotta learn, too.”

“I can read three words,” Jak said, holding up three fingers.

“Well, at least he can count,” Kate said.

“He’s already doing better than you.”

Kate elbowed Shane hard in the side, almost knocking him backwards, but he caught his balance quickly.

“Careful,” Kate said, hurrying ahead of him. “Wouldn’t want the world to know a girl can kick your ass.”

“You probably could. I’ll be the first to admit that.”

Kate rolled her eyes and turned around, letting her guard down. Shane ran to catch up to her, wrapping his arms around her and picking her up off the ground. He spun her around before tossing her carefully into a snowbank.

Kate blinked, stunned, sitting in the cold snow. “Oh, now you’re asking for it!”

Shane’s laughter was cut short as a snowball nailed him in the leg. He spun around as Jas prepared another at her target.

“Oh, it’s on,” Shane growled playfully. He gathered a handful of snow in his hands, patting it together quickly as another one hit his back, this time from Kate.

“You wanna play?” She taunted. “Let’s play!”

Before Shane knew it, Kate, Jas, and Jak were pelting snowballs towards him. He threw his arms over his head, ducking and diving, to no avail. Jas and Jak ran towards him, pushing him into the snowbank.

“We win!” Jas shouted, jumping onto Shane’s chest.

Shane grunted, picking Jas and Jak up, one in each arm. “Not so fast,” he said as he tossed them into the snow. 

“We need back up!” Jas shouted. 

A blow to his side knocked Shane down into the snow beside them. Kate straddled him, pinning him to the ground, laughing.

“Now we win,” she said, her hands on her hips.

Shane sighed, defeated. “Okay, okay, fine. You win.”

“I’m sorry,” Kate said. “I didn’t hear you.”

Shane pushed himself up, wrapping his arms around her, and throwing her into the snow. “I said,” he started, pinning her. “I. Win.”

Kate looked up into his eyes, her breath caught in her throat.

“No,” Jas said. “We win, Shane!”

Shane cleared his throat and stood, pulling Kate up with him.

“I’m soaked,” Kate muttered.

“Yeah,” Shane said quietly. “Me too.”

“Come on, Jak.” Kate grabbed her son’s hand. “Let’s get some cocoa and dinner, hm?”

“Have one for me,” Shane said, winking at her.

Kate glared at him over her shoulder, but Shane caught her smile as she turned away. He watched as Jak lead his mother through town, towards home.


	63. 39

The cold, brutal winter proved to only feed into a cool and stormy spring. Kate and Shane got the spring crops planted as soon as they could but storms rolled in almost daily, keeping them from being able to do too much on the farm. The animals ventured out when the rain was soft, but sought shelter as soon as the weather got too bad.

The heavy storms kept Kate inside for most of the day. Shane had already helped her with the animals, so they spent the afternoon hiding from the rain, flipping through the tv channels until the power finally cut out. As the afternoon darkened into night, the storm raged on. Kate tucked Jak into his bed and returned to the couch with two beers in hand.

“I have frozen pizza,” she said happily. “But no way to cook it.” Her smile faded at the realization, apologetic.

Shane smiled. “It’s fine. I should get going anyway.”

Kate waved her beer in the air. “Uh uh. You’re not going out there. It’s a hurricane.” She took a sip. “Plus that just means you will be here first thing in the morning to fix those fences you skipped out on.”

“All part of your grand plan.”

Kate shrugged. “I’m a master of the weather.” She leaned in closely, lowering her voice. “But don’t tell anyone my secrets. I’ll have you zapped.”

Shane crossed his heart.

They sat in silence by the light of the candles as the thunder rolled, shaking the house. She let her head rest on Shane’s shoulder and sighed.

“Do you ever wonder how differently things could be?” Kate asked. “If I never moved here?” She paused. “I wonder if I’d still be stuck at that job with JoJa. Stuck in some shitty relationship.” She straightened. “In some parallel universe, there’s a Kate still stuck behind that desk.”

Shane shook his head. “I don’t think any universe exists where you’d be there. I think you’d always find a way out.”

“I could have moved somewhere else. Stayed in the city. Moved across the sea.”

“You’d never have Jak, though.”

Kate was quiet. “I’d never have to lose Clara. Lose Alex.”

“But would you trade that for the time you did have?”

“No,” she said softly. “But maybe, in another universe, I’d still have them.”

Shane was quiet.

Kate cleared her throat and turned to him. “What about you? What’s alternate you doing out there?”

Shane pinched his lips together. “Drinking?”

“Oh, come on, there’s gotta be something. Something you’ve always wanted to do. Something you think another Shane could be doing right now.”

“I used to want to play soccer.”

Kate raised her eyebrows and smiled. “Really?”

Shane nodded. “Maybe I’d be a pro soccer player. Making big bucks. Meeting girls.” He winked at her.

Kate laughed and leaned back against the couch. “Maybe. That sounds like a pretty good alternate universe.”

Shane shrugged. “Maybe. But I’d be missing out on a lot here. Like Marnie and Jas and you.”

“And me?”

“Well, someone’s gotta be here to help you out with the farm.”

“I guess we’re just where we’re meant to be, then.”

Shane remembered what the wizard had said. How things could change. How things did change. And there was no wizard to change things back. “I guess so,” he said quietly.

Kate shifted on the couch. Shane searched for her hand and pulled her closer to him. Their eyes met for a brief moment, hesitant.

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” Shane whispered to her.

Kate’s fingers found his cheek, brushing his skin softly. Her breath was warm against him. Shane’s lips met hers, softly at first, but she pressed into him, pulling at his shirt. They pressed harder into each other, their lips moving together. Their beer bottles dropped to the floor, beer spilling out, unnoticed by them. Shane pulled off his shirt, throwing it to the floor. Kate’s hands were against his warm chest, moving up his neck and into his hair as she pressed harder into him.

”Kate,” he muttered, but she pressed closer, her lips hard on his.

”Sh,” she whispered against his lips. “Don’t.”

Shane wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her on top of him as he lay back on the couch. He wanted to pull the rest of her clothes off, but feeling her in his arms felt too comfortable, too right. For that moment, she was safe, and she was his, and he didn’t want to ever let go.


	64. 40

Kate moved into the warm body beside her. The storm had cleared and the morning sun streamed through the window. Jak would be up any moment. An arm wrapped around her and she smiled.

“Alex?”

The body shifted and she bolted up right. She jumped off the couch and pulled her t-shirt on quickly.

“Shit.”

Shane looked blankly at her from the couch.

Jak called from his room.

Kate hesitated and cleared her throat. “Oh. Um. I have to…” She turned and hurried to Jak’s side.

Shane groaned and rubbed his face in his hands. He pulled on his clothes quickly, but Kate was back in the living room.

“I’m sorry,” Kate muttered.

“For what?” He growled, pulling on his shoes. “Thinking I was Alex?”

“Shane…”

“Forget it.” He stood. “It’s fine. This was a mistake.”

“Shane!”

“I’m just gonna go… fix the fences.” He opened the front door and froze.

“Shane.” Penny smiled at him, then hesitated, searching his face. “Is everything okay?”

Shane groaned and swore under his breath. Penny pushed passed him, stopping in her tracks as she found Kate in just her t-shirt.

“Oh…”

Kate blushed. “Um. Hi.”

Shane slammed the door behind him.

“What… what just happened?” Penny looked Kate up and down, then back to the door. “You… and him…”

“Let me… get dressed…” Kate disappeared into her bedroom, emerging minutes later fully clothed, bringing Jak into the kitchen with her. She sat him at the table and fished through the cabinets for his cereal.

“So,” Penny began as Kate sat across from her, putting Jak’s breakfast in front of him.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kate muttered.

“You guys slept together.”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, why not?” Penny pressed.

“Because I called him Alex,” Kate snapped.

Penny was quiet. “Oh.”

“He’s pissed.” Kate buried her face in her hands. “I screwed up.”

“Why do you think you screwed up?”

“Because I can’t sleep with Shane.”

“Why not?”

Kate looked to Penny. “What do you mean why not? He’s Shane. And I’m… a widow.”

“He likes you.”

“What? No he doesn’t.”

Penny raised an eyebrow at her friend. “Yes. He definitely does.”

“No…”

“Do you like him?”

“No!”

Penny leaned back in her chair, waiting.

“I… I love Alex.” Her throat tightened and her chest ached. “I love Alex,” she repeated.

“You’re allowed to,” Penny hesitated, “move on.”

Kate shook her head. “No. No. Alex was all I ever wanted. Alex. Not Shane.”

“You can try to deny your feelings, but you know they’re there.”

“You’re not helping, Penny,” Kate muttered.

“For what it’s worth,” Penny started. “Not that my opinion matters, but I think you guys are good for each other.”

“I’m a widow,” Kate hissed. “I can’t see anyone else. Not now. I can’t think about this.”

“Does he make you happy?”

Kate was quiet. She looked out the window. Shane leaned against a broken fence, staring at the pieces on the ground, lost in thought.

“I don’t know, Penny. I don’t know. What if it’s just rebound? I can’t let it be that. I can’t do that to him.”

“I think you’d know if it were rebound.” Penny shrugged. “You’re not that kind of person.”

“How did this happen? I shouldn’t have let it happen.” Kate groaned into her hands.

“But you did,” Penny reminded her. “Because you wanted it.”

Kate stood from the table. “I can’t.”

Penny was quiet. “Don’t worry about it right now,” she said. “Let things run its course. What’s meant to be will be, right?”

Kate sighed. She didn’t want to think about it. It was too complicated. She tried to push the events of the night out of her mind, but they kept creeping back as a reminder of how much she enjoyed it.

”You should get to work.”

”I don’t know if I can go out there,” Kate muttered.

”Well, you have to. You have a farm to run.”

Kate nodded. Penny was right. She had to move on and act like the mature adult that she was. But she just wanted to run away. To hide from her feelings… whatever they were.

Kate made her way outside, stopping at Shane’s side.

“Shane…”

“Don’t worry,” he mumbled. “You don’t have to deal with me today. I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Shane, stop.”

Shane met her gaze. “We don’t have to talk about this. Okay? Just forget it.”

Kate watched as he made his way into the barn, disappearing around the corner.


	65. 41

Kate focused her attention on weeding the crops, but her mind continued to drift back to Shane. She hadn’t seen him all morning. When she finished the chores, she searched the barn and the coop for him, but he was already gone for the day.

Kate found Penny outside with Jak, Vincent, and Jas. She smiled as Kate approached.

“Shane left,” she said simply.

“He said he had stuff to do today,” Jas said. “He left with Aunt Marnie when she brought me over.”

Penny met Kate’s gaze. “Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know,” Kate muttered.

“Maybe you guys just need some space.”

Kate sighed. “What are we learning today?”

“I can read this book,” Jak said excitedly, showing Kate his favorite book about the bears. “Jas taught me.”

Kate smiled. “Will you read it to me sometime?”

Jak nodded. “It’s my favorite.”

“Maybe it will be my favorite, too.”

*****

 

Kate found Shane at the lake that night. She stood beside him in the darkness. The crickets chirped in the weeds by the lake, breaking the silence of the night.

“I’m sorry,” Kate said softly.

Shane shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. It was my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t. I started it.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she said with a shrug. “You were drinking.”

“Me? You were, too. You totally jumped me. I was just trying to be nice so you wouldn’t feel guilty.”

Kate turned to him, her eyes wide, accusing. “You jumped me!”

Shane laughed. “It’s hard to remember, really.”

Kate turned back to the lake, unamused. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t?”

“Does it? Who jumped who? It still happened.”

“True.”

“I’m still sorry,” Kate hesitated. “For everything else.”

“Don’t be.”

Kate sighed. “I don’t know where to go from here.”

Shane met her gaze. “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. Do we talk about this? Do you want to talk about it?” She paused. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

Shane hesitated. “Talking sounds like a lot of work.”

Kate nodded. “Yeah. It does.”

“I’ve never been very good at the talking thing.”

Kate smiled and looked to her feet. “Yeah. Me neither.”

Shane sighed. “We should probably change that. We should give that talking thing a try.”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t do it for the hell of it.”

Kate met his gaze. “I didn’t think you were that kind of guy.”

Shane pulled her chin up to him. “I don’t want to be that kind of guy.”

Kate hesitated. “What kind of guy do you want to be?”

“The guy that makes you happy.”

“Really?” Her voice was just a whisper as she searched his eyes.

“If you want me to be.”

“Yes,” she whispered. “You do make me happy.”

Shane leaned back, raising an eyebrow. “You don’t have to say that if you don’t mean it, you know. I can handle rejection.”

“Shane…” Kate pulled at his shirt, bringing him closer. “Kiss me already.”

Shane leaned in, his lips brushing against hers, but hesitated. He searched her face, waiting for the moment to end, to be taken away from him. It had been so long since he had seen the wizard. Was this it? Was this his life now?

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, unwilling to let go. She reached for him, pressed her lips against his, pushing as close as she could to him. Her hands slid up his chest, under his shirt.

Shane’s heart raced, pulling in his chest, begging for her touch. He moved his lips against hers. His hands traced the edges of her body until they twisted in her hair.

“Kate…” Shane took her hands in his. He pulled her through the darkness. He fumbled with the door knob until they both fell through into the dark kitchen. Shane’s lips found hers once more as he guided her through the next door, closing it behind them. Their clothes dropped to the floor as they fell onto the bed, gazing into each other’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Kate said quietly.

Shane smiled. “Nothing. Nothing at all.” He let his fingers run down her cheek. “I love you, Kate.”

“Shane.” Kate hesitated, searching his eyes. She kissed his lips. He felt her smile against him. “I love you,” she said.


	66. 42

“Shane!” Jas knocked hard on the door before pushing it open. “C'mon, Shane, I’m gonna be late!”

Shane’s eyes flew open, meeting Kate’s. She smiled and slunk under the covers, hoping to keep hidden. Shane turned over carefully, poking his head out.

“Aunt Marnie will take you,” he said.

“Aunt Marnie doesn’t go the fun way like you do.”

He sighed. “Show her the fun way.”

“Shane,” she whined. “Get outta bed!”

Shane turned over and met Kate’s gaze. “I don’t wanna.”

Jas groaned. “Fine.”

Shane listened as the door opened.

“Bye, Kate.” The door closed.

“Damnit,” Kate muttered.

Shane laughed. “Don’t worry. She’s good at keeping secrets.”

Kate pushed herself up. “So, this is a secret?”

Shane hesitated. “I don’t know. Is it?”

Kate shrugged, climbed over Shane, and dressed quickly. Shane pushed himself up on to his elbow and watched her dress. When she finished, she leaned over him, inching closer to his lips, hesitating for a moment before smiling slyly, grabbing her phone from the night stand, and turning away from him.

Shane bit his lip and sighed as she scrolled through her messages.

I’ll give you this one night to act like a horny teenager, but don’t forget you left your kid with me.

“What’s wrong?”

Kate tucked the phone into her pocket. “Penny says hi and to pick up my damn kid.”

“Kate…”

“I’ll see ya later.”

Shane scrambled out of bed and grabbed her wrist, pulling her onto his lap and kissing her neck.

“Stop it, Shane,” she muttered, pushing at his chest. “I think you’ve had your fill.”

“Never.”

“Well,” she stood. “You’ll just have to wait until our next secret rendezvous. My house next time. I can’t keep dumping Jak on Penny.”

Shane took her hand in his. “I don’t want this to be some secret thing.”

“Secrets don’t stay secrets around here.”

“I know.” Shane hesitated. “I just…”

“What? Afraid what people might think? Since when do you care what anyone thinks?”

“I don’t.” His brows knit together. “This is just… complicated. And I don’t want to fuck it up.”

Kate smiled. “That’s usually my job.”

“Either way,” he said, standing. “Someone’s gonna fuck up.”

Kate kissed his lips, standing on her tip toes to reach him. “I don’t think so.”


	67. 43

“Thanks so much for taking care of him,” Kate said to Penny. “I’m really sorry I ditched him on you…” She blushed.

Penny smiled and rolled her eyes. “Just this one time. You deserved a night off.”

Kate laughed hesitantly. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Are you asking me how my sex was with Shane?”

Penny smiled. “You do have this glow about you…”

“Shut up,” Kate muttered. “Don’t say anything.”

Penny sealed her lips.

“I don’t even know what it is.”

“One night stand?”

Kate shrugged and smiled at her feet. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh?” Penny’s grin widened. “I’m not one to say I told you so, but…”

“Whatever.”

“He likes you.”

“Now who’s acting like a teenager?”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on. It’s cute. You guys like each other.”

Kate took Jak’s hand in hers. “We’re leaving now.”

“Just warn me next time.”

“Will do.”

Kate guided Jak outside into the afternoon. The air was cooler than usual for summer.

“Mumma, can we go to the park?”

Kate smiled down at her son. “Sure, kiddo. The day is yours.”

“Ice cream?”

“Maybe if you’re good.”

Jak jumped forward, letting go of Kate’s hand. “Shane, Shane, Shane.”

Kate looked up as Jak ran to Shane. Shane picked him up, groaning.

“You’re getting too big,” he said to Jak.

“Big enough for Moose?”

Shane met Kate’s gaze. “That’s up to Mum. But I won’t tell.”

Shane put Jak back onto the ground, who then bounded excitedly to Evelyn nearby, working on her garden.

“What are you up to?” Kate asked as Shane approached.

Without hesitation, Shane pulled her into his arms and pressed his lips against her for a long moment, taking her breath away. Her heart raced and her mind turned to mush until he let her go. She stared at him blankly for a moment, still in his embrace, aware that eyes were on them.

“What are you doing,” she muttered quietly. She looked passed him to Evelyn. Jak babbled on excitedly to her, but her eyes were on Kate. And she was smiling.

“Just thought I’d make this less of a secret.” He pulled away. “I will do anything for you. Anything to see you happy. That’s all I want. All I’ve ever wanted. Even if it’s not with me. I’m serious. Please don’t do anything for me.”

Kate searched his eyes. “I love you, Shane.”

His heart pulled to her in his chest, but he hesitated. She was all he wanted. She was right there, and suddenly, he was so afraid of losing her forever. He didn’t want to move; didn’t want the moment to end.

“I love you, Kate,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against her. “More than you could ever know.” He let his lips brush against hers and she pressed into him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, unwilling to let go, but she pulled away, and his heart sank.

She held her gaze on his and smiled. “I will never forget.” She squeezed his hand tightly.

Shane watched as her hand pulled away. Her fingers loosened their hold, unwrapping themselves slowly from around his. His heart felt like it stopped in his chest. He reached for her, begging her not to let go. He tried to tighten his grip, but her fingers slipped from his palm. He blinked, and Kate was gone.


	68. 44

Shane was alone in the forest, but he sensed a presence behind him. He turned to find the wizard watching him.

“What did you do?” Shane hissed, his heart racing. “Bring her back to me.”

“Is that what you want, Shane? Is that the change you want?”

Shane hesitated.

“Are you happy?”

Shane could feel his heart breaking slowly. Painfully. Screaming in agony. Yes, it shouted to him. Yes, yes, yes. “No.”

“No?”

“Evelyn and George lost their grandson. Alex was all they had left.” He turned away, looking over the lake. “Jak lost a father. Kate lost her husband. She will always love him.”

“She loves you.”

Shane shook his head. “I can’t do that to them. To her. Too many people suffered without Alex. I can’t let them go through that just to make me happy.”

“You deserve happiness.”

“Kate makes me happy. I want her to be happy. She doesn’t deserve to lose her husband.”

“Is that what you want? I can do whatever you want me to do,” the wizard reminded Shane.

“No. I can’t. I love her too much to see her suffer like that. I… I had my chance. That’s all I wanted.”

“You could have it forever. Until the end of your days.”

Shane shook his head. “I can’t.”

He turned to the wizard, but instead, Jas stood where the wizard stood. Her face was torn with sadness.

“Shane,” she said quietly. “Are you still leaving?”

Shane searched the forest and shook his head. “No, Jas. I’m not going anywhere.”

She ran to him and Shane hugged her.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”


	69. 45

Alex had breakfast made when Kate got up the next morning. He stood proudly by the table as she sat and sipped her coffee.

“I didn’t break them this time,” he said.

“You’re in a good mood,” Kate said.

Alex sat across from her, handing Jak his plate. “Should I not be?”

Kate shrugged. “I just know things haven’t been easy,” she said softly. “It’s nice to see you happy.”

“I am happy.”

“I know.”

Alex hesitated. “I talked to Harvey.”

“About?”

“Seeing a crazy doctor.”

Kate almost choked on her food. “Alex,” she muttered. “You’re not crazy.”

He shrugged. “I know. But,” he sighed. “Maybe I should. Maybe it will help.”

Kate stared at her eggs. “What did Harvey say?”

“He knows a guy in the city. Gave me his info.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll do whatever I have to do to make you feel safe.”

Kate met his gaze, biting her lip. “I don’t feel unsafe with you, Alex.”

Alex broke her gaze. “Well,” he started. “It could be good, anyway. I guess.”

“Yeah.” She finished off her eggs. “When do you start?”

“I made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.”

Kate nodded absentmindedly. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry for punching Shane, too,” he said quietly.

“Don’t apologize to me.”

“No. I plan on talking to him, too. But I shouldn’t have an issue with him. I over reacted.”

“Alex…”

“I don’t want to ruin your friendship with him.”

Kate hesitated. “What about your friendship?”

Alex shrugged. “He forgives me or he doesn’t. Not going to beat myself up over it.”

“You guys were friends.”

“I have other friends, too, you know. I’m not some loner like Sebastian. Give me a break.”

Kate narrowed her eyes at him. “Oh yeah? Like who?”

Alex shrugged. “Some guys in our unit.”

“Do you talk to them?”

“Yeah, actually. We’re getting together next week.”

“Oh.”

“Last time I saw them was just before we all came back. And, well, they pretty much all thought I was dead. So. You know.”

Kate nodded slowly. “Mhm.” She forced a smile. “Well, at least I don’t have to worry about you moping around with no friends.”

 

*****

 

Alex found Shane at the bar that night, sitting in his usual corner. He slid in the seat beside him and ordered a beer. Shane ignored him as Alex finished his beer quickly. He signaled Gus for another cleared his throat.

“I hope I didn’t break your nose,” Alex said simply.

Shane had almost forgotten. It felt like an eternity ago when Alex punched him. And it had really only been a couple of days. Everything else that happened was just some strange dream.

“You didn’t,” Shane muttered.

“Listen,” Alex began. “I know I can’t change the way you feel. But you can’t blame me. I don’t like it. And I never will.” He hesitated and sighed. “But I trust you. You took care of her, probably better than I could have done. And I’m grateful for that.”

“What do you want, Alex?” Shane said into his mug, finishing off his beer, trying to force the memories - the dream - out of his head.

“We’re cool.”

Shane stared at the counter. “I was so worried,” he said dryly.

Alex rolled his eyes. “Dude, I’m giving you permission to be friends with her. What more do you want from me?”

“I don’t need your permission,” Shane hissed, meeting his gaze. “You don’t own her.”

Alex groaned. “Stop being difficult, okay? I take back what I said. Besides,” Alex shrugged. “I know Kate would never go for you when she can have this.” Alex gestured to himself arrogantly.

Shane smirked. “There he is,” he mumbled. “I knew he wasn’t gone for good.” He turned to Gus, waiting for his next drink.

“I don’t expect things to be the way they were,” Alex said quietly. “But I just want things to be as normal as possible. For Kate and Jak.”

“Hmp.”

“I don’t expect your forgiveness, either. But I’m sorry for what happened.”

Shane shrugged. “Don’t be. I would have done the same thing.”

Alex turned away from Shane. They drank in silence for a moment.

“But for the record,” Shane said, looking into his empty mug, “If you ever touch her again… If you even look at her the wrong way…”

Alex turned to Shane, his gaze hard, and he stood. “Don’t think you can be some hero that swoops in to save her. It won’t happen again.”

Shane held his glare on Alex’s for a moment before turning back to his drink. Without another word, Alex paid his tab and left Shane alone in the bar.


	70. 46

Shane kicked at the rocks on the road as he made his way home for the night. As he neared the house, he saw a dark figure in the distance by the lake. His heartbeat quickened for a moment, considering the possibility that it was the wizard. He approached the figure, who turned out to be Kate, waiting for him

“I wondered when you’d show up,” she said when he got to her side.

“I guess I’m pretty predictable,” Shane muttered.

Kate shoved her hands into the pocket of her hoodie and shrugged. “Sorry. I’ll go.”  
  
“No. It’s fine. Stay.”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m glad you decided to stay.”

“I didn’t do it for you,” Shane stated.

“I didn’t think you did,” Kate said slowly. “Marnie and Jas need you here.”

Shane turned to her, but she looked out to the lake.

“It would have sucked not to see you again, though.”

”Yeah,” Shane muttered. “I really didn’t want to leave you, anyway.”

Kate was quiet as she looked over the lake, pinching her lips together in thought. “I just got the strangest sense of de ja…” She looked to Shane, her brows knit together.

Shane turned and met her gaze. “Vu?”  
  
Kate hesitated. “Yeah…” She had the feeling she had been there before, with Shane. Of course, she had stood there many times with him. But something was different about this. Something pulled at her heart. She just wanted to kiss him. To love him. To tell him she remembered.

”You know,” she started. “I had the weirdest dream last night…”

”About?”

Kate hesitated, then shook her head. “I don’t really remember much. Just that it all seemed so real… Like I was remembering some memory.”

Shane’s heart raced. He remembered. He remembered it all. “Oh.”  
  
Kate searched his face as memories that never happened came flooding back. Passionate kisses in the dark. Standing at the edge of the lake, just as they did now. Not memories; dreams. She cleared her throat and turned away.

”Doesn’t matter,” she said softly.

Shane turned his gaze back to the dark lake. He wanted to tell her everything, but it didn’t matter, now.

But something continued to pull in her chest. Kate wanted to tell him it was okay. She wanted it to be okay. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She felt it, as strongly as she loved Alex. In some distant, parallel universe, she had a life with Shane.

But that was not this world.

“Do you ever wonder how differently things could be?” Kate asked. “If we just changed one decision in our lives?”

_Kate’s fingers found his cheek, brushing his skin softly. Her breath was warm against him._

Shane hesitated. “Yes.”

“Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I never moved here. Probably still stuck at that job with JoJa.”

It was like a movie - his favorite movie - and he had memorized every line.

“I don’t think any universe exists where you’d be there,” he said. “I think you’d always find a way out.”

_Shane’s lips met hers, softly at first, but she pressed into him, pulling at his shirt._

“Maybe I’d move across the sea.”

“But then you’d never have Jak.”

_They pressed harder into each other, their lips moving together._

Kate was quiet. “I’d never have to lose Clara, either. Maybe in another universe, I’d have her.” She hesitated, then turned to him. “What about you? What’s alternate you doing out there?”

_Shane pulled off his shirt, throwing it to the floor. Kate’s hands were against his warm chest, moving up his neck and into his hair as she pressed harder into him._

_”Kate,” he muttered, but she pressed closer, her lips hard on his._

_”Sh,” she whispered against his lips. “Don’t.”_

_Shane wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her on top of him as he lay back on the couch. He wanted to pull the rest of her clothes off, but feeling her in his arms felt too comfortable, too right. For that moment, she was safe, and she was his, and he didn’t want to ever let go._

“I used to want to play soccer,” Shane forced out.

Kate raised her eyebrows and smiled. “Really?”

He shrugged. “Yeah. But I wouldn’t want that life. I’d be missing out on a lot here.” He hesitated. “Like Marnie and Jas and you.”

“And me?”

He met her gaze. “Someone had to help you out on the farm.”

Kate smiled. “I guess we’re just where we’re meant to be, then.”

“I guess so,” he said quietly. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

Kate reached for his hand, taking it in hers. She hesitated as his fingers interlocked with hers. She turned and started to pull away, but Shane held tightly. She stopped and turned to him.

 _Lie to me, he whispered_.

_I love you._

“You’re not a very good liar,” Shane said.  
  
Kate smiled at her feet. “Goodnight, Shane.”  
  
Shane watched as their hands came apart and Kate disappeared into the night.


	71. 47

Kate spent most of the morning alone on the farm, keeping herself busy with her usual routine. Jak was with Penny for the day and Alex was at his first therapy session. Kate was lost in thought as she worked, her mind drifting back and forth between Alex and Shane. It was close to noon when she made her way back to the house. She showered quickly and put on fresh, clean clothes, then busied herself some more around the house until Alex got home.

“How’d it go?” Kate asked Alex as he walked through the door. He threw his jacket on the floor, ignoring his wife, and sulked in the bedroom.

Kate hesitated in the kitchen, unsure whether to follow him or not. She poked her head around the corner and held her breath. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

Alex leaned against the headboard of the bed, tossing his pocket knife in the air, his brows knit together furiously.

“Nothing,” he growled, not meeting Kate’s gaze.

“Obviously something,” Kate said carefully. “Therapy is supposed to help, not make you grumpy.”

“I’m not grumpy,” Alex spat at her.

Kate stiffened in the doorway. “Okay,” she said slowly. “Sorry.”

Alex shook his head and rubbed his temples. The knife lay open beside him on the bed.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just stupid.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” he said through gritted teeth. “Don’t you think I did enough talking? ‘How does that make you feel, Alex?’” he said mockingly. “’And why do you think you feel that way?’ Christ. This is a waste of time.”

“Alex. He’s just trying to help.”

Alex stood abruptly. “No, he’s just doing his job so he can get paid. He’s a joke.”

“He’s a medical professional.”

“He’s wasting my time so he can get every penny.”

Kate sighed. “If you don’t want to do this…”

She dared a glance at Alex. His expression had softened. His eyes were distant and sad. Alex sat on the edge of the bed, suddenly exhausted.

“It’s just…” Alex hesitated, staring at the floor. “I don’t want to talk about anything. I just want to move on with my life. I don’t want to relive that shit.”

“Well,” Kate said softly. “He’s going to help you move on.”

“All he’s doing is making me realize how fucked up I am.”

“You’re not fucked up, Alex.”

“I can’t be the father I need to be for Jak. I can’t be the husband you deserve. I can’t take care of my own family.”

“You know that’s not true.”

Alex met her gaze. “What if things don’t get better?”

“They will, Alex.” Kate’s voice shook.

“You don’t know that.”

Kate sat beside him on the bed and took his hands in hers. “I do know, because I will fight for you. We will get through this.”

Alex pulled his hands away and stood. He turned to Kate, his gaze hard. “You know what he said to me?” Alex hesitated. “This… PTSD thing… I was basically doomed to get it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.” Alex turned away. “Something about some new studies, and veterans who suffer from… violent outbursts… more likely because of childhood abuse… some bullshit.”

“We don’t have to talk about this,” Kate said quickly.

“They’ll take you away from me if they think I’m a threat.”

“They won’t do that, Alex.”

Alex jumped as the front door opened. Kate peered around the corner as Jak hurried in, struggling to take off his shoes. Penny followed close behind, smiling to Kate as she met her gaze.

“He’s all yours,” she said to her as Kate made her way into the kitchen.

Jak looked passed his mother, smiling wide as he hurried over to Alex, who stood in the doorway. Alex stiffened as Jak wrapped his arms around his father’s legs, begging to be picked up, but Alex just turned away, closing the door behind him.

“Everything okay?” Penny asked quietly.

Kate picked Jak up and kissed his cheek. She brushed his hair out of his face as he stared at the doorway where his father left him.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly, invisible knives stabbing her repeatedly in her chest.


	72. 48

Shane slid carefully into the seat beside Alex at the bar. It had been days since he saw Alex or Kate. He looked over Alex; his eyes were red and he already looked trashed.

“You’re here early,” Shane muttered as Gus handed him a beer.

“Been here all day,” Alex said.

“Are we turning to alcoholism to avoid our problems?”

“You’re the expert.”

“I think you’ve surpassed my alcoholism.”

“What do you want, Shane?”

Shane hesitated. “Nothing. Just making small talk.”

“You’re watching me.”

“What?”

Alex turned to Shane, glaring at him. “You’re watching me,” he repeated. “Making sure I don’t fuck up.”

“I thought we moved passed this,” Shane mumbled. 

Alex finished his beer. “I need to know you’ll take care of them.”

“What?”

“If it comes down to it.”

“Alex…”

“Just take me out into the woods and shoot me.”

“Alex, you’re not a damn dog.”

“I need to know you’ll do it.”

“Do what? What the hell, Alex?”

“Whatever you have to do. If I fuck up. Don’t let me ruin their lives.”

“Alex -”

Alex pushed himself away from the bar and stood, swaying. “Give me a chance to make it better,” he said softly. “But as soon as anything happens, you do it.”

Shane watched Alex leave, then turned and stared at his beer. He considered following him but instead he drank his beer, finishing it quickly. He hurried out of the saloon, trotting down the steps and glanced down the road towards the farm. The road was dark and lifeless. He felt a chill run up his spine. He turned quickly and made his way home, suddenly exhausted.

 

*****

His fingers tightened on the grip of the gun. His arms were outstretched and steady as he took aim. He forced his breathing to slow as his finger moved to the trigger.

Alex held his gaze and waited. His heart raced in his chest, pleading for life.

Shane looked into his eyes one last time and pulled the trigger. He watched as Alex fell to his knees, his eyes wide as the bullet pierced his chest. Shane watched as the life left his eyes, glazing over before he collapsed to the ground in a bloodied heap.

The gun fell out of his hands as he stepped back in horror. It was done. He was dead.

 

*****

Shane bolted upright in bed, drenched in sweat and panting. He waited for his pulse to slow as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. When he was able to orient himself, he stumbled into the bathroom. He splashed cold water on his face and stood hunched over the sink as the dream flashed through his mind once more. He wouldn’t do it. He’d never do it. He wasn’t a killer. A murderer. Alex was.

Shane made his way back into his room and let his body fall onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow. He replayed the dream in his mind once more, suddenly realizing that it wasn’t Alex’s lifeless body that disturbed him the most. In his dream, he wasn’t Shane, pulling the trigger to the gun. He was Alex, watching himself die.


	73. 49

Shane didn’t sleep the rest of the night. His eyes were red when he finally rolled out of bed at the first sight of morning’s light. He threw his jacket on and walked groggily outside in his bare feet to the lake where he wiggled his toes in the cold water. He shoved his in his pockets and watched the water ripple away from him. He stayed there until Jas skipped out of the house, ready for another lesson with Penny. Jas trotted to his side happily with Marnie in tow. 

"You’re up early,“ Marnie said. 

"Couldn’t sleep,” he mumbled. 

“Anything you want to talk about?" 

Shane shook his head. 

"C'mon,” Jas said, tugging at Marnie’s hand. “We’re gonna be late!" 

Marnie smiled to Jas and followed her down the road, into town, leaving Shane alone once more. And he was still at the lake when Marnie returned. 

She stood at his side and sighed. "What’s eatin’ ya?" 

"Nothing." 

"Stop thinking about Alex." 

"I’m not.”

“Okay, tough guy." 

"He’s not okay,” Shane said quietly. 

“Shane,” Marnie started carefully. "He’s been through a lot. Give him time.“

Shane met her gaze. "What if he doesn’t get better? What if he hurts them?” He hesitated. “What if he hurts himself?" 

"Shane, you can’t get involved." 

"I’ve been involved since the day he left,” Shane muttered, turning back to the lake. “He asked me to take care of them… if he can’t." 

"If he can’t?" 

Shane shrugged. "If he goes crazy. If he goes off and kill himself. I don’t know.” He was growing angry. 

Marnie didn’t say anything. Shane looked to her, waiting for her words of wisdom, but she had none to offer him. 

“What do I do?” he asked helplessly. 

Marnie sighed. “I don’t know, Shane,” she said quietly. “Don’t let him kill himself.” She kissed her cheek and left him alone again. 

 

***** 

Shane ventured to the farm uneasily, but there was no sign of Alex. Kate was helping Jak bring a basket full of eggs to the house. She smiled as Shane approached and helped Jak put the basket carefully on the front steps. Jak waved energetically to Shane before chasing Dusty across the farm.

“Where’s Alex?” Shane asked carefully.

“Out with some friends,” Kate said.

“Friends? Alex has friends?”

Kate smiled. “Some guys from the army. They’re out in the city.”

“Army friends, huh?”

“Mhm.”

“How’s everything going?” Shane asked carefully.

“Fine.”

“Really?”

Kate met Shane’s gaze. “Yes.”

“You’ll tell me if it’s not fine, right?”

Kate turned away. “Alex is fine. We’re fine. He’s getting better. I can tell.”

Shane nodded slowly. “Good.”

“You don’t have to worry.”

“Well, I do. I worry about Alex, and you, and Jak.”

“I know.” She met his gaze. “I’m glad you guys are okay.”

Shane hesitated. “Yeah.”

“Alex will be fine,” Kate assured him. “He’s in therapy, now.”

“He is?”

Kate nodded. “He’s getting help.”

“Oh.”

Kate hesitated and tilted her head slightly. “What are you thinking?”

Shane hesitated. “A lot of things.”

“Talk to me.”

Shane shook his head. “Doesn’t matter.”

Kate picked up the basket of eggs. “Want to come in?”

Shane followed Kate inside, stopping short in the kitchen. On the table rested a gun with an empty magazine beside it.

“What’s that?” Shane’s voice was low as his pace quickened.

Kate followed his gaze to the weapon and hesitated. “Alex’s gun.”

“He just leaves it out for Jak to get his hands on?”

Kate took the gun and slid the magazine into place. She grabbed the case from the chair and carefully put the weapon against the velvet, closing and locking the latches.

“I left it out,” she said casually.

“What were you doing with it?”

Kate hesitated, staring at the case on the table. “I don’t know.”

Shane’s hand was on her wrist. “What were you doing?” he growled.

Kate turned away from him. “I was going to hide it.” She pulled her arm away from him.

“Hide it?”

“I just… I don’t…” Kate stammered. “I thought it would be best. Until he’s better.” She hesitated. “I hid mine already. But I had to wait until Alex was gone so he wouldn’t notice.”

“And what if he does?”

Kate sucked in a breath. “Hopefully he will understand.”


	74. 50

It was late when Alex got home. Jak was sleeping soundly and Kate was dozing on the couch, jumping when the door opened. She flicked off the tv and turned to Alex.

“I wondered when you’d get home,” she said.

Alex leaned down, kissed her head, then fell onto the couch beside her, kicking off his shoes.

“Sorry,” he said simply, draping his arm around her shoulders.

“No biggie. Have a good time?”

Alex shrugged. “Yeah. It was good to see them all again.”

“That’s good,” Kate said quietly.

Alex cleared his throat. “What did you do all day?”

“The usual.”

“Ah.”

Kate turned to her husband. “Have you talked to Shane lately?”

Alex narrowed her eyes at her. “Yes. Why?”

Kate shrugged. “He just seems worried.”

Alex turned away from her and stood. “Coming to bed?” he asked.

Kate hesitated. “Yeah, I guess so.” She stood and stretched, and Alex seized the opportunity to pull her into his arms.

“I kinda missed you today,” he said as he kissed her cheek.

“Only kinda?” Kate said playfully.

Alex shrugged. “I miss you all the time.”

“You just miss the sex.”

Alex looked to the ceiling in thought. “It has been a while.”

“We never really had much of a chance since you got back…”

“I guess we should change that.” Alex pressed his lips to hers.

“If you’re up for it.”

“More than up for it.”

 

*****

Alex was already at the saloon when Shane walked in. He took his usual seat beside him and ordered his usual drink.

“Did you say anything to Kate?” Alex mumbled, not turning to him.

“No,” Shane said simply.

“So why does she think you’re so worried?” 

“Maybe because you asked me to shoot you like a rabid animal,” Shane muttered into his mug. 

“If you don’t, I will.” 

“Stop,” Shane hissed. “This isn’t funny.” 

“No one’s being funny.” 

“Jeez, who died?” Gus said as he brought them each another beer. “I’ve never seen you guys look so angry.”

Alex and Shane both shot him angry glares. Gus raised his hands in defense. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. He made his way to the other side of the bar where Pam was calling for another drink.

“We’re not talking about this,” Alex said. 

“No,” Shane started. “We do need to talk about this. You can’t just dump Kate on me again.” 

“You didn’t seem to mind last time,” Alex shot back at him, narrowing his eyes. “What’s the matter, Romeo, don’t want to be her back up bitch?” 

“I swear to Yoba, Alex, I will knock you out.”

Alex snorted. “I’d like to see you try.”

“This isn’t about Kate,” Shane muttered. “This is about you and this idea you have of killing yourself.”

Alex shook his head. “I’m not going to kill myself. Not yet.” 

“Not ever. I’m not going to clean up your mess again.” 

“Fine,” Alex muttered. “It’ll be clean. Couple pills. Less dramatic.” 

“Do you hear yourself right now?”

Alex pushed his empty mug away. “It’s just easier to know things are taken care of if it comes down to it.”

“You will take care of things.” 

Alex didn’t say anything. He pushed himself away from the bar and left Shane alone in the saloon. 

Shane hesitated, finished his beer, then followed Alex out into the night. 

“I don’t know how to take care of things anymore,” Alex said as Shane made his way to his side.

“Give it time,” Shane said quietly. “Things will get better.” He hesitated. “They certainly can’t get any worse.” 

Alex bit his lower lip. “They probably could.” 

“Well,” Shane said with a sigh. “You don’t let it. You do it for Kate and for Jak. Don’t make them go through that again.” 

“Only if you hold up your end of the deal. As soon as I fuck up.”

“Well,” Shane started. “Don’t fuck up.”


	75. 51

Alex hardly spoke a word to Kate when he got back from his next therapy session. He stared blankly at the tv screen as Jak colored on the couch next to him. He showed his father his drawing of Moose, but Alex only glanced at the picture. 

"Jak,“ Kate said, hesitant. "Do you want to let the chickens out for the afternoon? I bet they’d love to eat the bugs in the field." 

Jak nodded eagerly. He hurried to put his shoes on and ran outside with Dusty on his heels. 

"You could at least pretend to show interest in your son,” Kate said, turning to Alex. 

Alex said nothing as he continued to stare off into space. 

"Will you please talk to me?“ she begged. 

Alex pushed himself off the couch and walked passed her. 

"Where are you going?” Kate asked as he headed for the door. 

"Bar.“

*****

 

Shane found Alex at the bar, just as Gus had said, drunk out of his mind. Shane pulled him out of his seat and shoved him out the door, nodding his thanks to Gus as they left.

Alex stumbled out into the street with Shane behind him. Shane grabbed his shoulder, steadying him, and turned him towards home.

“Why are you doing this?” Shane mumbled.

“’Cuz.”

“I thought things were going well?”

“No.”

Shane pulled Alex to a stop. “What’s going on, man? Do I need to take you into the woods?” His attempt at a joke only made himself sick.

“No.”

“Then what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. I can handle this. I’m fine.”

“Clearly.”

Alex sighed and met his gaze. “I don’t like talking about things.”

“Okay. We don’t have to talk.”

Alex snorted. “Tell that to my stupid therapist,” he said. He started to mumble to himself. “Stupid fucking therapist. I’m not crazy.”

“No one said you’re crazy.”

“They do things to crazy people,” Alex whispered, as if he were revealing some heavy secret. “They give them these zombie pills.”

“They’re not giving you pills, are they?”

Alex shook his head. “It’s only a matter of time. And then I’ll be gone forever.”

Shane pushed Alex’s shoulder forward and they began walking towards the farm once more. “You don’t need any pills.”

“I don’t want pills,” Alex muttered. “I know I’d do something stupid. Everything I do is stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Shane said carefully.

“I did this to myself. I’m the reason I was caught. Tortured. Almost killed.”

Shane hesitated. “What are you talking about?”

“Six months I was their prisoner, you know. You know what they do to their prisoners?”

“Do I want to know?” Shane muttered.

“No. No, you don’t. I almost died. All because Kent almost killed our whole fucking unit. I saved those dumb bastards, you know. Me. I did.”

“Okay, Alex.”

Alex stopped abruptly and grabbed Shane’s wrist. He glared into his eyes, fuming.

“Kent was going to get them all killed. I wouldn’t let him. I stayed back. I saved them. And I got separated. Captured. Tortured. I just wanted to die.”

“Alex…”

“They all lived because of me. Well, those who didn’t follow Kent on his suicide mission. Almost all of them died.”

Shane didn’t say anything. Alex let go of his wrist.

“They lock you up in this dark room. You can’t see shit. It’s fucking quiet as hell. You’re alone. Stuck there for days, weeks at a time. And when they do let you out, it’s not for fucking tea and cakes. They want answers, and they beat you down until you’re fucking crying like a bitch. You know what they’re favorite method of torture is? Electric shock. And it’s not some gradual shit. They just fucking give it to you. They cut off fingers. They put you in this thing where you can’t breathe. They threaten and lie. Sometimes, you hallucinate. You see things in the darkness. You hear things in the silence. They drug you. You see people. You see things that don’t make any sense. You see them killing the people you love.”

A tear rolled down his cheek as het met Shane’s gaze.

“I can deal with the nightmares,” Alex said quietly. “I always wake up from those.”

Shane cleared his throat. “I thought your therapist was supposed to help you…”

Alex turned away. “Yeah. He thinks the more I talk about it, the better it will be.” He burped into the night and sighed.

“It doesn’t help?”

“Does it look like it helps? I come home after being forced to relive all that and I just want to die.”

Shane pinched his lips together. “You can’t drink this away every night.”

Alex shook his head. “Kate can never know.”

Shane hesitated. “I won’t say anything to her.”


	76. 52

Jodi brought Kate a cup of coffee and sat across the table from her. Kent and Sam were out for the day, Vincent was with Jak and Penny, and Alex was at another therapy session. The house was quiet without the boys, but it was just what Kate needed. And talking to an experienced army wife seemed even more valuable.

“I didn’t think it would be this hard,” Kate said softly into her mug. She stirred the coffee aimlessly with her spoon, watching the cream swirl and mix with the dark coffee.

“Every time he leaves, I think it will be easier when he comes back,” Jodi said. “It isn’t.”

“He seems to have it together,” Kate said.

“It’s a wall he’s built up. He’s gotten better at it. For Vincent. But it’s not healthy. He hardly lets anyone in.”

“That’s how it is with Alex.” Kate hesitated. “Except he does it for himself. Some days, it’s like Jak and I don’t even exist.”

“Kent was like that, too, at first.”

“I wish I knew what I could do to help him.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Jodi said. “Except try to understand. Try to be there for him. Try to see what sets him off, what hurts him, what triggers him, and avoid those things.”

“I wish I knew what happened out there…”

Jodi shook her head. “You’re probably better off not knowing.”

“But if I knew,” Kate started, “I could help him.”

“Knowing won’t help him. Right now, he’s more worried about you and Jak.”

Kate met her gaze. “You think so?”

Jodi nodded. “I know so. He’s worried about a lot of things. That he can’t be the father he needs to be for Jak. That he can’t be the same husband he was to you. He knows when he’s doing something wrong, but he can’t help it. There’s a war in his head and he doesn’t know if he can win it.”

“He can win it,” Kate said softly. “He has to.”

“I think he will,” Jodi said, sipping from her mug. “He’s stronger than he even realizes. He will get there. It will take time. He needs to heal. But he will come back.”

“How can you be so sure? I’ve done nothing but research. I’ve read books and articles. Horror stories of guys who are never the same…” Kate’s voice shook. “I don’t want to lose him.”

“That’s the unfortunate reality in some cases,” Jodi said carefully. “But Kent comes back to me every time. And Alex will, too. I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t believe it. He’s been through a lot in his life, and I’ve seen him come out of some dark stuff. He will come out of this, too.”

 

*****

Kate walked with Shane to the library that afternoon. The sky threatened with rain and the air brought the promise of another winter. Kate pulled her hoodie tightly around her as the breeze found it’s way in through old, worn fabric.

“How’s Alex today?” Shane asked casually.

“He seems to be okay.”

Shane met her gaze. “How are you?”

Kate forced a smile. “I’m okay.” She hesitated. “I talked to Jodi today.”

“Oh?”

“You know. To see how she does it. Being an army wife and all.”

“At least you have someone who understands your situation,” Shane commented.

Kate nodded. “He’ll get through this.”

Jak and Jas bounded up to them, zipping up their jackets in the process. Kate smiled to her son as she took his hand.

“What did you learn today?” she asked him as they walked towards home.

“I can sing the alphafet-”

“Alphabet,” Jas corrected him.

Jak ignored her. “- and I can count to twenty and onety-one isn’t a real number and someday I’ll count to a hundred and yellow and blue make green isn’t that weird?”

“Did Miss Penny load you up on sugar?” Kate muttered.

“What else, Jak?” Shane asked, egging him on with a sly smile.

“One plus one is two because I can put one finger here and one finger here-” he demonstrated the math, holding two fingers together, “- and that makes two fingers.”

“Tell them about the book!” Jas said excitedly.

“Oh! I can read this whole book by myself! Once upon a time there was a little bear… Can I read it to you tonight?”

“Oh, dear Yoba…” Kate rubbed her temple as she and Shane split ways.

“Have fun tonight!” Shane called over his shoulder.

Jak pulled Kate excitedly into the house where Alex was already home. Kate hesitated in the doorway as Jak ran to his father. Alex picked him up happily and kissed his head.

“Mumma said I could read my book. Will you listen to my book?”

“Yeah, man,” Alex said. “Is it a good book?”

Jak showed the pages to Alex. “This is my favorite book. It’s about a daddy bear and a baby bear.”

Alex carried his son onto the couch, putting him in his lap as he flipped to the beginning and began to read.


	77. 53

Alex let himself fall onto the couch, exhausted. He had just gotten home from another therapy session after working outside all morning, preparing the farm with Kate for winter. He had started to lose count of those one hour sessions. Some were better than others, and while the afternoon wasn’t one of his worst, he wasn’t feeling as good as he wanted to be. His head pounded, and he just wanted to take a nap.

But the nightmares hadn’t disappeared from his life, and he was exhausted from long, sleepless nights. A quick nap should have been good for him. But just as they did at night, the dreams haunted him, and he awoke not more than a half an hour later, his heart racing. He pushed the images aside, something he had gotten better at doing, and made his way into the bathroom to cure his headache.

Alex stared inside the medicine cabinet. He just wanted something to make the pain go away. He let his fingers run over the various bottles until he found what he was looking for. He twisted open the cap and dumped the pills into his palm.

Jak poked his head into the bathroom, smiling at his father. “Daddy? Mommy said I could ride Moose today.”

Alex turned his gaze to his son. “Oh, yeah? Or are you just making stuff up?”

Jak giggled. “No, for real, Daddy. Ask her yourself!”

Alex let the pills drop back into the bottle until there were only two in his hand. He popped them into his mouth, secured the bottle, and closed the door.

“All right,” he said. “Go put on your boots and I’ll let you ride around the farm.”

He followed Jak as he hurried into the kitchen, sliding on his boots and waiting patiently at the door.

“Jak!” Kate shouted from his bedroom. “You’re cleaning up this mess!”

Jak’s smile disappeared quickly. His gaze shot to his father, guilty.

“Hurry, Daddy,” he said, motioning with his hand.

Alex crossed his arms. “Were you supposed to clean your room?”

“Um, I don’t know…”

“Tell me the truth, Jak.”

He hung his head. “Yes.”

“Well, we better hurry before Mum finds us and yells at us.”

Jak bounded out of the door excitedly, dragging his father behind him and across the farm towards the barn. Moose was grazing quietly in his paddock. He nickered to them as Jak and Alex approached. Alex leaned against the fence as Jak hurried to the barn, grabbing the halter and lead rope just as his mother taught him. He approached Moose carefully, cooing to the horse and patting his neck. Moose waited patiently as the boy snapped the halter over his head. He hung his head low as the boy lead him across the paddock to where his father waited.

Alex lifted Jak onto Moose’s back and took the rope, leading Moose slowly around the farm. Moose sighed and snorted as they took their leisurely walk, stopping to grab a snack on the way.

Kate watched from the steps as Alex walked the horse and boy towards her. She crossed her arms as they approached with guilty faces.

“Of course you would be in on this,” she said to Alex.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Alex said with a sly smile on his face.

Kate patted Moose’s neck and narrowed her eyes at her son. “You’re cleaning your room after this, boy.”

“Okay,” Jak said, hanging his head. “But can we go to the forest first?”

“Up to Dad,” Kate said, turning to Alex. She kissed his cheek and made her way back into the house.

“All right, kiddo,” Alex said. He clucked to the horse, encouraging him forward once more. “One quick walk around.”

Alex guided the horse around the lake, just as he promised Jak, letting the boy catch the frogs that hid in the old, rotted tree stumps before they made their way back to the house. They found Jas and Shane just on the other side as the lake as they passed. Jas hurried to Moose, holding a carrot out in her palm in front of him. Moose took the carrot happily, crunching it between his teeth.

“When are you going to get your own horse, Jak?” Shane asked.

“Don’t give him any ideas,” Alex muttered. “We’ve got enough to take care of over there.”

“I want a Moose, Daddy!”

“No more animals.”

“Please?”

“Oh, come on, Alex,” Shane said. “Give the kid a pony.”

Jak crossed his arms. “Ponies are for girls.”

“Fine, I’ll take it,” Jas volunteered. She turned to Shane and gave him her best smile.

“No ponies,” Shane said, crossing his arms. “Go ride the cows.”

Jas rolled her eyes. “You can’t ride a cow, Shane,” she said, as if it should have been an obvious fact.

“Go inside for dinner,” Shane said. When she disappeared into the house, Shane turned back to Alex.

“What?” Alex asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Nothing.”

“Are you waiting for me to give up?”

Shane shrugged. “Nah. Seems like you’re past that.”

Alex hesitated. “Sometimes I think so.”

“That’s something, isn’t it?”

Alex turned to his son and smiled. “It’s enough.”


	78. 54

The winter started off quietly. The days were cold, but it hardly snowed, giving the old fences some relief from their usual heavy winter burdens. The animals continued to venture outside, enjoying the warm sunlight until it was too dark to see. Without much to do on the farm, Kate busied herself with Jak. When he was in class with Penny, she and Alex ventured into town, visiting Evelyn and George or hanging out at the saloon with Shane. And on the days where Kate was alone, Alex off at therapy, she spent time catching up with Leah and Maru, or meeting Jodi for coffee where she had found comfort in her company.

Alex had shown signs of adjusting to his old life. The nightmares seemed few and far between, and he spent more time than ever with his son.

One afternoon, Kate returned home from having coffee with Jodi, only to hear wild laughter coming from inside the house. Kate closed the door cautiously behind her as the laughing men turned to greet her.

“Oh,” she said slowly at the strangers. “Hello.”

Alex emerged, smiling.

“That’s Kate!”

The men raised their beers.

“She’s way out of your league, man,” one of them said to him.

“Let me know when she’s sick of your ass.”

“How do you put up with him?”

Kate smiled. “He’s pretty useful around here.”

Some of the men laughed sharply.

“Useful? He was never useful out on the front lines.”

“He was pretty useful saving your ass.”

They slapped Alex on the back and raised their drinks.

Kate hesitated and met Alex’s gaze.

“Boy, this kid’s got some stories,” the older looking one said to her. “I bet you’ve heard ‘em all.”

“Oh. Well…” Kate started.

“I don’t have stories,” Alex muttered.

“No one comes back from those shadow bastards,” another man said.

“Once your captured, that’s it. No one gets out alive.”

“I don’t know how he did it.”

“When you know no one’s looking for you, you get creative,” Alex hissed.

“We don’t go after POWs, especially when they’re in the hands of the shadows. That’s suicide.”

“It was suicide saving you all, but I did it anyway.”

The room fell silent for a moment.

“Kent was the one that found your tags,” one of the men muttered.

“Said you were dead.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “Like the rest of his unit.”

Another man cleared his throat. “I think we need more beer.”

Kate shifted uneasily on her feet. “As long as you don’t clean out my fridge,” she said, forcing a smile.

“Ah, no worries, we brought plenty.” They cracked open another case.

“I heard they favor electric shock.”

“I bet it’s a kink.”

“Alex won’t admit it, but I bet he liked it.”

“That’s enough,” Alex muttered.

“Yeah, come on guys, not in front of the wife.”

“He’s got the scars to prove it.”

“On his nipples.”

They erupted into laughter.

“Okay,” Kate started. “I’m going to go… pick up Jak now.”

“Look, you upset her.” One man punched another in the arm.

“Come on, assholes. She wouldn’t understand our sense of humor.”

“That’s how we deal with bad shit.”

“Nice meeting you guys,” Kate said, sliding out of the front door. She hurried down the front steps as Alex chased her out.

“Kate, wait.”

Kate turned to him, hesitant. “Don’t worry about it. You guys have fun. I’ll be home later. When they’re gone.”

“They’re leaving.”

She shook her head. “It’s fine. Have fun.”

Kate made her way to the library. It was still early to pick up Jak, so she waited alone by the river, pulling her jacket close around her. She sensed a figure standing at her side, but she did not turn to him. She blew into her hands and shoved them into her pockets.

”They make this thing called gloves,” Shane’s voice said to her.

”They also make strap ons. Grab a pair.”

”Where’d you get yours?”

Kate turned to him and smiled. “I was born with ‘em.”

”Snap.”

”Did you just say snap?”

Shane shook his head. “Sorry. No balls.” He paused. “So, why are you standing out here in the cold?”

Kate shrugged. “Alex has some army buddies at the house. They’re kind of obnoxious.”

”Only kind of?”

”They have a weird sense of humor,” she muttered. “Didn’t feel like hearing war stories.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought I wanted to know what happened to him.” Kate hesitated. “I don’t think I want to, now.”

“Probably not.”

Kate turned to him, studying him. “Do you know?”

Shane looked away and shrugged.

“Did Alex tell you?”

“He was drunk,” Shane said. “Probably just making shit up.” Shane could feel her gaze on him, but he didn’t turn to her.

“What did he say?”

Shane sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I thought you didn’t want to know?”

Kate turned to stare at the river. “Should I be worried?”

Shane hesitated. “No,” he said slowly. He met her gaze. “He’s okay.”

 

*****

Alex stood in the doorway as Kate slipped into her t-shirt that night. Alex’s friends were long gone, Jak was in bed, and Kate was exhausted.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he muttered.

Kate turned to him, hesitant. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. They should have kept their damn mouths shut.”

“Was it true?” she asked.

“Yes. The Shadow People are kinky and I liked it.”

Kate narrowed her eyes at him.

Alex sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I never told them what happened. They don’t need to know. And neither do you.”

Kate nodded and sat on the edge of the bed. “But are you okay?”

Alex sat on the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms. “I think so.”

“You think so?”

“Better than I was six months ago. Isn’t that enough?”

“Not enough. But it’s a start.”

“A start is all I needed.”


	79. 55

Spring brought Kate and Alex the promise of a new beginning. Life returned to the farm once more, for another year, keeping them both busier than ever with new crops and new animals.

With the war now just a distant memory, Pelican Town was back to normal, whole once more, just as it was meant to be. Penny continued to teach Jas, Vincent, and Jak, bringing them to the farm often to teach them about the animals and the crops. And the adults continued to spend their evenings at the saloon, in the company of their friends, where they toasted to good health, good friends, and good fortune.

*****

Shane and Alex talked quietly amongst themselves outside of the saloon. The afternoon was slowly turning to dusk as they waited for Kate to return from the beach with Jas and Jak.

Jak hurried to his father, jumping onto his back and wrapping his arms around him. Alex hoisted him up onto his shoulders, taking secure hold to his son’s legs as he waved to Jas and Kate, coming across the bridge.

Kate kissed her husband’s cheek while Jas hurried to Shane’s side, showing him the shell she found on the beach.

“See you tomorrow,” Shane said to them. He watched as they made their way down the road, Kate and Alex hand in hand. Alex turned to her and kissed her as Jak stuck his tongue out playfully. Kate smiled the way she always did when she was truly happy. The way she did on her wedding day. The way she did in his arms. And the way she did now, walking home into the sunset with her family.


	80. 43 b

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Surprise Alternate Ending! **

“Thanks so much for taking care of him,” Kate said to Penny. “I’m really sorry I ditched him on you…” She blushed.

Penny smiled and rolled her eyes. “Just this one time. You deserved a night off.”

Kate laughed hesitantly. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Are you asking me how my sex was with Shane?”

Penny smiled. “You do have this glow about you…”

“Shut up,” Kate muttered. “Don’t say anything.”

Penny sealed her lips.

“I don’t even know what it is.”

“One night stand?”

Kate shrugged and smiled at her feet. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh?” Penny’s grin widened. “I’m not one to say I told you so, but…”

“Whatever.”

“He likes you.”

“Now who’s acting like a teenager?”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on. It’s cute. You guys like each other.”

Kate took Jak’s hand in hers. “We’re leaving now.”

“Just warn me next time.”

“Will do.”

Kate guided Jak outside into the afternoon. The air was cooler than usual for summer.

“Mumma, can we go to the park?”

Kate smiled down at her son. “Sure, kiddo. The day is yours.”

“Ice cream?”

“Maybe if you’re good.”

Jak jumped forward, letting go of Kate’s hand. “Shane, Shane, Shane.”

Kate looked up as Jak ran to Shane. Shane picked him up, groaning.

“You’re getting too big,” he said to Jak.

“Big enough for Moose?”

Shane met Kate’s gaze. “That’s up to Mum. But I won’t tell.”

Shane put Jak back onto the ground, who then bounded excitedly to Evelyn nearby, working on her garden.

“What are you up to?” Kate asked as Shane approached.

Without hesitation, Shane pulled her into his arms and pressed his lips against her for a long moment, taking her breath away. Her heart raced and her mind turned to mush until he let her go. She stared at him blankly for a moment, still in his embrace, aware that eyes were on them.

“What are you doing,” she muttered quietly. She looked passed him to Evelyn. Jak babbled on excitedly to her, but her eyes were on Kate. And she was smiling.

“Just thought I’d make this less of a secret.” He pulled away. “I will do anything for you. Anything to see you happy. That’s all I want. All I’ve ever wanted. Even if it’s not with me. I’m serious. Please don’t do anything for me.”

Kate searched his eyes. “I love you, Shane.”

His heart pulled to her in his chest, but he hesitated. She was all he wanted. She was right there, and suddenly, he was so afraid of losing her forever. He didn’t want to move; didn’t want the moment to end.

“I love you, Kate,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against her. “More than you could ever know.” He let his lips brush against hers and she pressed into him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, unwilling to let go, but she pulled away, and his heart sank.

She held her gaze on his and blushed. Jak bounded back to her side, tugging at her hand. In the distance, someone whistled playfully. Penny, Pam, and Gus stood outside the saloon.

Kate cleared her throat. “We’re on our way to the park,” she said, shifting on her feet. “Come or be ridiculed.” She winked at him.

Shane sighed loudly. “Yup. I’m coming.”

Kate let Jak pull her down the road toward the park where he hurried onto the jungle gym.

“Regret that yet?” she asked playfully as she leaned against the fence.

Shane wrapped his arms around her. “Never.”


	81. 44 b

Shane pulled Kate closer to him, wrapping an arm securely around her. He nuzzled her neck gently as her fingers interlaced themselves with his.

“At least Jas can’t find us here,” Shane murmured. 

Kate shifted and sighed. “No,” she started. “But Jak can.”

“Guess it doesn’t matter now.”

Kate rolled over and met his gaze. “Everyone knows now.”

Shane rolled his eyes and groaned. “Yeah, why did I do that?”

Kate pushed herself up on her elbow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Shane scrunched his nose in disgust. “I don’t do that PDA thing.”

Kate laughed. “A little late for that, Romeo.”

“Just trying to prove a point. You didn’t like it?”

Kate lay back on the bed and let her fingers trace shapes into his chest. “It would have made a sappy perfect ending to a chick-flick.”

“That’s what I was aiming for.” He hesitated. “But don’t hold me to any high expectations. No romantic outbursts. No serenading in the night. That’s it. I hit my quota. Used up my whole romantic side with that.”

Kate smiled and swung her legs over the side of the bed. “Ah,” she said simply. “Do I at least get flowers once in a while?”

“Can I pick them from outside the house?”

Kate stood and put her hands on her hips. “Evelyn gave me those!”

Shane thought about this for a moment. “The forest?”

Kate rolled her eyes and left him alone in bed.

“Can I borrow some money to go to Pierre’s?” Shane called to her. When she didn’t respond, he hurried out of bed and into the kitchen. Kate stood with her arms crossed, admiring the bouquet on the table.

“So, how much did those cost me?” she asked, turning to him.

Shane shrugged. “Nothing at all. Some fairies must have dropped them off.”

“You’re a fairy,” Kate muttered.

Shane pulled her into him. “What? Don’t like ‘em?”

Kate pinched her lips together. “They’re all right.”

“Damn,” Shane muttered. “You are hard to please.”

Kate laughed and kissed him. “You’re using up all that romance.”

“I know,” he said through his teeth. “I should save that for when I’m in trouble.”

Kate pushed his chest playfully and made her way into the kitchen, prepping the coffee maker. Jak emerged from his bedroom, still in his footie pajamas, and sat himself at the table.

“Shane, can I have some toast?”

“I’m not your mother,” Shane said.

Jak stared at him blankly. “Why are you here?”

Shane met Kate’s gaze before turning back to Jak. “To make you some toast?”

Jak smiled and swung his legs. “Okay.”

Kate giggled to herself as she poured two cups of coffee.

“How long until he realizes I’m not his toast bitch?” Shane said.

Kate elbowed him in the ribs. “He’s going to expect you every morning now.”

“That could be arranged.” Shane kissed her forehead as she handed him a mug.

“Yuck.”

Shane narrowed his eyes at Jak. “That’s enough from the peanut gallery.”

Jak giggled. “Toast bitch!”

“Jak!” Kate shot a glare towards Shane who doubled over in laughter.

“I love that kid,” Shane said. 

Kate hesitated. “Yeah?”

Shane met her gaze. “Yeah.”

Kate crossed her arms. “You’re a terrible role model.”

“The way it should be.”

“Don’t say that word, Jak,” Kate scolded him. She served him his toast. “Eat that and be quiet.”

“Mother of the year,” Shane said sarcastically.

“Drink your coffee and shut it,” Kate hissed to him.

“Girlfriend of the year.”

“Oh yeah? I’m your girlfriend?”

“Is that what the kids call it these days? I thought this was just a one night stand.”

“So, why are you still here?”

Shane shrugged. “Toast bitch.”

“Toast bitch loves me,” she teased, batting her lashes at him.

“Oh,” he groaned. “Yeah. I forgot about that. Romance hangover.”

“Caught in the moment yesterday? Looking to take it all back?”

“Can I?”

“Jak’s gonna be upset if you don’t give him his toast tomorrow morning.”

He sighed through his teeth and pondered for a moment. “Guess I gotta stick around. For the kid.”

Kate leaned against the counter and smiled. “For the kid.”


	82. 45 b

Kate gripped the sides of the toilet, panting as a wave of de ja vu washed over her. It felt like only yesterday when she ran in from her chores, vomiting into the toilet, unaware that she would never give birth to her second child. She stood, splashed her face with cold water, and quickly brushed her teeth. She stared into the sink, knowing all too well what was happening to her, but she needed to be sure. Jak was with Penny, and she left Shane in the barn. She could go to Dr. Harvey and back before he even noticed. She hurried out of the house, looking both ways, making sure Shane wasn’t around, and hurried down the road towards Dr. Harvey’s office.

Maru greeted her from behind the front desk when she walked through the door.

“I need to talk to Dr. Harvey,” Kate said simply.

“Go ‘head, he’s in his office.”

Kate found Harvey sitting at his desk, bent over some paperwork. He looked up at her and smiled when she entered, closing the door behind her.

“What can I do for you?” he asked.

Kate hesitated. “I just… need a pregnancy test.”

“Oh. Of course.”

Kate waited patiently in the cool room as Harvey came back with the results.

“I think you already know,” he said simply.

Kate nodded. “Yeah.”

“Shane will be thrilled.”

Kate felt her stomach twist. Something about it all didn’t feel right. It was all backwards. She couldn’t have a child with Shane. What would Evelyn and George think? She thought she was going to throw up again. She should have been more careful.

Dr. Harvey’s hand was on her shoulder. His eyes were soft and his smile reassuring. “You should know,” he stared slowly, “because of your miscarriage, this could be a risky pregnancy. We need to take extra precautions to make sure everything goes well and you and the baby are safe and healthy.”

“What if something goes wrong?”

Harvey hesitated. “If it’s early enough, we can terminate. It would be the best option for both of you.”

Kate bit her lower lip and nodded.

“You’re not alone in this,” he said. “I will do whatever I can to help you through this, no matter what happens.”

“You mean, in case I lose another child?”

Harvey pinched his lips together. “One step at a time, hm?”

Kate sighed and stood. “I’ve got this. I’m good.”

“I want to do an ultra sound in a couple weeks,” Harvey said, moving to his office computer. “And we’ll do many more as things progress to make sure everything is on the right track.” He met her gaze, his expression hard. “If you don’t show up, I will hunt you down.”

Kate nodded slowly.

“In fact, I’m going to ask you to stop working as soon as possible.”

Kate groaned and Harvey narrowed his eyes at her.

“There’s no exception, Kate. If you want to both survive this, you need to go easy on your body.”

“Okay,” Kate said simply. She cleared her throat. “I’ll see you then. I promise.”

 

*****

Shane was still in the barn when Kate returned home. She hurried inside the house to shower and change. When she got out of the bathroom, Shane was back inside, helping Jak color on the table. He looked up as she entered and smiled.

“All done?” Kate said as she threw her hair into a messy, wet pony tail.

“For today.”

Kate fell into the chair next to him and sighed.

“Rough day?”

Kate rolled her eyes. She leaned across the table. “What are we drawing?”

Jak pointed to his picture. “I drew me and Moose and this is Shane and that’s you.”

Kate scrunched her nose. “What’s that next to me?”

Jak met her gaze. “That’s my little brother.”

Kate hesitated. “You don’t have a brother, Jak.”

Jak returned to his coloring. “Yes I do. Clara said I could have him.”

“What?”

“Clara knows I miss her, so she said I could have a little brother.”

Kate cleared her throat. She met Shane’s careful gaze before leaning back in her chair.

“Oh. Well, how nice of her.” Kate stared at the stick figure baby in his drawing, feeling Shane’s eyes on her. She hurried into the bathroom where she threw up some more.

“My child sees dead people,” Kate muttered into the toilet, feeling Shane’s presence.

“I feel like we’re in the Twilight Zone,” he said. He hesitated. “Do you think he’s gonna be possessed by some demon? And we’ll have to get some crazy person to exterminate the ghosts in here?”

Kate pushed herself away from the toilet. “An exorcist?” She rolled her eyes.

Shane knelt on the floor beside her and let his fingers stroke her cheek. “Are you okay?”

Kate nodded quickly. “Yeah. I’m fine. Creeped out. But I’m fine.”

Shane watched her carefully before helping her to her feet. “Must be some imaginary friend.”

“Must be.”


	83. 46 b

It had been almost a week since Kate visited Harvey. She knew she was due for an ultrasound, but she still hadn’t told Shane, nor did she know how to bring up such a delicate subject. She still couldn’t make heads or tails of the situation and her wandering mind kept her up every night. She was sure Shane would be happy, but it made everything feel too real, too rushed, and she panicked.

She had been able to play the sick card the last few days, thanks to the continued morning sickness, but she knew she was running out of time. She could sense Shane was suspicious and worried. He took care of everything on the farm for her, but Kate knew that he needed to know before the ultrasound.

Kate stared at the tv screen, curled up on the couch. The clouds had rolled in, covering the afternoon in darkness. It was pouring when Shane hurried into the house.

“I did it,” he panted. “All before the rain.”

Kate smiled as she pushed herself off the couch.

“Beer?” Shane asked as he made his way to the fridge.

Kate shook her head.

Shane paused. “You okay?” he asked carefully.

Kate nodded. “Yeah. Why?”

“You’ve been quite over the last few days.”

Kate shrugged. “Oh.”

Shane pulled her chin to him and kissed her. He let his hand rest against her cheek. Kate took his hands in hers.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” she said quietly.

Shane searched her eyes. “What?”

Kate moved his hands over her stomach and hesitated.

Shane followed her gaze to her stomach, then met her gaze. “Kate…”

Kate shrugged and forced a hesitant smile. “You’re going to have to drink for me for the next nine months.”

“What?”

“I’m pregnant, Shane. You’re going to be a father.”

Shane took a step back, bumping into the counter. “You’re pregnant?”

Kate hesitated. “Yes.”

Shane ran his hands through his hair as he stared at her stomach. “Oh.” His eyes met hers and he smiled. “Wow.”

“Yup.”

“Well,” he said with a sigh. “Good. That’s good.”

“Yeah,” she said softly. “Good. I’m glad.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Kate shook her head and laughed. “This is weird, right?”

“Oh, good, it’s not just me.”

“It all just feels backwards.”

“Yeah. Something like that.” Shane paused and smiled. “We’re having a damn kid.”

Kate hesitated. “There’s something else.” Kate watched his smile fade. 

“What?”

“I talked to Dr. Harvey. He said that because of my miscarriage, this could be… risky.”

Shane looked as if he had seen a ghost. “What does that mean?” he asked quietly.

“It means things could go very wrong, very fast, if we’re not careful.”

“So, we’ll be careful.”

“Dr. Harvey won’t let me skip out on any visits,” she said. “I’m surprised he didn’t decide to move his office here so he can watch me every second of the day.”

Shane forced a smile. “Don’t give him any ideas.” He wrapped his arms around Kate, pulling her to him. “We’ve got this,” he said.

Kate nodded. “I know.” She kissed him.

“More work for me,” he said with a groan.

“Well, maybe next time you’ll think twice before you rip off my clothes.”

Shane shrugged. “I got caught up in the heat of the moment. And now we’ll have a little reminder.”

“It’s going to poop and cry,” Kate moaned. “I thought I was done with all that.”

“Good thing you’ve got me around, huh?”

“You mean you’re not going to crawl out the window in the middle of the night?”

“I have a feeling you’d manage to find me no matter where I run off to.”

“You’re right,” Kate said. “I’m crazy like that. And I have the demon child to prove it.”

“I like this,” Shane said casually, pointing between the two of them. “This is good. You’re a little crazy, I’m a little crazy. That’s enough to deal with this circus we’ve got going on.”

Kate put her hands on her hips. “That must be what I saw in you. You just have such a way with words. A wonderful way with awkward situations.”

“I’m full of awkward. I make the best of it. Just look at the circus I got going on down there.” He pointed with his chin out the window. “A god daughter with no parents, a freezer full of pizza, and an aunt that I think is ready to kill me.”

“You just can’t get away from it.”

Shane shrugged. “Something tells me it will be worth it.”


	84. 47 b

Kate and Shane found themselves in Harvey’s office the next week. Shane watched with an eyebrow raised curiously as Harvey squirted a gel onto Kate’s still flat stomach.

“You’re gonna get so fat,” Shane mumbled.

Kate sighed. “Thanks, I wasn’t aware of that.”

Harvey spread the gel around as the computer screen came to life. He smiled as he searched for the sign of life in her womb. “Better be nice,” Harvey warned Shane. “Afterall, she is carrying your child.”

“I guess I should start a tab at Pierre’s,” Shane commented. “Flowers and chocolates on hold every week.”

The three of them watched the computer as Harvey made a noise of approval.

“See that?” he said, pointing to the screen. “That’s your baby.”

Shane squinted at the strange image on the screen. “It doesn’t look like a baby.”

Harvey smiled. “Well, it’s the start of a baby. It’s not fully formed yet. It’s in the very early stages of development.” He leaned back, satisfied. “But so far, everything looks good.”

“When can we tell everyone?” Shane asked excitedly. Kate continued to stare at the fetus on the screen.

“It’s still very early, and a lot can still go wrong. We’re not out of the danger zone, yet. I want you to come back in a few weeks for some more tests,” Harvey said to Kate. “As long as everything stays on course, you’ll be out of the of the danger zone soon enough.”

Kate nodded, not taking her eyes off of her unborn child.

“Lot’s of rest, now,” Harvey said as he turned off the screen and cleaned off her stomach. “Stay off your feet. Shane’s more than capable of taking care of things over there.”

Kate rolled her eyes and swung her feet over the bed, adjusting her t-shirt over her stomach. “Fine,” she said with a sigh.

“Stop being difficult,” Shane said to her. “I’ve got this. I’ve had this since day one. I know what to do.”

Kate hesitated. “Are we done here?”

Harvey nodded and Shane walked her out of the office. They walked in silence back to the farm. Shane watched her carefully as they walked, but Kate’s mind seemed to be elsewhere. He let his swinging hand take hers and smiled to her when she met his gaze.

“What are you thinking?”

Kate turned her gaze back to the ground. She kicked a pebble out in front of her and kicked it again when they neared it.

“Nothing.”

Shane pulled her back until she faced him on the road. He pulled her closer to him. “Something.”

Kate avoided his gaze. “Just a lot on my mind.”

Shane frowned. “Did I do something?”

Kate shook her head for a moment, then shrugged. “You mean besides knocking me up?” She forced a smile, but Shane did not return the gesture.

“What are you afraid of?”

“Everything. Aren’t you?”

“Well, I wasn’t until just now.”

Kate pulled her hand out of his and turned away from him. “My last pregnancy didn’t exactly go well,” she muttered.

“We’re taking every precaution,” Shane reminded her.

Kate turned back and met his gaze. “My first child is fatherless. He’ll never know Alex. Alex never knew about Clara. I’m sorry if I’m not exactly thrilled about going through this all again.”

“It’s going to be different this time,” Shane said softly.

Kate hesitated. “I can’t do anything. For nine months, I’m going to be stuck doing absolutely nothing. I can’t drink. I can’t work. I can’t ride. Nothing.”

“Why can’t you just enjoy it?”

“I enjoy working. It keeps me busy. It was all I had to keep me sane when Alex was gone.”

Shane was quiet. “It’s not like that anymore.”

Kate bit her lip. “I didn’t mean anything by that…” She hesitated. “I just know I’m going to be worrying about this damn kid the whole time and I’ll have nothing to do to distract me. There’s just so much to do on the farm.”

Shane shifted on his feet. “You know I can take care of it all.”

Kate nodded. “Yeah. You’ve basically been doing it since Alex left.”

Shane didn’t say anything.

Kate ran her hands through her hair. “I’m sorry,” she said with a sigh. “I’m not making this any easier.”

Shane took her hands in his. “Don’t worry about anything, okay? Things are different now. I’m not going anywhere. You have me to help on the farm, to help with Jak, to help with our baby.” He smiled. “I’m not leaving you.”

Kate blinked through watery eyes. “I know,” she muttered. “I just don’t want to deal with these hormones,” she sobbed into his chest.

Shane smiled and wrapped his arms around her. “Trust me, I don’t want to, either.”

Kate pushed herself away and slid her arm across her wet face. She sighed and sucked in a breath. She patted her stomach.

“You better be cute,” she muttered as she walked the rest of the way home.

“It’s my kid,” Shane said catching up to her. “Of course it will be cute.”


	85. 48 b

The weeks passed slowly for Kate. While Shane busied his mornings on the farm, Kate found herself looking for any excuse to get out of the house. She walked Jak to his class with Penny and often times stayed with them for the day, helping Penny with her lessons.

Other days, Leah tried to teach her to sculpt and draw to keep her mind occupied, which often ended with them in a fit of laughter at Kate’s terrible stick figure drawings.

Kate continued to visit with Evelyn and George, often bringing Jak to visit as well, especially on the days when she was craving Evelyn’s cookies.

But soon enough, Kate found herself in Harvey’s office once more, with Shane at her side like a loyal dog. He grew more and more eager with each passing day, now more than ever that Kate was beginning to show as their baby grew inside of her.

The computer screen buzzed to life, showing the ultrasound as Harvey moved the device across Kate’s stomach like he had done weeks ago.

“There it is,” he said happily. “That’s a baby.” He turned to Shane and Kate. “Want to know the gender?”

Shane was beaming, but his smile faded quickly.

“No,” Kate said abruptly. She hesitated when they turned to her. “I want it to be a surprise,” she said quietly.

Shane smiled. “Yeah. A surprise.”

“Well,” Harvey said, cleaning the gel off of Kate. “You can share the good news. But I still want you to come back for some check ups so I can continue to monitor the progress.”

Kate nodded absentmindedly as Shane helped her out of the bed.

“We’re not officially out of the woods,” Harvey reminded them as he jotted some things down on a clipboard. “But the first trimester has the highest risk, and you’re passed that now. Things are looking god.” Harvey hesitated and met Kate’s gaze. “But that also means that your health is as crucial as ever, because if somethings goes wrong from here on out, it’s going to be much worse for you and your child.”

“Don’t worry,” Shane said. “She’s not going to be doing any work.”

“He doesn’t even let me go out to get the mail,” Kate muttered, rolling her eyes, and Shane smiled.

“Good,” Harvey said. “Then I’ll see you both in a few weeks. You’ll be almost to your due date then.”

Shane escorted Kate out of the office. It was still early in the morning, and Shane was eager to finish everything on the farm.

“What’s the plan?” Shane said. He let his lips brush against her cheek and Kate blushed. She was still feeling uneasy about the pregnancy, but Shane’s enthusiasm was starting to rub off on her.

“I’m going to talk to Evelyn and George before they hear from someone else,” Kate said.

Shane pinched his lips together and nodded. “See you later, then.”

 

*****

Kate eagerly accepted the freshly baked cookies from Evelyn. They were still warm, melting in her mouth. Evelyn sat across from her with her tea and smiled. Kate got a sudden wave of de ja vu and lost her appetite. She stared at the plate of cookies, debating how to bring up the subject that she was having a child with another man, who was not their grandson. Their dead grandson.

Kate’s stomach churned. She could feel Evelyn’s eyes on her, studying her. She knew that there was something on Kate’s mind.

“Don’t forget to bring some home,” Evelyn said, indicating to the cookies. 

Kate nodded.

“You know,” she said, putting her cup down on the table. “George and I love when you and Jak come to visit.”

“Why wouldn’t we?”

“I just know it was hard for you, at first.” Her voice was soft, her mind on Alex. Jak looked a lot like his father.

“Hard on us all,” Kate sad quietly. “Especially right now.”

Evelyn cocked her head to the side, waiting.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

Evelyn nodded. “I know.”

Kate met her gaze. “You know?”

“I’d put money on it that you’re having a boy.”

Kate hesitated and averted her gaze. “I’m sorry,” she muttered out of lack of anything else to say.

“Why on earth would you be sorry?”

Kate shrugged. “I don’t know. None of this was planned. I never expected any of this to happen.” She could feel her throat tighten.

“Sometimes the best things aren’t planned,” Evelyn said, reaching over and taking Kate’s hands in hers.

Kate met her gaze. “I guess I just thought you would be upset.”

“Why would I be upset? You’re family. I just want what’s best for you. A healthy child. That’s all that matters.”

Kate nodded. “Yeah.”

“Shane would do anything for you,” she said. “He makes you happy.”

Kate shrugged absentmindedly.

“I see that he does. I’m grateful that you have him in your life. It’s okay to move on. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I will never think that of you.”

“Thank you,” Kate said to her as she swallowed through the painful lump in her throat. It was just what she needed to hear.


	86. 49 b

Kate found Shane outside the house, tossing a ball to Dusty. The dog bounded after the ball excitedly, throwing it in the air before bringing it back to Shane. He dropped the ball at his feet, then bounded to Kate when he saw her coming.

“How’d it go?” Shane asked.

“Good,” Kate said with a sigh. “She thinks it’s a boy.”

Shane smiled. He sat with Kate on the front steps as she looked out over the farm.

“Are you going to tell Marnie?”

Shane shrugged. “I guess I should.” He hesitated. “Just didn’t want to jinx anything.”

“Harvey gave us the okay.”

“Yeah. I know. And everyone will find out sooner or later.”

“More reason to tell her soon,” Kate reminded him.

Shane turned his gaze to his feet.

“You’re worried about Jas?”

Shane met her gaze. “I guess.”

“I don’t think you need to worry,” Kate said.

“Maybe.” Shane stood and sucked in a breath. “I was going to head over now.”

“You’re not telling them you’re going to die,” Kate said. “I thought you were excited?”

Shane smiled. “Yeah. I am. Just never thought I’d ever have to have this conversation with anyone. I don’t know how to do this.”

Kate took his hand and he pulled her to her feet. “I’ve had lots of practice by now,” Kate joked. “I’ll help ya.”

*****

Marnie and Lewis leaned against the fence, watching Jas and Vincent playing with the chickens. Jas ignored Shane and Kate, too busy chasing one of the chicks into a corner. Lewis nodded to them as they approached.

“You two look like you’re on a mission,” Lewis commented.

Shane hesitated, turning his gaze to Jas.

“Something like that,” Kate said. “Had something we wanted to tell you.”

“Oh my Yoba,” Marnie said. She slapped Lewis’s arm excitedly. “I TOLD you she wasn’t just getting fat!”

Kate covered her face, groaning.

Marnie turned to Shane and pulled him into her arms. “I thought you were going to be living with me forever!”

Shane pushed himself away, his cheeks red. “You’re kicking me out?”

“You’re not going to live with Kate and your kid?”

“What if that’s not what I was going to tell you?” Shane accused.

Marnie clapped her hands together excitedly. “You’re getting married!”

“No,” Shane muttered.

“Well,” Marnie said, crossing her arms. “You better start thinking about that, because I want that room back.”

Shane rubbed his temple.

“Now, now, Marnie,” Lewis said. “I think they have enough on their plate right now. One step at a time, hm?”

Marnie turned to Kate. “When are you due?”

“Sometime in the winter,” Kate said.

Marnie wrapped her arms tightly around Kate.

“Are you okay?” she asked her carefully.

Kate nodded. “I am.”

“Make sure Shane takes good care of you,” she said.

Kate smiled. “He does.”

Shane turned away from them and made his way to Jas.

“Can we talk?” Shane said to her. He pulled her off to the side and knelt down to her level.

“What’s wrong?” Jas said, worried.

Shane smiled and shook his head. “Nothing at all. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What?”

Shane hesitated. “Kate and I are going to have a baby.”

Jas beamed. “A baby?” She jumped up excitedly. “Can it please be a girl?”

“A girl? I don’t have control over that.”

Jas crossed her arms. “Make it a girl, Shane! I need someone on my side when Jak and Vincent are jerks. I’m outnumbered here!”

Shane laughed. “I don’t know if I want a girl,” he said.

“Why not?” Jas whined.

“Because you’re the only girl for me.” He shrugged. “And I wouldn’t want you to get jealous.”

Jas narrowed her eyes at him. “I need another girl around here.”

Shane raised his hands in defense. “I will try my hardest to make it a girl, just for you.”

Jas smiled. “Good.”


	87. 50b

Kate was well into her final trimester, showing more than she ever did before as winter came blustering in, and she was feeling every bit of it. She couldn’t quite keep up with Jak the way she used to post pregnancy, but Jak seemed to understand and was eager to meet his new sibling.

Though the crops were done for the winter, Shane kept a few things going in the greenhouse, busying him in the mornings when the heavy snow didn’t bust through an old bit of fencing.

Jak was with Penny for class that morning while Shane hurried to prepare things for the next, fast approaching storm when Kate felt a strange pain shoot through her. She tried to ignore the familiar pains in her body that became more and more frequent. Labor pains. Her water broke, and she knew she needed to get to Dr. Harvey, but it was too early. She wasn’t due for another few weeks. She bent over as the pain shot through her for a moment, waiting for it to pass. She straightened as Shane came in from his work outside.

“Are you okay?” he asked, eyeing Kate carefully who gripped the edge of a chair.

Kate forced a smile and straightened. “Yeah.”

Shane raised a brow. “Are you sure?”

“Don’t trust me?” she accused.

Shane crossed his arms. “I just know you have a habit of hiding things. And you’re way too pregnant to be hiding anything.”

As if on cue, another bolt of pain shot through her. Shane ran to her side as she doubled over. He pulled her into him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked frantically. “What’s happening?”

Kate leaned on him and panted as the pain subsided once more. “I’m in labor.”

“Labor?” Shane repeated, panicked. “But it’s too early.”

Kate shook her head. “This thing is coming now, Shane. My water already broke this morning.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

Kate shrugged as she straightened. “Old habits.”

“Let’s go,” Shane said, taking her hand. “And once you get that kid out, I’m going to be very angry with you.”

Kate rolled her eyes and let Shane guide her outside, throwing his jacket on her in the process. The storm clouds were moving in quickly, darkening the sky as the wind kicked up. They hurried into town and into Harvey’s office, Kate panting with every labored step.

Maru hurried around the desk as they entered, calling to Dr. Harvey as she sat Kate down.

“She’s in labor,” Shane said quickly.

“How far apart are the contractions?” Maru asked.

Kate shook her head. “I don’t know. I lost track. Few minutes, maybe.”

Harvey hurried to them. “What’s going on?”

Maru filled him in quickly.

“Get her ready,” Harvey instructed Maru. “Let me see what’s going on.”

Maru helped prep Kate, getting her comfortable in a room until Harvey returned.

“All right, Kate,” Harvey said, entering in his scrubs. He set up a quick ultra sound. The image of the baby flashed on the screen. “You get it the easy way this time,” Harvey said. “We’re doing a C-section.”

“A C-section?” Shane repeated. “Why? What does that mean?”

“That baby is getting out, whether we like it or not. It’s still early, and I don’t think it’s safe to make her push this kid out, so we’re going to take it out ourselves.”

Shane stared dumbly at Harvey. Maru pushed him out quickly.

“Everything will be okay,” she assured him as he paced the waiting room. “I’ll come get you as soon as I can.”

“Can’t I stay with her?”

Maru shook her head. “We have to cut her open to get the baby out. You’re better off out here while we work.”

Shane winced and watched as Maru hurried back to Harvey’s side. He shot a text to Marnie and Penny, then paced the waiting room frantically, looking to the clock every few seconds until Marnie and Lewis hurried in. Marnie wrapped her arms around him.

“Is she okay?” she asked.

Shane nodded. “I guess so. Harvey’s doing a C-section.”

Marnie sighed. “It will be over soon,” she assured him. “You have no need to worry.”

 

*****

Maru finally emerged, smiling widely. Shane stood quickly when she entered.

“Do you want to see your son?”

Shane felt his heart stop. “My son?”

Maru motioned with her head and Shane followed her into a bright room where his child squirmed in a small tube.

“He needs to stay here for a while,” Maru explained to him, “until he finishes developing. But so far, he’s a pretty healthy guy.”

Shane stared through the tube as tiny fingers grabbed at the air. “Are you sure?”

Maru put her hand on Shane’s arm. “I’m sure.”

Shane let his hand rest on the glass and smiled. “Well, hey there, little guy.”

The baby turned to Shane, his eyes still closed, and for a moment, he stopped squirming. His fingers continued to curl around the air, sleeping soundly.

“Do you want to see Kate?” Maru asked quietly.

“Yes.” Shane’s voice was barely a whisper, afraid he might wake the child or hurt him.

“She’s resting. Let me see if she’s awake.”

Maru returned quickly and Shane followed her into Kate’s room. He sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand. She smiled weakly up at him, exhausted.

“How is he?” Kate asked softly.

“He’s damn tiny,” Shane said.

Kate forced a smile. “I haven’t seen him yet. Harvey said we can’t go home for a while.”

Shane shrugged. “No big deal. Jak can spend a few days with Marnie and Jas. I’ll be here with you as long as we need to be here.” He bent down and kissed Kate’s forehead.

Kate tightened her grip around Shane’s and met his gaze fiercely. “You should know… I am never doing this again. I’m done with this pregnancy shit.”

Shane smiled. “Agreed.”


	88. 51b

After a couple of days under Harvey’s watchful eye, Kate was permitted to return home, but baby Cole was still developing in his little tube under Maru’s careful care. After a few more weeks, the healthy baby was ready to go home with his parents. Kate and Shane were eager to pick him up, cradling him close to them as they made their way back home. Shane held Kate in his arms on the couch as she cooed to Cole, unwilling to part with the life in her arms. But soon, he fell asleep, and Kate put him in his crib while Shane took Jak outside to play in the freshly fallen snow. Kate brushed the baby’s cheek until he quieted and eventually fell asleep.

After a few minutes, Kate pulled herself away from the child, convincing herself that he was safe. She returned to the kitchen with a sigh and decided to prepare dinner for when the boys returned. She watched out the window as Shane showed Jak how to kick a soccer ball. She smiled and turned to the table, where a packet of papers on the table caught her attention. She scanned the pages as Shane and Jak came back in from their play. Kate looked up and met Shane’s gaze, and his smile disappeared.

“Go clean up,” he said to Jak, pushing him towards the bathroom.

“What’s this?” Kate asked him, indicating to the papers still in her hand.

“That,” Shane began, “are forms for adoption.”

“Adoption?”

Shane hesitated. “I had looked into it a while ago. To… adopt Jas, officially. Those came in a couple weeks ago.”

“Shane… that’s wonderful.”

Shane shrugged and sat at the table. “Maybe.” He shuffled through the pages.

“Maybe?”

“They just want so much information,” he said. “And I… I’m afraid they won’t accept it.”

“Why not? You’re practically her father already.”

Shane sighed. “I look like a drunken failure,” he said. “I don’t work. I live with my aunt. Single. No family.” He hesitated, letting the papers drop onto the table.

“Well,” Kate started slowly. “That’s not entirely true. You have me. And Cole and Jak.”

“But that’s not how they’ll see it. We’re not married.”

“No,” she said slowly. “We’re not.”

“Nope.”

Kate hesitated. “I mean, should we be?”

Shane met her gaze, his brows knit together. “Should we?”

Kate sat across from him and stared at the papers. “This is all backwards,” she muttered.

Shane leaned back in the chair and smiled. “Yeah. Just a bit.”

“I don’t think we thought this through very well.”

“Maybe not.” Shane hesitated. “You and Alex did it right. I don’t even know what this is.”

Jak sat himself at the table with his crayons and paper, ignoring the adults beside him.

Kate smiled. “Guess we’re just a weird, broken family.”

“I wouldn’t say broken.”

Kate met his gaze. “You don’t even live here. How do we do this? Do you get Cole on weekends?”

“Weekends? I don’t know… every other day?”

They were quiet as they each thought about their custody of Cole.

“How did this get so complicated?” Kate muttered.

“We’re over thinking it,” Shane stated.

Kate met his gaze. “We are?”

“I can just… move in here.”

Kate raised a brow. “You can?”

“I mean, if you want.”

A smile started, but disappeared quickly. “What about Marnie and Jas?”

Shane hesitated. “They don’t need me.”

“Jas should move in, too,” Kate said quickly.

“She should?”

“If she wants. I mean, if you’re going to adopt her and live here, it only makes sense.”

Shane nodded slowly. “Yeah. Okay. I can talk to her.”

“Okay,” Kate said softly. “Then it’s settled. You’re moving in.”

“I’m moving in.” Shane smiled.

“Well, that was exciting,” Kate said, getting to her feet and moving to the kitchen.

“Isn’t it always?”

Kate turned to him, hesitant. “Don’t do this if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to,” Shane assured her. He smiled. “Just like to give you a hard time.”

 

*****

Shane made his way to Marnie’s that night, telling her the news. She snorted.

“It’s about time you get out of my house,” she said, nudging him in the side with her elbow.

Shane rolled his eyes. “Well, thanks for the room, anyway.”

Marnie kissed his cheek. “I’m happy for you, Shane. Just don’t fuck this up.”

“Gonna try real hard not to.”

Shane found Jas outside, throwing rocks into the lake. He sat on the dock and leaned back against his arms. Jas continued to skip rocks, ignoring his presence.

“So,” Shane started. “I was thinking of moving in with Kate on the farm.”

Jas stopped throwing rocks and turned to him. She smiled. “Are you going to get married?”

Shane hesitated. “I don’t know,” he said. “We haven’t gotten that far.” He paused. “Do you want to come, too?”

“Live with you and Kate?”

“Yeah.”

Jas’s smile grew. “It will be like Jak and Cole are my brothers.” Her smile disappeared. “A sister would have been better.”

Shane smiled. “I tried my hardest.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I love them, anyway.”

“Cole will need someone to teach him to read.”

“I’m good at that!”

“So, you’re in?”

Jas nodded excitedly. “As long as I get my own room.”

“You’ll have two,” Shane said. “One with me, and one here with Aunt Marnie.”

“Even better!”


	89. 52b

Shane and Jas were officially moved in and things quickly fell into an easy routine. With three kids in the house, Shane and Kate had their hands full, and spring was already at their doorstep. Penny found her arms occupied with another baby as she brought Jak, Jas, and Vincent to their classes while Shane and Kate worked the mornings on the farm.

Shane found himself with the kids one afternoon after their work on the farm was finished for the day, giving Kate a free afternoon to herself. He held Cole in his arms as he shouted after Jak and Jas, who were off chasing the old soccer ball through the crops.

“Inside,” he ordered them as they hurried to his side, their hands and faces dirtied from their play. Jak continued to kick and chase the soccer ball toward the house, looking at Shane over his shoulder.

“I’m gonna be better than you!” Jak yelled to Shane as the ball bounced against the stairs, knocking him to the ground.

“Not if you let the ball knock you down,” Shane said as he caught the ball with his foot and began to dribble. He kicked the ball carefully back towards Jak, switching Cole in his arms.

Jak grabbed the ball with both hands and ran into the house.

“That’s cheating!” Jas called after him.

Shane followed them inside, pushing them into the bathroom and putting Cole down for his nap. He peered into the bathroom, suspicious of how quiet it had gotten.

“Hold still,” Jas said to Jak as she scrubbed his face and arms with a washcloth.

“I don’t wanna be clean,” Jak whined.

“You gotta,” Jas said. “Girls don’t like smelly boys.”

“Girls are smelly.”

Jas looked appalled with him. She stamped her foot. “You’re smelly.”

Jak grinned as Jas scrubbed harder. She narrowed her eyes in concentration until Jak pulled his arm away. Jas sighed dramatically and let the cloth fall to the floor. She turned to Shane, her hands on her hips.

“I’m never going to have kids,” she said matter-of-factly.

Shane smiled. “I used to say the same thing.” He winked at her.

“Please don’t have any more,” Jas said, and the, as a side thought, “unless it’s a girl.”

“I can barely keep up with the three of you,” he muttered.

“That’s why you got me!” Jas said proudly. “Look, I got him all clean.”

“Good,” Shane said with a nod of approval. “Then why don’t you two come out here? I’ve got something to show you.”

Jak and Jas followed him into the living room where Shane pulled something out of a drawer. He handed it to Jas carefully, and she turned it over in her hands. Jak stood on his tip toes and Jas showed him the pendant. He blinked at it, then turned his gaze to Jas.

“It’s the mermaid’s pendant,” Jas said to him. “Someday, you will give this to someone you love.”

Jak scrunched his nose. “Why?”

“Because it’s tradition,” Jas said with a huff. “That’s what you gotta do.”

“Can I give it to Mommy?”

Jas smiled. “Shane’s going to give it to her.”

Jak turned to Shane and studied him for a moment. “Okay,” he said simply.

“Do you think she’ll like it?” Shane asked.

Jas turned the pendant over in her hands carefully and smiled. “I think it’s perfect.”

Jak shrugged, unamused with the item.

“Well, let’s just hope she says yes, then.”

“She will,” Jas confirmed. “She loves you.”

“I sure hope so,” Shane said with a smile. He hesitated. “Do you want to do this?”

Jas knit her brows together. “It’s not up to me.”

“You get a say, Jas. We’re in this together. It’s me and you.”

Jas shook her head. “It’s not you and me anymore,” she said. “It’s all of us. You and me and Jak and Cole and Kate. This is our family. I love our family.”

“I love our family, too.” Shane pulled Jas and Jak into his arms as Kate came in the door, Dusty trailing behind her. The dog bounded to Jak and licked his face.

“What are you guys up to?” she asked as Shane stood with Jas and Jak. She narrowed her eyes. “This seems awfully suspicious.”

“Can I give it to her?” Jas asked Shane excitedly.

Shane nodded.

“Give me what?” Kate asked.

Jas pulled Jak towards Kate, displaying the pendant in their little hands. Kate stared at it in shock before meeting Shane’s gaze.

“What? For real?”

Shane shrugged. “I figured we might as well do this right.”

Kate shook her head, smiling through wet eyes. She took the pendant from them and let her fingers run over it’s markings.

“Yeah,” she said softly. “I mean, we might as well.”

“That has got to be the worst proposal in the history of ever.”

Kate laughed and threw her arms around Shane, kissing him.

“So, is that a yes?”

Kate met his gaze, her arms still around his neck. “Only if you mean it.”

“More than anything.”

“Yes, Shane, I will marry you.”


	90. 53b

Kate and Shane were married late that spring. It was a small, quiet ceremony. Neither of them wanted to make a big deal out of it, but Marnie insisted if they were going to get married, they were going to do it right. And according to Marnie, that meant flowers, (and of course Jas as flower girl) white satin ribbons, handfuls of rice, appropriate music, (they managed to talk her out of asking Gus to play) and a beautiful vail. 

In the end, they got a little more than they had planned, but managed to convince Marnie out of the bigger items. Kate agreed to the veil to go with her simple, white dress, and a beautiful bouquet arranged my Pierre, wrapped and tied in a white satin bow. Marnie didn’t dare push it further for fear that Shane might stare daggers right into her chest.

“You’re a lucky man, Shane,” Marnie said to him. “If it were any other woman, you’d be getting the whole princess experience. That’s what women want, you know.”

“Kate doesn’t want all that fuss,” Shane reminded her. “You’re lucky you even get an invite.”

“Invite or not, you know I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss the moment Shane settles down with a family. I need proof, you know. No one would believe it.”

After the ceremony, they found themselves honeymooning at the saloon, treated to free beer from Gus.

“You know,” Gus said to them as he slid them their beers. Both Kate and Shane were back in their casual attire after hurrying into the house and stripping as soon as Marnie left them alone. They managed to celebrate in their own way in the few moments of alone time that they had before Marnie had returned. “I play a lovely rendition of your typical wedding theme.”

“I’ve heard,” Kate reminded him. “This ain’t my first wedding.”

Gus turned away uncomfortably, clearing his throat and muttering to himself as he hurried to get Pam another drink. Kate smiled into her glass.

“To lasts?” Shane suggested.

Kate lifted her glass to his. “To lasts.”

*****

The excitement of their new marriage simmered quicker than they would have liked as they were busier more than ever with the farm and the kids. Jas proved to be a big help keeping an eye on Jak and feeding and changing Cole. At the end of each day, they found just enough energy to celebrate a little more - the only honeymoon they’d get.

Jas was reading to Jak and Cole one night while Kate and Shane cleaned up from dinner. Shane slunk into a chair with a beer in his hand, anxious for a long night of sleep. Kate dropped a business card onto the table in front of him. Shane studied it carefully, then met her gaze.

“What’s this?”

“Our lawyer,” she said simply.

“Sick of me already?”

Kate smirked and shrugged.

“What do we need a lawyer for?” he asked.

“For the adoption.”

Shane hesitated. “I don’t have money for a lawyer.”

Kate shrugged. “Well, I do. And we’re married now. What’s mine is yours.”

Shane shook his head. “No. I don’t want you to do that.”

Kate sat at the table beside him. “I want Jas to be a part of our family.” She paused. “Unless you don’t want that…”

“Of course I want that.”

“But, do you really? Because, I was thinking… why stop with Jas? We’ll adopt her together. And you can officially adopt Jak. We’ll do it all. No loose ends.”

“All of it, huh?”

“Well, we’re a family, aren’t we?”

Shane smiled. “Something like that.”

 

*****

Kate and Shane found themselves at the lawyer’s office the next day.

“So, what’s the current parental situation, then?” The lawyer asked. “We’re working with two kids, correct?”

“Jak is my son, and Jas is Shane’s goddaughter.”

“Jak’s father will need to give up his rights, along with Jas’s parents.”

“They’re both dead,” Shane said frankly.

The lawyer paused, caught off guard. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Both of Jas’s parents? What about Jak’s father?”

Kate cleared her throat. “He’s dead, too.”

He flipped through some pages, spreading them out before Kate and Shane, clearing his throat in the process. “My condolences,” he said quietly as he took out a pen.

“Pretty standard procedure, then,” he said to them, indicating where they needed to sign with his pen. “Since no one needs to give up their parental rights, this should go smoothly.” He met Kate’s gaze and smiled.

Kate and Shane flipped through the pages, signing on each indicated line. When they finished, the lawyer gathered the pages up and put them into a folder.

“This doesn’t mean anything, yet,” he said to them. “But, as long as background and home checks go well, I see no reason why this won’t go through. I’ll be in touch.”

Kate and Shane shook his hand and left the lawyer’s office, each lost in their own thoughts as they made their way out of the city towards home.

“Smooth process,” Shane muttered under his breath.

Kate put her hand over his as he drove. “Everything will work out,” she said softly. Shane met her gaze briefly and smiled.

“Yeah,” he said and smiled. “It will.”


	91. 54b

It had been weeks before they heard from the lawyer again, who called to inform them that everything checked out in their favor. All that was left was the papers signed by the court, which they were expected to receive in a few more weeks.

Fall made an appearance once more and Kate and Shane found themselves preparing for another winter. Jas and Jak helped collect the eggs from the coop as Kate bounced Cole in her arms, cooing to him playfully. When they were finished in the coop, they hurried towards the house, where Shane flipped through the mail on the front steps. He unfolded the contents of one of the letters, his eyes scanning it quickly.

“What’s that, Shane?” Jak asked, reaching for the paper curiously.

Shane turned to his family, his eyes wet. “This,” he said with a smile, “is the moment I’ve waited my whole life for.” He knelt down and gave Jak and Jas individual papers. Certificates.

“What is it?” Kate asked carefully.

“Adoption certificates.” Shane met her gaze and smiled.

Kate’s heart leapt in her chest. “Seriously?”

“So, you’re my dad now?” Jas asked, meeting Shane’s gaze. “And Kate’s my mom?”

“I know,” Shane started with a shrug. “Not the best options in the world.”

Jas grinned and threw her arms around Shane’s neck.

“Momma, read!” Jak said to Kate, giving her the paper.

“This means,” Kate choked out. “That Shane is your daddy now.”

“Oh,” he said, unimpressed. “Can I ride Moose now?”

“I guess Jak couldn’t care less,” Kate laughed.

Shane smiled. “He’s got his priorities straight.”

“You’re my brother, now,” Jas said to Jak, her hands on her hips. “And since I’m older, you have to listen to what I say.”

Jak turned to Jas, his eyes hopeful. “Can I ride Moose now?”

“Okay!”

“That’s not how it works, Jas!” Shane yelled to them as they hurried across the farm to the barn.

“Welcome to fatherhood,” Kate muttered through her grin.

Shane pulled her into his arms. “I guess we did it right after all.”

“In another universe, maybe.”

Shane kissed her. “Nothing beats this one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *~* The End *~*
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope you all enjoyed the adventure. Thanks for following and supporting! Feel free to read my current WIP, Under Shadow :)


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